Navigating relationship PTSD: Tips for healing

What Is Relationship PTSD?

​​Relationship PTSD is a type of post-traumatic stress disorder that develops from experiencing abuse, manipulation, or trauma within an intimate relationship. While “relationship PTSD” isn’t an official diagnosis in the DSM-5, you can absolutely develop PTSD from relationship trauma.

This occurs when harmful experiences with someone close to you—such as emotional abuse, gaslighting, threats, betrayal, or physical violence—leave lasting psychological wounds that continue affecting you long after the relationship ends.

How Does Relationship PTSD Work?

When you experience repeated harm from someone you trust, your brain starts treating that person—and eventually people who remind you of them—as a threat. Even after the harmful relationship ends, your nervous system remains on high alert, scanning for danger that may not actually exist.

Here’s what happens: Your brain creates strong associations between certain behaviors, tones of voice, or situations and the fear you felt during the traumatic relationship. So when your new partner raises their voice during a normal disagreement, your brain might interpret this as the same threat you faced before, triggering an intense “fight, flight, or freeze” response, even though you’re actually safe.

This is why relationship PTSD can make healthy relationships feel dangerous and why your reactions might seem disproportionate to what’s actually happening in the moment.

How Do I Know if I Have Trauma From a Past Relationship? The Signs and Symptoms

Experiencing trauma in relationships isn’t always obvious. When people think of trauma and abuse, they often imagine physical violence and intimidation. This is certainly a form of trauma, and a highly impactful one, but it isn’t the only way trauma can occur.

“Unlike a single traumatic event, relationship trauma tends to occur gradually over time, leaving the nervous system in a heightened state of alertness,” says Theresa Lupcho, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks. “This could include betrayal, infidelity, manipulation, gaslighting, verbal abuse, or ongoing criticism that eroded a person’s sense of safety and trust.”

Because trauma can take various forms, the symptoms of past trauma can also show up in different ways. Here’s what to watch for:

Emotional Symptoms

• Emotional shutdown: When feeling overwhelmed or triggered, you enter a period of numbness. You might not know how you’re feeling when people ask, and because of this, struggle to address what’s wrong.
• Fear of vulnerability: Being vulnerable is scary for anyone, but trauma can cause you to avoid it at all costs as a protection mechanism, withholding trust for fear of deep emotional hurt.
• Hypervigilance: You are hyperaware of your partner’s emotions, trying to anticipate their feelings and reactions to avoid possible hurt or danger, even in safe situations.
• Difficulty trusting others: You are mistrusting and highly suspicious of your partner, even when they have only shown kind, healthy and stable behavior toward you.
• Feeling chronically unsafe: Even in objectively safe situations, your nervous system remains on high alert, as if danger could strike at any moment.

Behavioral Symptoms

• Stonewalling: When there’s conflict, you stop talking and refuse to continue the discussion, even in a healthy way.
• Disproportionate reactions: When someone uses a certain tone of voice or momentarily ignores you, your reaction might seem more intense than what occurred, causing you to panic, feel intense anger, or socially and emotionally withdraw. “If your emotional responses feel bigger than the current situation or hard to control, trauma may be influencing you,” Lupcho says.
• Ending relationships: Even though nothing is objectively wrong, you might feel a strong need to get out of the relationship, ending things before they can hurt you.
• Avoidance: You instead avoid relationships altogether, preferring being on your own to avoid being triggered.
• Self-sabotaging: When in a relationship, you tend to catastrophize (think worst-case scenario) or find any reason why the relationship should end. “You might catch yourself comparing your current partner to your ex, assuming they’re lying or hiding something, or seeing traits like their eating habits or attentiveness to you as relationship-ending deal-breakers,” Lupcho says.

Physical Symptoms

• Nightmares: Stress from traumatic events can permeate sleep, causing intense nightmares and interfering with sleep quality.
• Anxious sensations when reminded of the past: “Physically, trauma can lead to a rapid heart rate, tense muscles, sweating, stomach upset, and more when a situation or person reminds you of an instance from your past,” Lupcho says.
• Flashbacks: Memories of trauma can also invade your consciousness when you’re awake, often triggered by someone or something associated with a certain memory.

Each of these responses can quickly hinder a relationship’s ability to grow—a lack of honesty, trust, and communication will impede any efforts toward closeness and intimacy and replace healthy patterns with pockets of resentment and isolation.

Talking with a therapist can help clarify whether these experiences are rooted in unresolved pain and whether you meet criteria for PTSD or another stress-related condition.

