Most of us don’t spend much time thinking about loss until it arrives on our doorstep. Grief is one of the most universal experiences we have, and yet it’s still one we rarely feel ready for. We’re left reeling, unsure how to grieve, and often wondering whether or not what we’re feeling is normal.

Woman on bed sad, grieving

The truth is that grief looks different for everyone. “There is no one-size-fits-all approach or reaction to grief,” says Jami Dumler, a licensed clinical social worker and director of clinical programs at Thriveworks. “The key is to allow yourself to feel, on your own timeline, and to give yourself grace.”

Of course, that can sometimes feel easier said than done. So we asked licensed mental health professionals what they wish more people understood about grief. Here’s what they said.

1. The only way through grief is to feel it.

It can be tempting to try to be “strong” and power through when you’re grieving, but that won’t help you process a loss or feel better faster.

“Grief isn’t something we ‘solve,’ but it is something we have to work through and go through,” says Hallie Kritsas, a licensed mental health counselor at Thriveworks. This doesn’t mean you have to think about your loss 24/7, but when hard emotions do come up, try to acknowledge them rather than push them away.

“To know that you are going to have to sit with and work with your feelings can be tough, but it can also be helpful to know that you’re not doing anything wrong by working through your feelings and feeling stuck sometimes. That is just part of the process.”

2. You’re not meant to carry grief alone.

“Grief is best navigated in community—not necessarily a large community, but a quality one,” says Alexyis Roberts, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks. “The right people can provide space to be honest, supported, and seen without having to rush the process.”

Even if you’re someone who tends to keep your emotions to yourself, it’s important to open up to trusted people and let your circle show up for you. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing with your friends and family, you might consider looking into local or virtual grief support groups to find a sense of community and understanding. Grief counseling can also be a helpful outlet.

3. Grief doesn’t shrink; we just grow around it.

“A common misconception about grief is that it shrinks over time. It never does. We just become a bigger container for it,” says Becca Gregory, a licensed clinical social worker. “Early in grief, our container is small, so grief spills into every moment and washes out every aspect of life. Over time, we expand enough to hold the immensity of grief alongside connection, presence, gratitude, and even play.”

Just remember that this takes time, and there’s no set timeline for when you’ll feel like you’ve truly grown alongside the grief. So try to be patient.

4. Pretty much everyone feels like they’re doing it wrong.

Self-criticism and judgement are unfortunately common during the grieving process.

“When you’re grieving, it’s normal to feel like you’re doing it wrong,” says Amanda Etienne, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist. “You might have days and weeks where it feels like you’ve been stuck in the same emotional place for a long time, and you might have days where things feel better than you think you ‘should.’” Try to give yourself grace for however you’re doing.

5. Grief is more than just sadness.

Don’t be shocked if you feel a range of emotions while you’re grieving.

“Grief comes in many forms, and it is not always experienced as sadness. Sometimes, it can be anxiety or fatigue; other times it may seem like irritability, numbness, or even just not feeling like yourself,” says Gary Dillon, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and founder of Ally Psychological Therapy.

So be gentle with whatever emotions come up for you. “Sometimes the first step toward healing from grief is simply naming and accepting that you’re grieving,” Dr. Dillon says.

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6. You don’t need to stop missing them.

Healing doesn’t mean reaching some arbitrary end point where you don’t still think about them often.

“The goal isn’t to stop missing the person or what was lost. It’s learning how to hold both, the grief and the good memories,” says Samantha Bickham, a licensed mental health counselor. “Healing from loss doesn’t mean leaving someone or the memories behind. It means learning how to carry them with you in a different way.”

7. You’re going to be different after loss, and that’s OK.

Loss can change how you see yourself, how you value life, and what your priorities are. You don’t have to pressure yourself to become the exact same person you were before the loss.

