Q: I left my last workplace due to discomfort with a small group of men there. In the process of asking for accommodation in my workspace, I was obligated to file a formal report against my wishes. Everything that happened was subtle, or they couldn’t remember it, or it was unintentional. No witnesses… It’s surreal — I came to start doubting parts of it, too. It’s been nine months and I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel guilty, even though all of them are still working there and I specifically requested no discipline. I keep hearing this mantra, “No one else is responsible for your feelings”, and I wonder if I was trying to make them responsible for discomfort that came from within me. How do you know when to trust your gut and when you’re reacting to a false alarm?
A: Hi there,
I am truly sorry that you are having such difficulty at work. Your work environment should be a safe space. We live in a society and culture that promotes behaviors and forms of oppression that can be emotionally damaging to those who are vulnerable. In this case, I am sensing sexism.
It is important for you to get some support for what you are experiencing. Ideally, it would be someone within the environment to validate your experience. However, it’s often difficult to discern who you can trust. I strongly encourage seeking therapy and support from your network around similar experiences they may have had. There is some legislation, such as the Civil Rights Act, that offers protection for discrimination and harassment, and new legislation, such as the Workplace Psychological Safety Act, that may be good to look into if you feel you need legal support.
Sometimes work environments can be simply not a good fit or just plain toxic. In those cases, it’s usually best to try to seek other employment. Most importantly, I encourage you to focus on self-care and your emotional well-being.
We all need to be responsible for our feelings, but that doesn’t mean that other people are therefore not responsible for their actions. If you feel uncomfortable about certain comments or actions directed toward you, take a moment to think on it. Was the action/comment purposefully harmful? Did it come from a place of malice?
Then, examine your own feelings. Where did my reaction come from? Is it tied to past events that may have been harmful or uncomfortable? Do I feel respected or cared for through these actions/comments?
This is called “mindfulness,” and is an important process for anyone to use, but it can be extremely beneficial to run through with the help and support of a mental health professional. They can add valuable insight and help you process your feelings and experiences in a supportive, nonjudgmental way.
Sincerely,
Valerie Proctor, LICSW
