Can a relationship survive without sex?

Is it normal to stop having sex in a relationship?

Despite the messages we get from pop culture about what a healthy sex life looks like, there is no right, wrong, or “normal” amount of sex to have in a relationship. What matters more is whether both partners feel satisfied and fulfilled, says Nona Kelly, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Thriveworks.

“If you are happy having intercourse once a month but want to be snuggled up next to each other, touching each other, or pleasing each other in other ways on other nights, great,” she says. “And if both partners are content with no sex, then no sex can be healthy.”

Consider Mia and her husband, who just began having sex again after a multi-year hiatus. Following the birth of their second child, Mia began breastfeeding, and the resulting hormonal shifts rendered intercourse incredibly painful. (Breastfeeding lowers estrogen levels, which can cause vaginal dryness.)

“I didn’t want to stop nursing just to fix my sexual life,” Mia says, and “my husband was very supportive and accepting. He said he’d wait until I was no longer breastfeeding. So for almost three years, all we did was cuddle. That’s all we needed.”

When it comes to sexual frequency, fluctuations happen. According to experts, it only becomes a problem if one or both people aren’t happy with the amount of sex in the relationship. Often Kelly sees one partner raising concerns about the shift while the other says it’s no big deal. That mismatch deserves attention.

So, while it’s not uncommon for sex to (occasionally or consistently) play a smaller role in the relationship, “that doesn’t mean it’s healthy for everyone,” says Kelly.

Read more: “I have no desire for my husband.” What to do when you drift apart from your spouse

Why you (or your partner) might be less interested in having sex

There are plenty of reasons couples stop having sex, many of which come down to the chronic stress of adulting—raising children, navigating career and financial challenges, etc. But a lack of sexual activity in a romantic relationship can be influenced by all sorts of things, including:

Boredom

“Early on, you have that new relationship energy,” Dr. Elton says. “You’re curious about the person, want to be with them most of the time, and have a cocktail of hormones driving your desire.” But it’s common to fall into more of a routine over time: same position, same location, same order of events.

And while there’s nothing wrong with doing what works, all that monotony doesn’t do much for desire. A shared life, Dr. Elton says, naturally becomes less spontaneous as emotional stability and predictability rise, but libido-driving novelty might diminish.

Relationship and communication issues

A lack of sex is often a symptom of a broader relationship challenge that’s been festering for some time. In many cases, communication is the issue, Kelly says. “If you’re not doing well communicating as a couple in other areas of life, most likely it’s going to reflect in the sex too.”

Being on different pages about, say, finances, social life, parenting styles, or household responsibilities can breed conflict, resentment, or disappointment—not the typical turn-ons.

For example, a 2022 Archives of Sexual Behavior study found that women who were partnered with men and had children reported lower sexual desire when they were the ones taking on the bulk of the household labor.

Too much tech

Mindless scrolling can be tempting after a long day, but regularly turning to your phone instead of your partner can gradually erode intimacy.
“Those small, missed opportunities for connection may seem insignificant in the moment,” Dr. Elton says, “but over time, they can contribute to growing distance between partners.” One study of adults who had been in a romantic relationship for more than six months linked perceived phubbing (the feeling of being snubbed in favor of your partner’s phone) with lower intimacy.

Mental and physical health

Depression, trauma, body image issues, and performance anxiety can all dampen sexual desire. We also know that certain medications—including antidepressants, blood pressure medications, antihistamines, hormone blockers, and prescription pain meds—can decrease sex drive in some people.

Physical health conditions can also play a role, whether you’re dealing with chronic pain, perimenopause, or a sexual dysfunction issue.

Of course, this isn’t an exhaustive list of factors that impact the amount of sex you’re having in a relationship. So if you’re wondering what’s at the root of your rut, individual and couples therapy are great places to dig into your unique situation and find possible solutions.

Can a relationship survive without sex?

A lower frequency of sex doesn’t automatically signal the demise of a relationship. What matters most is whether both partners feel “intimately connected and at peace together,” Kelly says.

Honest, open communication is a must to understand whether you’re both feeling fulfilled. A recent meta-analysis analyzing nearly 39,000 individuals across 93 studies revealed sexual communication as one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction—stronger than sexual frequency or novelty.

But honest, open conversations about sex can be challenging, even for couples with strong communication skills in other areas of life.

“It’s really hard to say, ‘Hey, I’ve been initiating, and I feel rejected,’ or ‘I don’t even want to be touched because every time I give you a hug, you think it’s an invitation for sex,’” Dr. Elton says. This kind of sex talk can feel uncomfortably vulnerable, triggering, accusatory, or hurtful. As a result, people may remain silent and wind up frustrated with their sex life, completely unbeknownst to their partner.

