When a couple walks down the aisle after pledging their love, they are only imagining a future together. They may know that every marriage has rough patches, but the thought of someday walking out of divorce court is not in the picture. But many people’s dreams turn to nightmares, and many marriages end in divorce.
“And I’ll sign on
The line beneath my name
The road is gone
I can’t go back the way we came.”
—The Avett Brothers, “Divorce Separation Blues”
Divorce marks the end of the road for a marriage, but it also marks the beginning of new realities—some good and some difficult. If you are in the middle of a divorce or have been through one, you understand. There are the legal proceedings, the custody battles, the financial decisions, and the housing situation. On top of it all, many people experience loneliness, anger, confusion, guilt, anxiety, fear, and depression as their marriages come to an end.
New beginnings can grow from these difficulties, but often people need an intentional time of healing and recovery. When people process the pain of a divorce, they are often in a better position to rebuild a happy, fulfilling life, and no one has to recover from a divorce by themselves. Many people turn to therapists for guidance and support.
The divorce counselors at Thriveworks Baltimore work with many clients who are recovering from a divorce. We love helping them navigate new challenges and rediscover a happy life.
Difficult Marriages and Relationship Issues
An infinite number of situations and circumstances can end a marriage, but these are almost always undergirded by four toxic attitudes that fuel separation and distance among a couple. Psychologist John Gottman’s famous study on marriage and divorce pinpointed these “four horsemen” that may predict whether a couple will divorce. When a couple divorces, one or more of the following is almost always a part of their marriage…
- Criticism: Negative, dissenting, pessimistic interactions exact a cost. When they outweigh kind and loving interactions, then that cost may be the marriage.
- Defensiveness: Responding with superiority, not listening, and general defensiveness kills connection and may kill the marriage relationship.
- Stonewalling: When problems are avoided, denied, and/or minimized, then they grow. Issues that could be resolved may grow to overwhelm a couple if they are stonewalled.
- Contempt: This may be the most toxic behavior—disrespect. How can connection and love grow when one partner is disrespectful toward the other?
Most likely, one or more of these toxic behaviors was present in your marriage, and people who have experienced these may need an intentional time of healing.
Divorce Recovery and Healing
The path from ending a marriage toward rebuilding a new life is unique for every person, and many circumstances determine the route that path may take. For example,
- If one saw the divorce coming.
- How many years the couple had been married.
- The particular circumstances that led to the decision to divorce.
- The financial situation within the marriage.
- One’s mental/physical health, age, and/or personality.
- Whether children are involved, how many, and their ages.
- If new relationships have been established.
Each person has unique needs, and a skilled counselor can tailor a treatment plan, but those unique treatment plans will almost always involve grieving and processing.
1) Counseling for Grief:
After a divorce, the marriage ends and needs to be grieved, but that loss may be the tip of the iceberg. If a couple has children, their relationship with their children will change as they transition to a joint-custody or single-parenting situation. Often, people must leave their home and establish a new one after a divorce, and in the process, their standard of living may decrease. Relationships with extended family, in-laws, and friends may shift as well.
These losses need to be grieved, and many varying emotions may arise during the grief cycle. People may bounce between sadness, shock, guilt, denial, bargaining, fear, and anger. The key is allowing these feelings to emerge and to be curious about them. Many people find a counselor’s guidance invaluable in processing their grief.
2) Processing the Past:
As grief rises and is processed, difficult memories and experiences may arise as well. Just as it is important to allow feelings to emerge, it is important to let the past emerge. Looking back is difficult and may be the most painful part of divorce recovery, but doing so gives people the opportunity to learn and grow. When people are honest about what went wrong in their past, they can adjust and break old patterns.
Schedule a Divorce Counseling Session at Thriveworks Baltimore
Are you ready to grieve the losses that came with your divorce? Are you ready to process the past and build a better future? Thriveworks Baltimore is ready to help.
Going through a divorce is difficult; we have done our best to make scheduling therapy easy. Our office accepts many forms of insurance. We hold evening and weekend sessions, and many new clients meet with their therapist within 24 hours of their call.
Are you ready to move forward after a divorce? Call Thriveworks Baltimore today.