“Grievers are often pressured to ‘move on’ or get back to being their ‘old self.’ Grievers will never be the person they were before their loved one died,” says Monica Polanco, a licensed clinical social worker. “Grief is an initiation. It challenges people to reconsider their values, and that takes time. They need time to feel their pain, process what they’ve lost, and discover who they are as a result.”

8. The “stages” of grief aren’t a universal roadmap.

You’ve probably heard about the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), but that doesn’t mean that your grief will necessarily follow this pattern. Some people even experience delayed grief that surfaces weeks, months, or years later.

“While the stages of grief are often referenced in conversations about loss, what’s frequently missed is that they don’t unfold in a neat, linear way,” says Natalee Gaddini-Birdwell, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “In reality, grief looks more like a tangled ball; people move in and out of different stages, sometimes returning to the same place again and again.”

And there isn’t necessarily an endpoint or finish line. “We don’t arrive somewhere at the end of these stages,” Gaddini-Birdwell adds. “It becomes integrated into our lives and can resurface over time, especially during meaningful moments like milestones, transitions, or reminders of what’s been lost.”

9. Grief isn’t something to “get over.”

“I think one of the most common misconceptions about grief is that it is something someone has to ‘get over’ or ‘work through,’” says Madeline Weinfeld Shill, a licensed clinical social worker. “The goal is not to ‘overcome’ grief, but rather to learn how to integrate the grief into a still meaningful, fulfilling life.”

So instead of focusing on getting over your grief, try focusing on learning how to live with the loss while still finding fulfillment in your life through other ways. “When we take off the pressure to ‘feel better,’ we find that grief can coexist with all other emotional experiences, even joy,” she adds.

10. Grief can feel like a roller coaster.

For most people, grief is anything but linear, says Jordan Bierbrauer, a licensed clinical social worker at Thriveworks. “There will be ups and downs, and then there will be loops and corkscrews. People will think that because they are ‘down’ on the roller coaster, that they are regressing, and this is not the case,” he says. “Grief is complicated, and some days we are more OK with it than other days.”

So the next time you’re having a “down” day, remember that it doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. It’s just the unpredictable nature of grief.

11. Try to find balance between grieving and doing things that bring you joy.

Feeling the pain associated with grieving is key, but it’s also important to find a balance between honoring your grief and allowing yourself to keep living.

“It can be harmful to be all-consumed by grief for prolonged periods of time, or to ruminate about the grief all day for weeks on end,” says Stella Kimbrough, a licensed clinical social worker. “Rather, I would encourage people to set aside some time each day, if possible, to allow feelings of sadness and thoughts about the grief to arise without holding on to them or pushing them away.”

For example, Kimbrough suggests setting a 20-minute timer each day to allow yourself to sit with your feelings and cry. Once that time is up, try pivoting to something that brings you a sense of accomplishment or meaning, like calling a friend, cooking your favorite meal, or whatever other activity helps you feel fulfilled.

12. You may experience secondary losses, too.

It’s not uncommon for a loss to send ripple effects out to other areas of your life, whether it’s your relationship, your financial security, or your sense of identity.

“Everything this loss touches—secondary losses—adds another distinct layer to your grief,” says HJ Cho, a licensed clinical social worker. “Because of this, your grief journey isn’t a straight shot from point A to point B, but ends up making countless detours and stops, and you grieve each of those losses with a different intensity,” Cho adds.

13. Grief flare-ups are normal.

“It’s normal for your feelings to intensify surrounding anniversaries or experiences that remind you of the person, even if it’s been a while since your person has passed,” says Geralyn Fortney, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks.

These flare-ups don’t mean you aren’t healing—they’re a normal part of grieving. You can look at these reminders as a chance to celebrate and commemorate the person you love.

That said, if you’ve been dealing with persistent and overwhelming grief for over six months, you might be dealing with complicated grief and may benefit from checking in with a mental health professional.

Want more unfiltered advice from therapists?

This article is part of our Clinician Confidential series, in which we collect useful tips and advice from a wide variety of experienced mental health professionals. Check out some of the other articles in the series here:

Responses have been edited for clarity.

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