How childhood trauma affects adult relationships

What is childhood trauma?

Childhood trauma isn’t a diagnosis with one definitive list of qualifying events, says Laura Buscemi, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks. Instead, experts often use the term more broadly to describe harmful childhood experiences that have a lasting impact into adulthood.

When you hear childhood trauma, your mind might immediately go to what some experts call “Big T” traumas: things like assault, abuse, extreme neglect, disasters, exposure to violence, human rights violations, or, as Buscemi describes it: “the sort of stuff that should never happen to anyone ever.”

But childhood trauma can also include more common (but still potentially traumatic) experiences, explains Buscemi, like losing a family member, getting into a car accident, or having periods of high chronic stress. People often wonder if something as tragically common as losing a loved one can be classified as trauma, she says, but hardship doesn’t have to be extreme or extraordinary to take a toll on you long-term.

The spectrum of potentially traumatic events can vary even more in children. “As kiddos, we don’t always process life-threatening events for what they are, and we might process an event as life-threatening when it’s not,” Buscemi says. For example, a destabilizing move, rejection from your peers, or an unexplained absence of a parent can all stay with you long after childhood, even if you didn’t necessarily see the event as traumatic at the time.

Experts often warn against getting caught up in terminology and what “counts” as trauma. “If you have to question if something is traumatic, it probably is having a lasting impact on you in a way that’s worthy of attention,” says Alexandra Cromer, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks.

How unresolved childhood trauma manifests in adulthood

When experts describe trauma as “unresolved,” they generally mean it’s still shaping how you think, feel, or behave in some negative way, Cromer says. But because childhood trauma itself is such a wide spectrum, it’s hard to say exactly how that might show up in adulthood.

That said, experts are aware of the lasting physical and mental health effects of certain childhood traumas through the study of specific adverse childhood experiences, or ACEs. Research suggests that these potentially traumatic circumstances—traditionally divided into 10 categories covering various types of abuse, neglect, and household dysfunction—are linked to a wide range of negative outcomes in adulthood, including depression, PTSD, substance use disorder, heart disease, cognitive issues such as memory and focus troubles, and more.

Because each of these conditions and concerns come with their own range of potential symptoms or explanations, a mental health professional can help you sort through whether they’re connected to childhood trauma, something else, or both.

5 ways that unresolved childhood trauma can show up in adult relationships

It’s difficult to list all the ways that adversity and mistreatment in childhood can affect your relationships. “Trauma changes you,” Cromer says. “It alters the way you think, act, and feel, and that’s going to change how you relate to yourself and others.”

So what can that actually look like in action? Cromer and Buscemi say there are a few common themes they see in their clients with various types of unresolved childhood trauma:

1. You have a hard time trusting or feeling secure with others

Children are wired to depend on adults for safety and security, Cromer explains. So no matter what trauma you experienced, it often represents a broken promise in one of your most foundational relationships: That your caregivers either didn’t or weren’t able to protect you from harm. “Childhood trauma at its core can have so many ripple effects on relationships because it’s such a fundamental, biological betrayal,” Cromer says.

When that happens, you might grow up internalizing certain messages about relationships and struggle to form healthy attachments as a result. That may mean developing an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style instead of a secure one. Those patterns can play out in various ways, from needing frequent reassurance and assuming others will always leave you to relying only on yourself and staying away from relationships altogether.

2. You expect danger in ordinary interactions

Unresolved trauma can leave you on high alert for signs that something is wrong, which can bleed into even the best relationships. “It causes us to misread safety and danger cues, interpreting them as threatening when they’re not,” Buscemi says.

For instance, a follow-up question might sound like criticism rather than curiosity, or a delayed text might feel like proof that your partner is abandoning you. You may even struggle to trust positive interactions, wondering instead what their intentions are or when things will go wrong, Cromer adds.

3. You communicate in ways that don’t serve you

Open communication is key to healthy relationships, but it doesn’t always feel safe in the wake of childhood trauma. Sometimes protecting yourself can take priority over saying what you need, hearing the other person’s POV, working through disagreements, and other forms of vulnerable give-and-take.

