Healing from narcissistic abuse: How to reclaim your self-worth and move forward

Why Healing from Narcissistic Abuse Takes Time

Recovering from narcissistic abuse isn’t like moving on from a typical breakup or family conflict. This type of relationship leaves psychological wounds that take real time and effort to heal.

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse refers to patterns of manipulation and control used by someone with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) that cause psychological harm.

“This can include gaslighting, invalidation, shifting the blame, or cycles of idealization and devaluation that create confusion or dependency,” explains Samantha Potthoff, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in helping individuals recover from trauma.

While we often use “narcissism” to describe someone who’s self-centered, true NPD is a diagnosable mental health condition. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, people with NPD display traits like:

• Requiring constant admiration from others
• Having a sense of entitlement
• Lacking empathy for others
• Taking advantage of others to achieve their own goals
• Feeling envious of others or believing others are envious of them

These traits often lead someone with NPD to manipulate, gaslight, or otherwise mistreat those close to them, whether romantic partners, family members, or friends.

The Psychological Impact

Narcissistic abuse creates specific psychological wounds that make healing complex:

Your self-esteem has been systematically dismantled. Over time, constant criticism and manipulation erode your confidence and sense of self-worth. You may have internalized the message that you’re never good enough.

Trauma bonds keep you emotionally tied to your abuser. A trauma bond is an intense emotional connection that forms through cycles of abuse and intermittent kindness. Even after leaving, you might miss the person who hurt you or feel drawn to reconnect—not because the relationship was healthy, but because your brain became wired to seek their approval.

Your nervous system stays on high alert. Narcissistic abuse can lead to hypervigilance, a state of constantly expecting danger or criticism. You might scan people’s faces for signs of anger, rehearse conversations to avoid conflict, or feel anxious in situations that used to feel normal.

For some people, narcissistic abuse can also contribute to conditions like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)—difficulty functioning due to past trauma—or dissociation, when you mentally disconnect from your thoughts or identity as a way to protect yourself.

“Healing from narcissistic abuse takes time because the damage is both emotional and neurobiological,” Potthoff says. “The length of recovery varies—many begin to feel more stable within months with support. Full recovery of identity, boundaries, and self-trust may take years, particularly if the abuse was prolonged.”

Signs You’re Still Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

Recovery looks different for everyone, and there’s no right or wrong way to heal. These signs don’t mean you’re broken. They’re evidence that your mind is protecting itself and working to heal. They’re a normal part of the recovery process.

Common signs you’re still recovering include:

Intrusive Self-Doubt

Recovery often means reestablishing your self-worth, and lingering self-doubt is common along the way. This can show up in significant ways—like doubting whether you can ever have a healthy relationship—or in small moments, like second-guessing your outfit choice for your child’s school event.

Difficulty Trusting or Feeling Safe in New Relationships

Narcissistic abuse erodes trust, especially when developing close friendships or dating. You might search for red flags on a first date, feel on edge around loved ones, or hold back from being vulnerable even when you want to connect.

Feeling Triggered by Small Reminders

Even minor things can bring up uncomfortable feelings and memories from the relationship. Hearing a song your ex loved, seeing someone who looks like them, or encountering a situation that reminds you of past conflicts can all trigger emotional responses.

Experiencing More Anger Than Usual

“Many survivors fear that because they sometimes get angry, withdraw, or even mirror the behaviors of their abuser, they might be narcissists themselves,” Kellogg says. “This fear is often a reflection of the shame instilled by the abuse.”

He adds that this worry is actually a sign of self-awareness and empathy—traits that a narcissist lacks.

Difficulty Setting Boundaries

The trauma from these relationships and the self-doubt they create often make boundary-setting feel impossible. You might struggle to limit contact with your ex, feel obligated to always respond to a narcissistic parent’s calls, or have trouble saying no to requests that make you uncomfortable.

Blaming Yourself Often

When someone close to you has narcissistic tendencies, they may manipulate you into believing their hurtful actions were caused by your flaws. They weren’t. But both during and after the relationship, you might blame yourself for everything, including small things that had nothing to do with you.

Signs You're Making Progress

While recovery isn’t linear, there are subtle signs of healing to watch for:

• Setting small boundaries without as much guilt
• Reclaiming joy from simple things, like reading a good book or your morning coffee
• Feeling more settled in your body or experiencing newfound internal calm
• Having more clarity about what’s unhealthy in a relationship
• Reconnecting with people your partner isolated you from

How to Start Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Healing from narcissistic abuse takes time, but there are concrete steps you can take to support your recovery. Below are seven evidence-based approaches that can help.

1. Start trauma-informed therapy.

Narcissistic abuse often results in trauma that distorts emotions, memory, and self-perception. That distortion—combined with damaged self-trust—can make healing on your own extremely difficult.

Trauma-informed therapy approaches like EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), somatic therapy, or DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) can help you rebuild your sense of safety, self-trust, and ability to form healthy relationships. A licensed professional with trauma training guides you through this process, which means you don’t have to heal alone.

2. Reconnect with your body.

Trauma isn’t just stored in memories and emotions; it lives in the body. Abuse can disrupt the mind-body connection, making it hard to notice when your body signals distress through tension, stomach upset, or shallow breathing.

