The #1 coping skill for surviving the holiday season

Whether you love it or dread it, the holiday season can be a lot—time with family or time alone, travel days and inclement weather, tight budgets and extra spending, social obligations and end of year deadlines…the stressors pile up and tensions can run high.

So it makes sense if your usual coping strategies feel woefully inadequate this time of year. For many, the holidays are full of problems that aren’t easily solved or are out of our control entirely, from travel delays to difficult family dynamics. All the therapeutic tools in the world won’t turn your dysfunctional family into a Hallmark card, lower the cost of a plane ticket home, or bring back the loved one you lost this year.

At times like these, radical acceptance can go a long way. And that’s not a platitude—it’s an actual skill.

What is radical acceptance?

Radical acceptance is the choice to accept the reality of your circumstances, says Alexandra Cromer, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks. It can be especially useful in situations you can’t change, but lack of control isn’t a requirement, adds Cromer. You can also turn to it when you just don’t have the bandwidth or desire to tackle a tough problem.

Radical acceptance can be a hard concept to wrap your head around, mostly because “accepting” can sound a lot like approving, agreeing, or condoning—but it’s actually more like tolerating, says Evan Csir, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks. Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill based in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), meant to get you through inevitable pain while cutting back on unnecessary suffering, he explains.

Imagine your car is making a concerning noise: “I can ruminate forever about what’s wrong with it or stress how much it will cost to fix it or I can ignore it until it breaks down in the future, but none of that will change that I need to take my car in,” Csir says. Radical acceptance, on the other hand, means acknowledging there’s something wrong and acting accordingly.

“It keeps us in touch with the agency we have in any given situation,” Cromer says. “It’s OK if we want things to be different, but radical acceptance helps us go, ‘This is how it is. What now?’”

6 ways to practice radical acceptance this holiday season

Cromer notes that radical acceptance is a mindset you cultivate over time, not just tools you use in the moment. So don’t be discouraged if you feel resistance at first—especially considering radical acceptance is best suited for those situations we least want to accept. “Usually when we practice radical acceptance, it’s out of necessity in a very difficult situation—that’s why it feels radical,” Cromer says.

In the meantime, these measurable, action-oriented steps (known as acceptance actions) can help reduce the noise of the holiday season:

1. List what you can and can’t control.

For each holiday situation you’re struggling to accept—whether you’re stressing about a change in plans, grieving the first holiday without a loved one, or dreading time with someone in particular—Cromer recommends making two lists: one of things you can’t control and one of things you can. And be exhaustive, she adds, especially when brainstorming what is within your power.

For example, you probably can’t change your relatives’ beliefs or behavior, but you can decide how long to stay at the family gathering, who to talk to, and how you’ll respond when the invasive questions start.

That’s not to say you automatically have to do something simply because it’s within your control. Instead, Cromer recommends using it as a reminder. “Whenever I feel this urge to act or try to change my situation, I can look and ask, ‘Is this a realistic expectation? Is there something more helpful I can focus on?’”

2. Come up with an acceptance statement.

One of the simplest ways to channel a radical acceptance mindset is through a phrase you can draw on when you need it, Cromer says. These can be general and straightforward, like:

• “I won’t stress over something I can’t control.”
• “I might not like it, but this is how things are.”
• “It is what it is.”

But you might want to personalize it and get specific, too, whether you’re reminding yourself what’s outside your power or using language that’s less intimidating or more “you.” For example, “I’ve survived the holidays alone before; I can do it again” might feel different than “I can’t change that I will feel lonely this year.” As a recovering perfectionist, Cromer is partial to, “Control is an illusion.”

Whatever you decide on, Cromer suggests keeping it somewhere accessible, like on a note in your wallet or on your phone, so you can whip it out during tough moments. Consider adding pictures and other quotes, too. “Make it a grounding space for you,” she says.

3. Acknowledge painful thoughts that come up instead of ignoring or ruminating on them.

Acceptance can be a hard pill to swallow, so it’s understandable if you still catastrophize when your flight gets canceled or struggle to stay calm when your parent goes on a political rant. According to Csir and Cromer, that’s why radical acceptance often goes hand-in-hand with an acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) skill known as cognitive defusion, which is the practice of noticing painful, sticky thoughts without getting sucked into them.