Differing definitions of sex and intimacy also muddy the waters. Dr. Elton has asked couples, “When was the last time you were intimate?” and heard “last month” from one partner and “six months ago” from the other—not because of infidelity, but because one person counted touching and cuddling as intimacy, while the other defined intimacy only as penetrative sex.

While these conversations can feel daunting, “when we talk to our partner about sexual intimacy and our personal needs, desires, and hopes, it brings about a shared feeling of vulnerability that has the potential to grow the couple closer,” Kelly says.

For Mia, being able to speak openly with her husband about their lack of sex helped her feel reassured. “I now know we can still be together when that aspect of our relationship isn’t working. We love each other endlessly, and sex is not the most important thing for us. So yes, it is possible to have a sexless relationship.”

How to talk about it

Dr. Elton suggests couples start with what is working for you: “I loved when you did ___ last month” or “Remember when we used to ___? That was so good.” Starting on a positive note can create a feeling of safety.

Next, try checking in with your partner in a gentle, observational, non-accusatory way. Kelly recommends something along the lines of, “Hey, it feels like something’s off with us. We haven’t had sex in three weeks, and I don’t feel as close to you.” (Notice how different that feels than, “You never want to have sex with me.”)

Try to remain empathetic and avoid placing blame or judgment on anyone—including yourself. Dr. Elton recommends doing this at a time when you have at least half an hour to talk, and not right before bed. Try a lower-stakes moment like during a drive or walk.

She also recommends the principles of nonviolent communication, a framework that helps build emotional connection while navigating conflict.

How therapy can help

Staying calm and non-judgmental in these vulnerable conversations is often easier said than done, which is one reason many find couples therapy helpful.

A couples counselor can help you uncover relationship challenges that may be contributing to your sexlessness while serving as a neutral third party and guide. A skilled couples counselor or marriage therapist will:

• Ask each of you what brings you to couples therapy and what you hope to get out of it
• Help you unpack how past experiences, current stressors, and patterns of behavior might be impacting how both of you show up in your relationship
• Facilitate open, honest, effective communication and conflict resolution skills
• Offer sample scripts that you can use when broaching difficult topics with one another
• Partner with you to cultivate strategies for building trust, respect, and intimacy

“Sometimes couples don’t even know where to start,” Dr. Elton says. “Other times they’ve tried so many times, nothing is working, and that affects their motivation to change.” A third party can help you navigate and identify what is and isn’t working.

If your partner isn’t on board with couples therapy yet, you can always start with individual therapy, where you can explore your own mental health, attachment style, past traumas, and other ingredients that factor into your relationship.

Plus, a trained professional will often remind you to not worry about what’s “normal.”

“Whatever you find works for you is right for you,” says Kelly. “No matter your age or where you are in life, decide what you want and let that be ‘normal.’ Instead of ‘What is everybody else doing?’ I encourage couples to identify, ‘What would be wonderful for us?’”

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

How long is too long without sex in a relationship?

There is no universal right, wrong, or “normal” length of time to go without sex in a relationship. Some research suggests that couples who have sex once a week tend to have the highest rates of happiness and relationship satisfaction, but what matters most is whether both partners feel satisfied and fulfilled.

Does a lack of sex mean my partner isn’t attracted to me anymore?

There are dozens of possible reasons one or both partners aren’t interested in having sex. Sexual boredom, mismatched libidos, chronic stress, relationship issues, and mental or physical health conditions are just a few examples. Talking about it with your partner is the best way to find out what’s contributing to it.

Is it normal to stop having sex after having a baby?

Any stressful event can put a dent in desire, including becoming a new parent, parenting a teen, caring for an aging parent, menopause, grief, career anxiety, and more. If it feels overwhelming to you, it has the power to interfere with sexual desire.

What’s the difference between low libido and being asexual?

Low libido refers to having a low sex drive, or being less interested in sex than usual. Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which individuals “are not drawn to people sexually and do not desire to act upon attraction to others in a sexual way,” according to The Asexual Visibility & Education Network.

Can two people with low sex drives have a fulfilling relationship?

Absolutely, as long as both partners feel physically and emotionally satisfied with low amounts of sex. A lack of sex in a relationship only causes trouble when one or both partners are unhappy with the frequency or quality of their physical intimacy.

Can a sexless relationship become sexual again?

Yes, couples dealing with sexless relationships often find that working on their communication—not just about sex, but about work, family, mental load, and more—can help them reconnect in ways that facilitate more emotional and physical intimacy, including (but not limited to) sex.