Somatic healing practices help you reconnect with your body and may even address trauma stored physically. Kellogg mentions that therapy integrating body awareness can be helpful, along with practices you can do on your own like yoga and meditation. These approaches teach you to pause, notice bodily sensations, and care for yourself in the moment.

3. Challenge your critical inner voice.

People in relationships with narcissists often become overly self-critical, hoping they can avoid conflict by “fixing” whatever the abuser doesn’t like about them. Healing involves challenging that harsh inner voice and giving space to other parts of yourself.

“Practices like journaling from different ‘parts’ of yourself can clarify internal voices that were silenced,” Kellogg says.

Therapy modalities can also help with this work. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps you identify and challenge unhelpful thought patterns, while internal family systems (IFS) explores different parts of yourself to understand how they’re trying to protect you and how to bring them into balance.

4. Gradually build safe social connections.

“Gradual exposure to safe social connections can rebuild trust,” Potthoff says. This might mean going on a date when you feel ready, making a new friend in a low-pressure setting like a book club, or reconnecting with people you lost touch with during the abusive relationship.

To reinforce that you’re safe to make new connections, celebrate small social wins—talking to someone new at an event, sharing something vulnerable with a friend, or simply enjoying time with others without feeling anxious.

5. Set and reinforce boundaries.

Rebuilding boundaries with others and yourself is essential to healing. Start by clarifying what your boundaries are. Examples include not answering calls from someone with NPD traits when you’re with friends, setting specific times to read their messages, or deciding you won’t discuss certain topics with them.

You can also set boundaries with yourself, like committing to attend therapy weekly or refusing to entertain fantasies about the person changing.

Upholding boundaries is where it gets tricky. Kellogg often recommends people write scripts and rehearse boundary-setting before practicing it in real time. This preparation can make difficult conversations feel more manageable.

6. Keep your healing focused on you.

Narcissists have a way of making everything about them. Your healing is not, and should not be, about them. This includes focusing on your own journey instead of obsessing over their behavior or trying to understand why they acted the way they did.

“Healing is not about labeling the other person; it’s about your own identity and emotional safety,” Potthoff says. “Healing requires patience and self-compassion, but it is achievable.”

If you find yourself focusing too much on the other person, try using “I” statements that shift the narrative back to your own experience and needs.

7. Use structured contact when necessary.

Ideally, cutting off or severely limiting contact with an abuser is best for healing. But this isn’t always possible, especially when co-parenting, dealing with family obligations, or navigating shared social circles.

For those who must maintain contact, Kellogg recommends “structured connection,” particularly for clients who are co-parenting. “This means limiting conversations strictly to co-parenting logistics, using written communication when possible, and adopting a businesslike tone to reduce emotional entanglement,” he says. “Support systems like a therapist or trusted friend can provide buffers that protect mental health in these ongoing interactions.”

Other strategies include the “gray rock method” (being as boring and unresponsive as possible to discourage engagement) and having a support person present during necessary interactions.

How Long Does It Take to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse?

There’s no simple timeline for healing from narcissistic abuse. “It may take months or years, depending on the depth of the relationship and the support system in place,” Kellogg says. “Healing takes time because rebuilding trust in oneself and others requires new experiences of safety and connection to overwrite what was lost.”

Recovery also isn’t linear. One day you might feel like you’re making real progress, and the next you could fall into intense self-doubt or struggle to trust someone close to you. That’s normal. Setbacks don’t mean you’re failing or moving backward—they’re part of the process.

No matter what your healing journey looks like or how long it takes, you’re not “behind.” You’re healing on your own schedule, and that’s exactly where you need to be.

The Bottom Line

Healing from narcissistic abuse is possible. You can learn to trust yourself again, set boundaries without guilt, and build relationships where you feel safe and valued. While the strategies in this article can help, healing from narcissistic abuse is complex work. If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or need support processing trauma, working with a therapist trained in trauma recovery can make a significant difference.

A therapist can provide personalized guidance, help you work through difficult emotions in a safe space, and teach you skills tailored to your specific situation. You don’t have to do this alone—and asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if I’m making progress in my healing?

You’re making progress when you notice yourself setting boundaries with less guilt, trusting your instincts more, and feeling less anxious around others. Progress often shows up in subtle ways: restored self-worth, thinking about the relationship less often, or feeling more like yourself again. Keeping track of these moments—in a journal or notes app—can help you recognize progress when healing feels slow.

What if I’m worried I’m actually the narcissist?

You’re almost certainly not a narcissist—the fact that you’re worried about it proves that. True narcissists don’t question whether they’re narcissists because they lack the empathy and self-awareness to do so. People who’ve experienced narcissistic abuse often worry about this because they’ve internalized accusations from their abuser or learned to scrutinize their own behavior to avoid conflict.

What if I can’t go no contact because of kids or co-parenting?

Healing is absolutely possible even without going no contact. The key is creating structure around necessary interactions: limit conversations to logistics only, use written communication like text or email when possible, and keep your tone businesslike rather than emotional. The “gray rock method”—being as uninteresting and unresponsive as possible—can also help reduce conflict. Consider working with a therapist to develop strategies specific to your situation, and lean on trusted friends or family for support during difficult interactions.