How to deal with triggering food and body talk around the holidays

Why the holidays are so filled with food and body discourse

“The holidays themselves are naturally centered around family, friends, celebration, and, a lot of the time, food,” says Hallie Kritsas, a licensed mental health counselor at Thriveworks. Formal dinners, potlucks, parties, and traditions around cooking simplify offer more (and sometimes more emotionally charged) opportunities for the same diet culture talk we hear year-round. “It opens up the floodgates for all kinds of talk.”

There’s also the added social pressure that puts you in front of people you may not otherwise see very often, whether it’s a company holiday party or a week spent in close quarters with your extended family. That usually means more time around unpleasant relatives, less time with your chosen family, and feeling obligated to participate in every tradition or say yes to every invite. “There can be a lot of forced interaction,” says Alexandra Cromer, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks.

Plus, in recent years, the availability of weight loss drugs has introduced a few more holiday hurdles, Cromer says. Maybe a GLP-1 has led to noticeable changes in your body size but you don’t necessarily want to discuss your medication decisions with your judgey aunt. Or maybe discussions about weight and appetite are triggering for you, and they suddenly seem inescapable at every gathering.

“For a while, it was, ‘We don’t really talk about that’ or ‘That’s not acceptable to say,’” Cromer says. But, she notes, the rise of weight loss drugs may have put commenting on other people’s bodies and diets back on the menu.

How to navigate food and body talk this holiday season

According to the experts, making a game plan ahead of time goes a long way. Like any stressor, food and body talk can activate your fight-or-flight response, making it tougher to respond effectively or reach for the most helpful tool in the moment. Plus, you might be able to avoid certain situations with a little planning.

Remember, coping strategies and scripts aren’t one-size-fits-all, so take the ones that feel comfortable and realistic this season and leave the rest. Whether you’re up for tackling food and body talk head-on or just want to keep it from ruining your holidays, here’s what experts suggest heading into the season.

1. Identify the probable pain points.

Cromer recommends starting by naming the specific problems you’re worried about, whether by journaling about it or talking it through with a friend, therapist, or yourself in a voice note. What are some likely hurdles you’ll run into? What triggers do you anticipate? What are you dreading or worrying about the most?

“You can’t plan for perfection but you do know the people you’ll be around and the places you’ll be, so you can probably guess a few things that might come up,” Cromer says.

Don’t just list possible scenarios and triggers—consider what actually makes those moments hard so you can plan for that too. Do you have trouble standing up for yourself or get physically anxious during confrontation? Do you tend to fall back into old patterns, like disordered eating behaviors or reactive communication with your difficult family? These details can help you zero in on tools that are right for you.

2. Script some go-to responses.

If you’ve ever laughed off a seriously not-OK comment or fired off a retort you regretted, you can probably imagine how having a few scripts up your sleeve might come in handy. Even practic redirecting a conversation can make it feel less intimidating in the moment, Kritsas says.

Finding the right script usually starts with knowing your goal. Maybe you want to deflect quickly, challenge inappropriate comments, reiterate an established boundary, or just keep the peace and get through a gathering—there’s no right answer.

Read more: 12 scripts therapists use to set better boundaries

With your goal(s) in mind, you can strategize the most effective response based on factors like the setting, relationship dynamics, and your comfort level. For example, Kritsas says you might brainstorm clever comebacks to keep things light, vague answers to common nosy questions, subject changes to make pivoting easier, or firm, direct replies to shut things down.

Need some inspiration? These scripts can be a starting point for planning your own responses.

When you want to redirect (or shut down) the conversation:

• “I know you mean well, but I’m not comfortable with discussing X.”
• “This feels like a discussion for the doctor’s office, not the dinner table.”
• “I’m really enjoying our time together—let’s not spoil it with all this X talk.”
• “Interesting! Anyway, excuse me, I have to grab something in the kitchen.”
• “Whoa, what a personal thing to ask about!”

When someone makes an unsolicited comment or question about your body:

• “Thanks! I’ve had so much more energy lately.”
• “You look great too—I can’t believe it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other!”
• “I’m more concerned with feeling healthy than how much I weigh.”
• “I know you meant that as a compliment, but I’m actually trying not to focus on my size at the moment.”

When you want to put a lid on the food and diet discourse:

• “I’m actually giving myself the holiday off from diet talk.”
• “Hey, the pie hasn’t done anything wrong—let’s stop calling it bad.”
• “I appreciate the concern, but this is the perfect amount for me.”
• “I’d rather talk about X than what’s on my plate.”

When you really need to enforce a boundary:

• “I meant it when I said X. Can we change the subject?”
• “I’m still not comfortable with talking about that.”
• “My answer hasn’t changed since the last time you asked.”
• “I see you’re not going to drop this, so I’m going to excuse myself.”

3. Set some ground rules before you go.

Ahead of a gathering, Cromer suggests looking for ways to avoid certain interactions or shut down comments before they start. You might consider asking the dinner party host to seat you away from Patty the Body Policer or hitting up the family group chat with, “Before we get together, can we agree to skip the diet talk this year? Grandma’s pie is too good to worry about calories!”

If food and body talk usually comes from a specific person, consider having a conversation beforehand. Kritsas notes they might not realize it’s an issue, whether they’re guilty of well-intentioned compliments tied to weight changes or comments couched in concern for your health. And if you’ve brought it to their attention before, you might want to communicate a firmer boundary this time, like that you’ll leave the room when the macro-counting starts or won’t come back next year if body-shaming doesn’t stop.

4. Gather your allies.

Don’t put pressure on yourself to white-knuckle through the holidays alone—Kritsas suggests brainstorming who else can support you. Maybe your best friend can be on call to text distracting memes or hop on the phone for an emergency bathroom vent session. Or you can stick by your favorite cousin and ask them to intervene when grandma starts criticizing your weight again.

If you have a therapist, Kritsas also encourages a pre- and post-holiday session to strategize and process respectively. You can also ask if you can reach out over the holidays as-needed. Your provider might not be available to meet or reply, but their inbox may be open as an outlet. “Shoot us an email—tell us what your uncle did to make you mad or rant about how your mom was acting up again,” Kritsas says. “We’ll talk about it next session.”

5. Remember you can get through it—but it’s OK if you don’t want to.

While it helps to be prepared, Cromer reminds her clients that they can’t solve for everything. “Sometimes we think, ‘If I make this decision or write this script, I can avoid this stress and everything will be great,’ but the unfortunate reality is that we’re going to be uncomfortable.”

That’s where grounding tools like coping statements and breathing exercises can come in handy, especially for regulating your nervous system when you get activated. But tolerating distress is a skill, Cromer adds, so remember to give yourself grace if that doesn’t come easy to you.

“Sometimes it’s about reminding yourself that it’s just a day or just a night or just a meal,” Kritsas says, “and you can get through it.”

At the same time, don’t force yourself to suffer through something if you don’t have to. “If you’re super overwhelmed, uncomfortable, or unsafe, it’s OK to excuse yourself for a breather or to leave early,” Kritsas says. You can also make bigger changes to your holiday plan if needed, like updating a tradition to make it less-food centric or skipping a trigger-heavy gathering altogether.

“It’s not weak to have boundaries,” Kritsas says. “It’s knowing your limits.”