Whether you’re a chronic people-pleaser or simply someone who has a hard time saying “no” to the people you love, setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you don’t have much practice setting them.

Woman sitting at a table texting someone with a serious look on her face

But learning how to set a boundary is a crucial life skill that can improve your relationships with family, friends, romantic partners, and even colleagues. Contrary to popular belief, a boundary isn’t about dictating another person’s actions. Instead, it’s a limit you set for yourself that helps shape how you’ll respond when someone violates that boundary—like not staying on the phone with someone who’s yelling at you, or only covering a coworker’s shift when you’re actually free and up for it.

We all need limits to help protect our time, energy, and peace. But setting and enforcing a boundary is often easier said than done. So we asked experienced clinicians for tried-and-true scripts you can use the next time you’re struggling to set a boundary. Here’s what they recommend for various scenarios.

1. When someone’s speaking to you in a way you won’t tolerate

Say this: “I understand you’re upset, but I won’t allow you to talk to me that way. Let’s reconnect when you’ve had a chance to cool off.”

Why it works: When you’re in a high-stress or high-conflict situation, it can feel especially hard to set a boundary. Sticking with simple, true, and focused statements like this hevvlps to not escalate matters when tensions are already running high, says Jami Dumler, a licensed clinical social worker and director of clinical programs at Thriveworks.

2. When your boss is asking you to do extra work at the end of the day

Say this: “I can’t stay late tonight, but I can look at it first thing tomorrow.”

Why it works: When a last-minute request comes in at the end of the workday, it can be tempting to automatically say yes, especially if you’re a people pleaser. But you’re allowed to clock out when the workday is over, and be clear about what you’re able to do without over-explaining or apologizing.

“This works well for people who are new to setting boundaries because it doesn’t require suddenly becoming a person who confidently says ‘no’ and feels nothing about it,” says Elizabeth Bodett Dresser, a licensed clinical professional counselor.

However, one important reminder: “The key is making sure the alternative is something you actually want and have the capacity to give, not a consolation prize you offer because saying no made you uncomfortable,” she says.

3. When you want to explain how something is affecting you and what you need moving forward

Say this: “When __________ happens, it makes me feel _________, and what I need is _____________.”

Why it works: One way to create a boundary script is by including your experience, your emotions, and your needs, says licensed psychologist Gary Dillon, Ph.D.

For example, you might say, “When you cancel our plans at the last minute, I feel frustrated and hurt. What I need is for you to let me know as soon as possible if something changes, or be transparent if your schedule is actually up in the air.”

“This script works because it is specific, doesn’t over-explain, and sets limits as opposed to asking for permission,” Dr. Dillon says.

4. When someone’s giving you unsolicited advice

Say this: “I appreciate you looking out for me, but I’m actually good on advice for this right now. I just really needed to vent, so thanks for listening. Why don’t we focus on ____ instead?”

Why it works: A common worry when setting boundaries is that you’ll come across as rude. But it’s possible to gently let someone know you’re not looking for feedback without abruptly ending the conversation.

“This doesn’t instantly put the other person on the defensive. It validates that they probably mean well, sets a clear boundary on what you need, and immediately gives you both an exit ramp by redirecting the topic,” says Alyssa Scolari, a licensed professional counselor. “It keeps the peace while completely shutting down the unsolicited commentary.”

5. When you don’t have the time or energy for in-person plans

Say this: “I can’t meet for lunch this week, but I can call you to chat on my way home from work.”

Why it works: Whether you don’t have time, emotional energy, or even the desire to meet up with someone for social plans, you can set a boundary and still make time to chat to show the person that you care about staying connected (if you genuinely want to stay connected, that is)

“You’re setting a clear boundary while offering an alternative that works for you. This can make the boundary feel less like rejection to the other person,” says Caitlyn Oscarson, a licensed marriage and family therapist.

6. When you need to buy yourself some time to respond

Say this: “Let me get back to you about that.”