We tend to fall back on the communication styles that served us as children. That might mean staying quiet, appeasing the other person, or letting boundaries slide. “Trauma can teach us that we have to be small and unnoticeable in order to survive,” Cromer says. On the other hand, Buscemi says, it could look like becoming defensive, confrontational, or reactive in an attempt to stop a perceived threat before it goes any further.

4. You struggle with sex and physical intimacy

The connection between childhood trauma and intimacy may be most obvious when trauma involved sexual abuse or another violation of your body. But, according to Cromer, other forms of trauma can complicate sex, too, contributing to high or low desire, performance anxiety, discomfort with vulnerability, or difficulties getting aroused or orgasming.

“Trauma puts us in a fight-or-flight mindset, and your body knows that sex is not necessary to immediate survival,” Cromer says. “If you’re running from a cheetah, you don’t have to maintain an erection.” In other words, unresolved trauma can be a major intimacy block.

5. You don’t feel deserving of love

Negative beliefs about yourself are common in the wake of childhood trauma, Cromer says, including feelings of shame, self-blame, defectiveness, or unworthiness. And that poor relationship with yourself can shape the type of love you expect and how comfortable you feel receiving it.

Cromer and Buscemi see low self-worth play out in a variety of ways. You might put your partners on pedestals, or self-sabotage to push them away before they see the “real” you. Or it may influence what kind of relationships you pursue or think you “deserve” in the first place.

How to heal childhood trauma as an adult

Yes, trauma changes you, but those changes don’t have to be permanent, Cromer says. Consider reaching out to a trauma-informed mental health professional if childhood wounds are causing adult distress or seem to be impacting your relationships. It can be hard to connect your current struggles to what happened years ago, and a professional can help you recognize patterns and practice healthier ways of coping.

Working through childhood trauma can be very individualized, and there is no single best approach for everyone. Buscemi typically recommends starting with individual therapy over couples work, even if you’re seeing problems in your relationship. Depending on your needs, you might try one of these therapy approaches:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you identify and change unhelpful thought and behavior patterns.
• Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) can help to build distress tolerance and emotional regulation skills.
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) uses guided eye movements or other visual cues to help you process painful memories.
• Cognitive processing therapy (CPT) focuses more specifically on how trauma shaped your beliefs about yourself and the world.

“There are so many paths to recreating a sense of peace that gets lost when someone experiences a trauma,” Buscemi says.

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

Is childhood trauma the same as PTSD?

No, childhood trauma refers to what you went through, while post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that can develop after trauma. You can experience childhood trauma without developing PTSD, though you might still have lingering effects worth addressing.

Can childhood trauma affect relationships years later?

Yes, childhood trauma can have many profound effects on you in adulthood, including shaping how you trust, communicate, behave, and experience intimacy. These ripple effects may surface in your romantic relationships, friendships, or general dynamics with others, sometimes years before you recognize the connection.

How does childhood trauma affect attachment style?

Trauma interferes with your ability to develop secure attachments, in which relationships generally feel safe and dependable. As a result, you might have an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style, perhaps fearing abandonment, keeping people at a distance, or moving between craving closeness and pushing it away. Your attachment style can impact everything from what you expect from others to how you handle intimacy and conflict.

How do I know if my childhood trauma is affecting my relationships?

Recurring patterns can be a major clue that your childhood trauma is affecting your relationships, meaning you keep running into similar problems across different relationships. You might also struggle to trust people, interpret neutral behavior as threatening, or find yourself confused with how your relationships play out. It can be hard to spot these patterns for ourselves, so if you’re dissatisfied in your relationships, it’s worth exploring the possible connection to your trauma with a therapist.

What kind of therapy is best for childhood trauma?

There are many ways to heal from childhood trauma with the help of therapy. You might address unhelpful thought and behavior patterns with CBT or build emotional regulation and distress tolerance skills with DBT. Cognitive processing therapy focuses more specifically on how trauma shaped your beliefs about yourself and the world, while EMDR uses guided eye movements or other cues to help you process painful memories. Above all, look for a trauma-informed professional who can help you choose the approach that’s right for you.