How Relationship PTSD Affects New Relationships

Relationship PTSD can create significant challenges in new relationships, particularly because trust and communication patterns are still forming. The trauma responses that once protected you can now interfere with building healthy connections.

Common impacts include:

• Communication barriers: You might shut down during conflicts, struggle to express needs clearly, or misinterpret your partner’s words or actions as threats.
• Intimacy difficulties: Both emotional and physical closeness can feel dangerous, leading you to pull away when your partner tries to get closer.
• Trust issues: Even when your partner consistently shows trustworthy behavior, you may remain suspicious or expect betrayal.
• Emotional isolation: Your partner may feel shut out or confused by your reactions, while you feel misunderstood and alone.

These patterns can create a cycle where both partners feel frustrated and disconnected. Your partner might feel like they’re “walking on eggshells,” while you feel constantly misunderstood or under threat. Though relationship PTSD isn’t anyone’s fault, it can place strain on both people if left unaddressed.

How to Heal From Relationship PTSD, According to Therapists

People heal from relationship PTSD every day with the right support and strategies. Here’s what mental health professionals recommend:

1. Practice healthy communication.

Clear, healthy communication is one of the most effective ways to cope with relationship PTSD. Being able to express your feelings using non-blaming language helps you get your needs met while reducing resentment. Here are some examples of effective communication strategies:

“I” Statements

Use “I” statements to express feelings without blaming your partner. This helps your partner understand your emotions without feeling attacked.

Instead of:

• “You make me feel like (insert emotion).”
• “I hate it when you (insert behavior).”

Try:

• “I felt (insert emotion) when you (insert behavior).”
• “When (insert behavior) happens, I feel (insert emotion).”

Regular Check-ins

Set aside five minutes daily to check in about how you’re doing, what support you need, and how your day went. Ask what you can do to support them that day (and vice versa). This creates space to address issues before they escalate. It’s simple, but it can be a very effective tool for maintaining a healthy relationship.

Address Conflict Constructively

When managing relationship PTSD, it’s important to learn how to communicate through conflict rather than shutting down or avoiding it. You need to build trust with your partner, but also train your mind and body to accept healthy conflict.

Conflict doesn’t have to mean arguing—it can be calm, respectful problem-solving that strengthens your relationship. View disagreements as “you and your partner vs. the problem” rather than “you vs. your partner.” The more you’re both able to feel like you’re on the same team facing the problem together, the more supportive and resilient your relationship will feel.

2. Educate yourself.

Learning about relationship PTSD helps both you and your partner understand what’s happening and how to manage it effectively. You can:

• Read up on causes, symptoms and management strategies
• Join a support group
• Learn how trauma affects the brain
• Talk to a mental health professional about your symptoms

Understanding the “why” behind trauma responses makes them feel less random and more manageable.

3. Invest in professional support.

You don’t have to heal alone. Professional therapy can provide tools and insights that make recovery more effective and sustainable. Relationship PTSD can be treated in both individual and couples counseling settings.

Individual Therapy

Your therapist may use several trauma-informed approaches to help you process trauma and develop coping skills, including:

• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT): Helps you manage intense emotions and improve relationships through mindfulness and distress tolerance skills.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): Identifies negative thought patterns and behaviors, then develops healthier alternatives.
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): Helps reprocess traumatic memories to reduce their emotional impact.

Couples Therapy

The best way to build resilience as a couple is to attend couples counseling. These sessions provide a safe space to process trauma’s impact on your relationship with professional guidance. Having a third-party observer can facilitate healthy dialogue and keep conversations productive and supportive for both partners.

Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) is particularly effective for relationship PTSD, as it addresses the emotions driving relationship behaviors and helps partners understand each other’s underlying needs.

When to Seek Professional Help

There are a few warning signs that you might need to see a mental health professional for relationship PTSD, such as the following:

• Vulnerability is anxiety-ridden or avoided entirely
• You struggle to establish trust in relationships
• Communication between you and your partner is consistently poor, despite attempts to be open and honest
• Every relationship feels doomed or scary, even when no “red flags” are present

Though some cases of PTSD can resolve in six months, every case is different. Some people might experience symptoms for a year, and without treatment, symptoms could persist for longer.

If you are struggling to maintain healthy, productive relationships with others or see some of the above symptoms affecting your daily life, consider getting in touch with a mental health professional. They can help you process what’s happening and give you tools to effectively manage your symptoms, allowing you and your partner to find a healthy, communicative and joyful path forward together.

Recovery is absolutely possible. With the right support, you can build the trusting, fulfilling relationships you deserve.