Why it works: Not every question needs an immediate answer. Sometimes, a boundary can be as simple as asking for time to think about it. “That one is great for people who tend to say yes automatically. It creates a pause, which gives them a chance to actually decide what they want instead of responding out of guilt, pressure, or habit,” says Caitlin Opland, a licensed clinical social worker at Thriveworks.

Then, it’s up to you if you want to elaborate and say something like, “I’ll let you know tomorrow morning,” or if you’d prefer to leave it open-ended.

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7. When your workload is piling up too high

Say this: “I can take this on, but I would need to deprioritize something else. What is your preference?”

Why it works: When you’re already drowning in work, taking on one more task can mean something else inevitably gets pushed aside. Instead of automatically agreeing to everything your boss or colleague asks you to do, you can make those competing priorities clear.

This shows that you’re willing to help and you’re taking the request seriously, but you also have limits, says Geralyn Fortney, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks. Ultimately, you’re being transparent about your bandwidth and getting clarity on their priorities.

When you don’t want to be stuck on the phone for an hour

Say this: “Just to give you a heads up, I have about __ minutes to talk before I have to head to a meeting/pick up the kids/etc.”

Why it works: We all have that one person in our life that tends to stretch every phone call into a marathon conversation. Setting this limit upfront can make things a lot less awkward than trying to find an opening to end the conversation once you’ve already been talking for longer than you’d like.

“This is a great way to set expectations for the conversation rather than feel like you have to cut someone off mid-conversation,” says licensed clinical psychologist Amanda Etienne, Psy.D..

9. When you’re put on the spot and would rather respond thoughtfully

Say this: “Can you please text/email me the details so I can look over it and get back to you soon?”

Why it works: You don’t have to give someone an answer on the spot just because they asked you a question in person. If you know you’ll communicate more clearly over text or email (or simply need some more time to think), you can say so.

This boundary helps you regulate the initial emotional reaction that can often lead you to say yes even when you don’t want to, says Jen Siladi, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Plus, you’re able to respond in a format that might be easier and lower-stakes.

10. When you’re not available, but you’re happy to offer an alternative

Say this: “I can’t babysit this weekend, but I can babysit another night this month if you give me advanced notice.” Or this: “I don’t have the social battery to go to the party tonight, but I would love to get together one-on-one with you next week.”

Why it works: An answer to a request doesn’t always have to be a straight-up yes or no. If you aren’t available or comfortable with what someone has asked of you, feel free to suggest an alternative that you would be willing to say yes to, says Shilpa Shah, a licensed mental health counselor.

If they push back, you could also add, “I understand that this may be disappointing, but this is what I’m comfortable with/available for.”

“It may take some practice, but being uncomfortable with something does not mean that you’re doing something wrong,” says Shah. You’re allowed to set—and stick to—your limits.

11. When you honestly just don’t want to go

Say this: “I really appreciate being included, but unfortunately I am not able to make that work.”

Why it works: When the real answer is that you simply don’t want to, try to resist the urge to overexplain or make excuses for why you can’t make it.

“This response allows room for gratitude and positive regard, while still communicating a clear answer about not going to something,” says Madeline Weinfeld Shill, a licensed clinical social worker. “People often feel like boundaries are harsh or mean, but there is a lovely way to communicate them kindly and still assertively.”

12. When someone pushes back on your boundary

Say this: “I hear that this is really hard/frustrating for you, but that doesn’t change what I need.”

Why it works: Remember that just because you set a boundary doesn’t mean the other party will respect or understand them. “If the person responds with reasons, guilt, or frustration, you don’t have to argue with any of it,” says Dana McNeil, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist.

The important thing to remember is that someone else’s disagreement with your boundary doesn’t automatically mean you need to change it, apologize, or over-explain yourself.

“You can have empathy for someone’s circumstances without changing your boundary,” Dr. McNeil says.

Want more unfiltered advice from therapists?

This article is part of our Clinician Confidential series, in which we collect useful tips and advice from a wide variety of experienced mental health professionals. Check out some of the other articles in the series here:

Responses have been edited for clarity.

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