Chapel Hill Marriage Counseling

Marriage Counseling in Chapel Hill, NC—Therapy

Roseanne and Dan. Jim and Pam. Homer and Marge. Lucy and Ricky. Cam and Mitch. Florida and James. Archie and Edith. These iconic TV couples portray many of the hopes and dreams couples have when they make their vows. These couples were not perfect. No, their marriages were like everyone else’s: flawed. They had good times and bad, but they always found their love and their connection. A marriage like that sounds amazing, but in real life, marital conflict does just resolve during a 30-minute sitcom. There are not professional screenwriters to produce a storybook ending to disagreement, disconnection, or discord. But there is marriage counseling.

“All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest—never vicious or cruel.
Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership.”
—Ann Landers

Many people do not know how to battle well with their spouse. They may attack instead of presenting their needs in a healthy and constructive way. But many people are also learning the art of working through conflict by reaching out for help and working with a marriage therapist. Conflict and connection are skills that can be learned, and experienced marriage counselors can usually pinpoint the particular challenge a couple is facing and equip each spouse with the skills they need.

The marriage counselors at Thriveworks Counseling in Chapel Hill have worked with many spouses who have strife in their marriage. Our professionals work hard to create a neutral, safe space where each spouse can grow and learn so that the marriage can flourish.

Marriage Conflict and The Four Horsemen

Dr. John Gottman is perhaps the psychologist who has studied marriage more than any other. In his decades-long, famous study, he identified the four most toxic challenges that can threaten a marriage. He called them The Four Horsemen because without correcting these behaviors, spouses may be headed for a divorce. The first step to change is acknowledging if one or more of the horsemen are present within the marriage. The horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Here is what they look like…

  • Criticism — Every marriage will have times when one spouse needs to offer a critique or complaint to the other. When done respectfully, this can be a process that leads to greater intimacy. When done disrespectfully, spouses can wound each other severely. Criticism occurs when one spouse attacks the other. It looks like statements such as “You are so irresponsible. You always forget. You are insufferable.” Criticism shames a spouse and tears them down.
  • Defensiveness — When problems are answered with excuses, rationalizations, and evasion, defensiveness has become a way of relating. Strong individuals accept responsibility for their thoughts, feelings, choices, and actions. Defensiveness plays the blame game. It assigns responsibility to anyone or anything besides oneself. When one or both spouses do not take responsibility for themselves, then problems can never be solved and important changes cannot be enacted.
  • Stonewalling — Sometimes, spouses run away from conflict, thinking that ignoring the issue will help resolve it. However, sweeping dirt under the rug does not help. Stonewalling looks like minimizing problems, withdrawing from difficult conversations, and denying one’s own or one’s spouse’s needs.
  • Contempt — Dr. Gottman identifies contempt as the most dangerous horseman because it cultivates shame within the relationship. When spouses treat each other when contempt, they treat each other as less than. They may see what their spouse is not instead of who their spouse is. In everyday life, contempt is sarcasm, eye-rolling, putting-down, and mocking.

What is your marriage like? If you and your spouse are experiencing criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and/or contempt, it may be time to reach out for it. It may be time to go to marriage counseling.

How Might Marriage Therapy Help?

People often have a hard time seeing relational dynamics when they are in a relationship. They often need a third party to observe—someone who is skilled in recognizing how marriage can work and how they can go wrong—a marriage therapist. Once unhealthy dynamics are acknowledged, they can be replaced. For example, a marriage counselor may help spouses learn how to…

  • Use “I” Statements — In a healthy marriage, each spouse should feel the freedom to advocate for their own needs, feelings, and priorities. They can do so using “I” statements that avoid attacking their spouse. Spouses may say, “I like… I prefer… I need… I experienced… I need.”
  • Accept Personal Responsibility — Adults are responsible for their own feelings, attitudes, choices, and actions, and strong spouses own their own behaviors. Strong marriages are unions between two adults.
  • Prioritize Self-Care — When spouses know themselves well—their limitations, their triggers, and their needs—then they can often engage in conflict in a more productive way. Instead of stonewalling to avoid problems, they can take breaks as needed, but return to the issue as well.
  • Cultivate Appreciation — The antidote to shame is acceptance. When spouses see themselves for who they are instead of who they are not, they can build a marriage built upon appreciation.

