Ask a therapist graphic with Theresa Lupcho, licensed professional counselor

Boundaries are a popular topic right now, especially on social media. But if you consider yourself a people pleaser, you might find it stressful—if not impossible—to set them. I’m here to convince you that setting healthy boundaries is worth the effort, both for your own well-being and your ability to foster healthy relationships. Let’s start with a simple definition.

What Is a Boundary?

A boundary is a limit you set for yourself. A boundary might be used to express something you won’t tolerate (like being talked down to) or expect from someone else (like being spoken to with respect).

Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to develop an entirely new, iron-willed persona to be a person who maintains boundaries. Even small, seemingly insignificant boundaries can make a big difference in your peace of mind.

Understanding Guilt and Boundaries

Setting boundaries is an act of self-care. They give people clear and realistic expectations. For example:

  • You won’t stay on the phone with someone who’s yelling at you.
  • You will help your daughter by watching her kids, and you can commit to two specific days per week (rather than being “full-time” or expected to be on call).
  • You are committed to making decisions that are best for you, not what your friend wants (ahem, demands).

We use boundaries to establish how we interact with someone, whether it’s a family member, friend, colleague, or even an acquaintance or stranger. Boundaries can also be used to remove yourself from a pattern of behavior that isn’t working for you or change the script in a relationship.

That said, this isn’t easy. Many of my clients don’t know they’re “allowed to” set boundaries. You may have grown up in an environment where boundaries weren’t respected and you were expected to accommodate everyone (but yourself). Maybe you’re a natural people-pleaser and are afraid to let anyone down. Breaking that long-standing belief system takes time and effort.

This is why boundaries often come with guilt. Guilt is an emotion where you feel that you did something bad. In this context, that guilt is misplaced. You are not doing anything wrong for stating your needs or limits. You don’t have to ignore what you want. And you don’t have to take responsibility if someone else doesn’t approve or agree. Doing that triggers stress and anxiety, which is detrimental for your mental health.

If the process of setting and maintaining boundaries seems like a lot of work (wouldn’t it be easier to just go with the flow?), consider that you might be letting fear take over. Many people opt to ignore their own needs due to a fear of conflict, but conflict isn’t all bad! It’s an opportunity to work through things with the people in your life, which can ultimately strengthen your relationships.

How to Set Boundaries: A Guide for People Pleasers

If you’re just starting to learn how to set boundaries, here are five things to keep in mind:

1. Practice in low-stakes situations.

Rather than starting with a big boundary, practice saying no to smaller things or in the context of less personal relationships first. Maybe you don’t have time to make that commitment to your child’s PTA or you don’t actually want to buy the item a salesperson is pushing on you. That’s when you can step in with a simple “no, I can’t” or “I’m not interested.”

Eventually, boundary setting will feel more natural. You’ll discover that either no one gets upset or, if they do, you can handle their disappointment without compromising your needs.

2. Use “I” statements.

“I” statements put the focus on you, rather than making someone else go on the defensive. Using positive language (such as “and” not “but”) can also help. For example: “I know your intentions are good, and with that being said, I’m going to figure this out on my own.” Or “I know your intentions are good, and I want you to know that it hurt my feelings when you said xyz.”

3. Ask yourself: Is that true?

Remember, people in your life may try to make you feel bad for setting boundaries because it inconveniences them in some way. I recommend using the “is that true?” exercise. If someone tells you that you’re being selfish for setting a boundary, take a step back and ask yourself, “Is that true? Or are you simply taking care of yourself?”

4. Prepare a simple response to pushback.

Let’s say you know your mom is going to complain that you’re not coming home for the holidays and will try to guilt you into changing plans. Know how you will respond in very simple terms. For example, you could say, “I appreciate you wanting to see me, and I have other plans this year.”

You might anticipate that she’ll ask what they are, demand you reconsider, or tell you you’re being selfish [or insert another fill-in-the-blank word to show her disappointment]. Practice calmly repeating the boundary: “Mom, I have other plans this year.” No need to elaborate or try to make her see your view. Your boundary is what’s important here.

5. Be a broken record.

Be consistent. People will test if you’re serious or not. Give your boundary again. And again. (Your boundary is not up for negotiation.) When you remain firm, people eventually adjust.

Dealing with Pushback

Some people will not react well to your boundary. You may get gaslighted, steamrolled, given the silent treatment, or they may try to guilt you (or send other people to guilt you) into changing or dropping your boundary.

Here’s the most important thing to remember: They don’t have to accept your boundary, and many people won’t. It’s OK if they react poorly.

You can’t control someone else’s reaction, and you’re not responsible for it. Your boundary may inconvenience them or require them to take accountability for something in their life, which can feel uncomfortable. Stand firm.

If you do allow someone to plow through your boundary, practice self-compassion. Go back to your boundary and restate it. Then, walk out of the room, hang up the phone, or don’t respond at all if they continue to give you pushback.

The Bottom Line on Boundaries

Boundaries are for you. They are there to honor yourself, and you are not selfish for setting them. At first, it can feel like it’s more stressful to set a boundary, but you can learn that there’s freedom in doing so. Once people make them, we begin to see big changes. I see people transformed into more confident and assertive versions of themselves. Their self-esteem grows, and they’re happier for it.