There are many ways to practice thought defusion, Csir says. You could visualize your worry as a cloud and watch it float away. Or you could reframe it by adding, “I’m having a thought that…” For example, “My holiday is ruined,” becomes: “I’m having a thought that my holiday is ruined,” creating distance to pause, question the narrative, and reach for other tools instead of spiraling further.

4. Pretend you’re a neutral observer.

Whether you’re stuck at a tense family gathering, terrible office party, or crowded airport gate, try stepping back mentally and watching the scene play out. Observing from a distance can keep you from getting swept up in emotions, familiar roles, or attempts to control the uncontrollable, Cromer says.

You can frame the exercise in a way that feels fun or even productive. Maybe you tell yourself you’re gathering notes on how your parents communicate for your next therapy session. Or maybe you imagine narrating a nature documentary: Here comes the apex predator to comment on my plate again. Ah, there goes the impatient herd to swarm the check-in desk.

“Give yourself permission to gamify it if it helps you cope,” Cromer says. Noticing that someone is totally the Michael Scott in this episode of your life won’t stop him from saying all those things, but it gives you some distance and may lower the stakes a bit.

5. Visualize your acceptance in action.

It’s one thing to brainstorm mantras, thought exercises, and next steps that are within your control—it’s another to put them to the test. Instead of learning a few tools and hoping for the best on the big day, Cromer recommends mentally preparing for whatever you’re stressed about by using guided imagery. “Take some time to visualize yourself in these scenarios using your coping skills successfully.”

As you walk through the situation in your mind, ask yourself what you would do differently if you accepted things as they were. Even if your heart’s not in it, Cromer explains that picturing yourself, say, focusing on the delicious food instead of trying to smooth out another fight or leaving early instead of having the same disappointing conversation again sets you up to be less reactive in the moment.

6. Let the holidays be hard.

Don’t mistake radical acceptance for toxic positivity. In fact, acknowledging how much all this sucks is part of the process. “It’s not about pushing thoughts and feelings down—we still want to confront them head-on,” Cromer says. “You can say, ‘I feel like crap. I’m so sad. I wish things were different and I didn’t have to use radical acceptance.’”

Leave space to feel your feelings and, as Csir puts it, give yourself some catharsis, whether you want to cry it out, blast angry music, rant to your friends or in a journal, or just fully acknowledge that it’s not the same without a loved one here, instead of fake-smiling through dinner. “It’s about being purposeful with it—feeling your feelings to feel better, not worse,” he says.

Then, when you’re ready, remember the other radical acceptance tools at your disposal. “You don’t have to change the way you feel about it,” Cromer says. “But you don’t have to sit in it forever, either. You can turn the volume down on your suffering.”

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

What is the difference between radical acceptance and approval?

Approval means actively condoning or having a favorable opinion of a situation—radical acceptance does not. Instead, radically accepting something means acknowledging the reality of your circumstances (even if you dislike or disapprove) and taking steps within your control to make it more tolerable.

Does radical acceptance mean giving up?

No, radical acceptance does not mean giving up, though it may mean letting go of certain ineffective behaviors or unrealistic expectations. Once you recognize something isn’t likely to change—or isn’t worth the effort change would require—radical acceptance redirects energy toward what is within your control.

Can you radically accept something and still try to change it?

It depends. Often, radical acceptance means acknowledging something will not change and learning ways to mitigate the distress it causes. But radical acceptance does not mean doing nothing—it might involve shifting your attention to something else that is within your control that can change the situation in a different way.

What are radical acceptance statements?

Radical acceptance statements are coping phrases or mantras that reflect the reality of a situation. They can be specific (“I can’t change mom’s behavior”; “The weather is out of my control”; “This won’t be the holiday I pictured”) or more general (“Not everything will go my way”; “I won’t stress over things I can’t change”; “It is what it is”). Therapists often recommend writing them down somewhere you can see or repeating them out loud to ground yourself.

How do you radically accept a family member who won’t change?

There are many ways to practice radical acceptance with a family member and what’s most effective depends on a lot of factors. Start by getting specific about what you’re trying to make peace with and craft an acceptance statement that can serve as a reminder. For example, “I can’t force them to change” or “I can only control my own behavior”—that can feel meaningfully different and more realistic than, “I accept them.”

Can radical acceptance help with anxiety?

Yes. Radical acceptance can protect you from overthinking, catastrophizing, and other negative thought patterns that increase anxiety. It’s especially useful in response to situations that are out of your control, a common source of anxiety.