Marriage Therapy Appointments at Thriveworks in Chapel Hill, NC

Every marriage has difficulties, and it is ok to ask for help. The marriage counselors at Thriveworks Counseling in Chapel Hill are ready to help. When you contact our office, know that we work with many insurance companies and may take your insurance. We also offer evening and weekend sessions, and new clients frequently have their first appointment within 24 hours of their first call. Contact our office today.

Thriveworks Counseling Chapel Hill

People Love Our Providers!

Overall Rating: 5★★★★★ based on 9 5 1 9 reviews. See all reviews
Thriveworks Counseling Chapel Hill

Ariel

★★★★★
Ariel is a compassionate, reliable, supportive counselor. The work she has done with foster children, birth families and foster families has been amazing to witness. She brings so much light and hope to the children and families she works with. She is truly a gift.
Thriveworks Counseling Chapel Hill

Professional review

★★★★★
Ariel Harris is an excellent therapist. I have worked with her in professional settings and she is kind with clients. She has worked with a variety of clientele from all areas of life, and is knowledgeable in many topics. She is supportive of her clients and genuinely cares about helping them reach their goals and be successful. I would highly recommend her to anyone looking to improve their life.
Thriveworks Counseling Chapel Hill

Counseling experience

★★★★★
She did an exceptional job as a counselor. She asked great questions and knew how to get to the root of the problems. Thanks!
Thriveworks Counseling Chapel Hill

Cindy Goulding

★★★★★
Cindy Goulding is a very accomplished and experienced therapist. For Cindy, being a mental health professional is a calling not simply a job. She cares deeply about the success of her clients and makes them feel comfortable with her grounded and non-judgmental approach. Cindy is highly compassionate as a person. This is not a skill for her; it's who she is at her core. Her relentless pursuit to understand the experience and perspective of others is unmatched. Most people want a competent therapist they can trust with their most vulnerable fears, stories and relationship struggles. Cindy Goulding is a top notch choice!
Thriveworks Counseling Chapel Hill

Topnotch Counseling

★★★★★
Cindy Goulding is a topnotch counselor. I have worked with her professionally and referred patients to her for both her personal training and her counseling skills. She has written a very nice book on how to manage weight family style.
Thriveworks Counseling Chapel Hill

Exceptional character

★★★★★
Cindy is a very caring, honest and responsible person. She is very understanding and compassionate. Her skills are exceptionally sharp, and she has high integrity. She is very thorough and always thinking of how to resolve difficult situations. She is open-minded, non-judgmental and an asset to anyone working with her.
Thriveworks Counseling Chapel Hill

Great Therapist

★★★★★
I am very pleased with my therapist. She provides insights to my emotions and behavior. she helps me explore new ways of thinking that helps me turn away from negativity. She helps me understand the origins of some of my behaviors. I look forward to continue working with her to help me attain a more fufilled and happy life.
Thriveworks Counseling Chapel Hill

A partner through a journey

★★★★★
It’s difficult to say how someone can impact your life. In a short time Donna has impacted my life and helped me see there is a journey. Although the journey is not clear to me, Donna listens with a compassionate heart and deep intent. She is truly engaged and seeks to help you understand as you tell your story. It is the telling of the story that is more important than the words, a wise person told me. Donna very much wants to hear your story. I’m lucky and grateful to have found her.
Thriveworks Counseling Chapel Hill

Thriveworks Counseling

★★★★★
Meeting with my counselor has been quite helpful to my understanding of a family member's mental health diagnosis. Her ability to clarify behaviors and share her knowledge has been epic, especially related to high-functioning autism, and to proposing different ways that I can work through challenges, all the while ensuring my own self-care.
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Thriveworks Counseling

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  • 1516 E Franklin St,
    Chapel Hill, NC 27517

  • Mon-Fri:7AM-12AM
    Saturday:7AM-6PM
    Sunday:8AM-5PM

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