Should I go no contact with my narcissistic mother?

I want to acknowledge how difficult this family dynamic is. This situation stirs up complicated emotions, and it’s easy to get trapped in these harmful relationship patterns with your mother. You might also have family members or friends offering their opinions on what you should do.

Let’s cut through that noise and find the right approach—whether it’s maintaining contact, going no contact, or something in between—that protects your mental health.

First, let’s clarify what we mean by “narcissist.” While this label gets thrown around frequently, narcissistic personality disorder is a specific psychological condition with distinct traits:

• Lack of empathy
• Extreme self-centeredness
• Controlling behavior, especially around image and appearance
• Grandiose sense of superiority and self-importance
• Constant need for admiration

With this understanding, is it possible to have a healthy relationship, or would you be better off going no contact?

Can You Actually Have a Healthy Relationship with a Narcissistic Mother?

If your mom has narcissistic traits, you already know how challenging this relationship can be. Here are the patterns that make healthy connection nearly impossible:

• Enmeshment: This often begins when you’re young and your mother uses you as her emotional support system. This creates unhealthy, blurred boundaries and leads to emotional manipulation.
• Conditional love: A narcissistic mother might use money or gifts to gain affection or attention. You may hear things like, “I just bought you all those clothes—why would you treat me this way?”
• Gaslighting: This involves denying your feelings, experiences, or even what you clearly said. A narcissistic mother will twist, confuse, and turn their child’s words around.

Here’s the truth: Having a healthy relationship with your mom means protecting your own well-being, not changing her. You’ll need to accept who she is—and how your relationship must be different because of that. Accepting doesn’t mean agreeing with her behavior or excusing it. It means dropping expectations for her to be more than she’s capable of being.

This can be hard to do, especially since it feels like you’re giving her a pass for her behavior. But acceptance is actually what allows you to find freedom and prioritize your mental health.

The bottom line: If maintaining contact is causing you anxiety and depression, you may not be able to have a healthy relationship. You should always put yourself first.

How to Maintain Contact Safely (If You Choose To)

Many of my clients choose limited contact for various reasons—sometimes it’s family pressure, sometimes it’s their own hope that things might improve. If you decide to maintain some level of relationship, here’s what I’ve found works to protect yourself:

1. Set and enforce firm boundaries.

This is something I work on a lot with clients. You’ll need to clearly voice your limits and follow through with consequences when they’re crossed. I always tell clients: You can never appease a narcissistic mother enough to create a truly healthy dynamic—so don’t exhaust yourself trying.

2. Practice emotional detachment.

“Grey rocking” is a strategy where you stay neutral—even boring—in your responses, especially when she tries to manipulate or criticize you. For example, if she asks about your dating life, you’d say something like “oh, it’s fine” and change the subject. The goal is to not give her anything she can use as a weapon against you later.

3. Don’t rely on avoidance.

Avoidance or stonewalling isn’t effective in the long run. Stonewalling means you “shut off” or withdraw from conflict. But that’s not actually facing it—the problem will come back up eventually. While it’s a natural defense mechanism, it means you’re not confronting your own feelings; instead you’re pushing them aside.

4. Build your support network.

Friends, support groups for adult children of narcissistic parents, and therapy can all help you navigate this relationship. I can’t emphasize enough how important outside support is for this journey.

When No Contact Might Be the Healthiest Choice

I’ve been talking to clients a lot about the guilt that comes up around this decision. There’s a real stigma about cutting contact with your mother, and I find that a lot of people stay in very unhealthy relationships because of that outside judgment.

Here’s what I tell my clients: unless someone has lived your experience, they can’t truly understand what you’re going through.

No contact might be your healthiest option if:

• Your boundaries are constantly violated
• She continues to manipulate and gaslight you
• Your mental health is suffering
• You’ve tried the strategies above and nothing has changed

If you’re not ready for complete no contact, I often recommend clients try low contact first. Here’s what that looks like:

• Keep interactions surface-level and maintain control of conversations—no emotional or deep information about yourself
• Keep phone calls and visits short (this helps with the above)
• Stop seeking empathy or emotional support from her—accept that she cannot provide this

Making the Decision That’s Right for You

This is a deeply personal decision with no one-size-fits-all answer. It’s really based on what you’re able to handle and what serves your well-being. To help my clients get at the root of what they need, I recommend asking yourself these questions:

• What do I want from this relationship, and is it actually possible?
• Can I accept my mother as she is, without expecting change?
• How do I feel after I speak to my mom—over text, on the phone, or in person?
• What boundaries am I willing and able to maintain consistently?
• Who do I have in my corner to help me navigate this choice?

Consulting with a therapist can be especially helpful when working through these questions. Therapy provides that valuable outside perspective, and it can help you rediscover your own values and core beliefs. If guilt and shame come up around your decision—which they often do—you can work through those feelings in a productive way rather than letting them drive your choices.

Therapist’s Final Note

Many people say that limiting or going no-contact with a narcissistic mother isn’t OK. I’m here to tell you that these boundaries are absolutely OK. Just because someone is family doesn’t mean you have to let them in.

I believe that whether someone is your family or not, they need to treat you with mutual respect. As an adult, this is your chance to create the life you want.