Why am I so hard on myself? Discovering the root of negative self-talk and finding ways to change it

Why Am I Hard on Myself? What Does It Mean?

Generally, being hard on yourself means that you have self-imposed consequences or allow and accept a range of consequences that you see as justified for something you see as a mistake. 

Being hard on yourself is a tough habit to break, since many of your self-criticisms may come from your surroundings and societal influence. Critiques are especially hard to let go of if you truly believe they are justified or that you deserve them.

Setting and failing to meet unrealistic expectations of ourselves can lead to a spiral of low self-esteem and self-destructive behavior. You may develop habits that range from negative self-talk to maladaptive coping mechanisms like smoking and other repetitively destructive behaviors.

Examples of Self-Talk When Being Hard on Yourself 

There are many versions of negative self-talk, and most of us hear these internal voices at some point in our lives. Types of negative self-talk include: 

• Overgeneralizations, such as “I always do this,” or “I can never get this right,” such as making one mistake and believing that making mistakes is a central tenet of who you are.
• Personalization, or taking an offense more personally than it was meant. For example, if someone snapped at you, you might believe it is in response to something you did rather than their mood or the situation.
• Mind-reading involves drawing demoralizing conclusions without enough information to support them. For example, if you spoke to someone and they didn’t respond, you might assume they didn’t respond because they don’t like something about you instead of simply not reacting to what you said.
• Counterpositive thinking involves seeing things disproportionately, such as being disappointed in yourself for getting excellent grades in most classes, but a slightly below average grade in a specific one, and only contemplating the bad grade rather than the good ones.
• Labeling, where you’re judging yourself and others based on behavior rather than on the whole person, i.e. “I stole something, so I am a thief,” not someone who has stolen something.

These patterns can plant seeds of insecurity, leading to a lack of self-confidence and even lost trust in those around us. If we can create healthy responses to these thoughts and critiques, it can change how we think of ourselves. Treating ourselves with kindness and grace can improve self-esteem and promote healing.

What Is It Called When You Are Too Hard on Yourself? Is Being Hard on Yourself a Disorder?

Being hard on yourself isn’t a mental health condition, but it may be a sign or symptom of underlying mental health struggles or disorders. 

If you think a mental health disorder might be behind what you’re feeling, make sure to talk to a mental health professional about your symptoms. They can help you figure out what’s happening and create a treatment plan that’s right for you.

Is Being Hard on Yourself a Sign of Depression?

Negative self-talk and negative feelings can be symptoms of depression, but they can also occur on their own or be due to other disorders, like clinical anxiety. This is why it’s best to seek a diagnosis from a mental health professional. 

Why Am I So Hard on Myself When I Make a Mistake?

Sometimes, the thoughts that shame us and how we treat ourselves are learned behaviors, taught by family, peers, educational institutions, culture, religion, or workplaces. They can also be a result of a mental health condition, as low self-esteem can be a sign of certain disorders. 

When you’re hard on yourself, the best way to start combating that behavior is to start questioning your thoughts. Ask yourself, “Why should a consequence be imposed when I don’t reach a certain standard? Who set it, and who told me that was the only way to be good?” 

Whatever the case may be, if you’re experiencing negative self-talk and feel like you’re being too hard on yourself, it might be time to seek help from a mental health professional. They can help you sort out what you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it, then give you tools and resources to work through it together.

How to Stop Being Hard on Yourself

When trying to change a familiar thought pattern, one of the best places to start is to challenge your thoughts. Put your thoughts “on trial” by following this process. Initiate this process when you notice you’re being hard on yourself:

• Step 1: Recall the thoughts and identify the situation that triggered them.
• Step 2: Identify the feelings you experienced because of the thoughts. List them out in your head.
• Step 3: Try to think of evidence to support the thought. 
• Step 4: Reframe the thought or situation by thinking of it in a new way. For example, did you forget an answer on a test? Well, instead of seeing it as proof that you’re not smart or good, maybe getting it wrong is a great way for it to stick out in your memory for a long time.
• Step 5: Evaluate what you learned. Did the assessment make a difference? Did it make you feel a bit better?

It may take a few tries for this assessment to feel like it’s working, but eventually, it can be a comforting and calming process.

If this feels like too much, you can also start by simply being mindful of your thoughts. If you catch yourself being too hard on yourself, think of why you’re being hard on yourself and try to find an encouraging thought to counteract it. You don’t have to treat the negative thoughts like they’re wrong or bad, since that could just lead to more shaming. Instead, try to soothe that part of yourself that feels hurt and is trying to criticize yourself.

What’s important is to remember that being kind to yourself is the best way to start healing the part of yourself that seeks to criticize. That means forgiving yourself, even for being hard on yourself. 

Though these approaches can be helpful, talking to a therapist can give you more personalized and in-depth assistance by helping you make sense of your feelings and finding ways to adjust your thinking that work for you.