Ask a therapist: Jami Dumler, LCSW at Thriveworks

You might notice shifts in your child’s eating habits or a sudden fixation on specific body parts. Maybe they’re often scrolling fitness influencers’ profiles, lamenting “perfect” bodies, or pushing to try some new diet that’s alarmingly low in calories for their active growth stage. Sometimes it’s just a gut feeling: Something’s not right.

The concern is valid. Between 2018 and 2022, U.S. healthcare visits for eating disorders doubled among adolescents under 17. It’s a growing issue, and noticing these warning signs is reason enough to trust your instincts as a parent.

Even if you’re worried about overreacting, starting a conversation shows your child you’re present and ready to support them unconditionally. If there is an issue, early intervention is critical. And if not? You’ll gain clarity about what’s actually bothering them. Either way, you’ll be better equipped to help.

Let’s start with an important comparison.

Eating Disorder vs. Disordered Eating: Key Differences Parents Should Know

Think of it like a spectrum. On one end, you have diagnosable eating disorders like anorexia, bulimia, or binge-eating disorder. These meet specific criteria outlined in the DSM-5 (the standard diagnostic guide used by mental health professionals). On the other end, there’s disordered eating: a general category that includes potentially problematic behaviors like restrictive eating, obsessive calorie counting, skipping meals, or body image challenges.

Many people can have disordered eating without developing a full-blown eating disorder. But that doesn’t mean you should wait to address concerns. Taking action early, when you first notice worrisome habits, gives you the best chance to help course-correct and even prevent a full-blown eating disorder.

Here’s what I recommend doing before, during, and after you talk to your child.

Recognizing the Warning Signs of Eating Disorders in Children and Teens

As a parent, it’s not your role to diagnose an eating disorder, but there are certain signs you should watch for. If you notice any of the following, it may be time to start a conversation and see what’s going on:

  • Increased talk about body image or food. Your child might talk about their body, exercise, or eating more than they used to.
  • Changes in eating habits. You might notice them eating less, picking at their food, or cutting it into tiny pieces and moving it around their plate.
  • Noticeable weight changes—either up or down.
  • Shifts in clothing choices that may suggest body image concerns.
  • Changes in mood or daily functioning. Are their grades slipping? Are they having trouble getting up and going to school?
  • Requests for medications like antacids or Pepto-Bismol, or more frequent trips to the bathroom.

Preparing for a Supportive Conversation With Your Child

Your main goal is to create an open, supportive, and warm environment where your child feels safe to share. Listen without trying to diagnose, fix, or have all the answers—just open the door to conversation. Here’s how to set yourself up for a productive talk:

1. Educate yourself, but don’t overdo it.

A basic understanding of the warning signs and the many ways disordered eating can show up outside of bulimia or anorexia) can be helpful. But you don’t need to become an expert. Over-preparing can actually make the conversation feel less natural and more overwhelming for both of you.

2. Don’t wait for the perfect time.

There’s no such thing as the “right” moment. Instead of holding out for it, look for a time with minimal distractions—not 30 minutes before soccer practice, for example. Try to catch your child when they’re in a decent mood, and check in with yourself, too. Are you feeling patient, calm, and caring? That’s the best headspace for this talk. Avoid starting the conversation after a stressful day.

3. Ease into it naturally.

Giving a warning like, “we need to talk after school,” will only make your child anxious. Instead, aim for a safe, comfortable setting. Side-by-side activities, like working on a puzzle together, taking a walk, or riding in the car, can make tough conversations feel less intimidating than sitting face-to-face.

How to Talk to Your Child About Eating Disorders

1. Open the door to understand more.

Skip the script or talking points. Instead, start with something like, “I’ve noticed a couple things [name them], and I want to check in and talk about how you’re feeling or what’s going on in your world. I’m here to listen and understand more.” This lets your child know you’re coming from a place of care and curiosity, not judgment.

2. Practice reflective listening.

As parents, it’s natural to want to fix things or offer immediate solutions, but your job here is just to start the conversation and explore what your child is experiencing. As they talk, reflect back what you’re hearing in your own words to make sure you understand.

For example, if your child says they think they need to lose weight, you might respond, “I hear that you’re feeling like your body isn’t looking the way you want it to. Can you tell me more about that?” This approach is much more helpful than jumping in with, “That’s not true. You’re perfect just the way you are!”

Letting your child lead the conversation often helps them open up more, and it takes the pressure off you to have all the answers.

3. Stay calm, but be human (you’re not a robot).

Remember, this conversation is about your child, not about you. Stay calm and compassionate, acting as a supportive bystander rather than making it about your own feelings or worries. Avoid dramatic reactions or blaming yourself, as this can lead to shame and make your child less likely to open up in the future. Instead, empathize and normalize their feelings with phrases like, “A lot of kids go through this,” or “I’ve seen people in my life struggle with this, too.”

After the Conversation: Next Steps and Professional Help

Eating disorders aren’t logical, and it’s not helpful to tell your child they’re simply “wrong.” Instead, showing patience and sensitivity can keep the conversation open and make it easier to involve experts if needed. Professionals like therapists or registered dietitians who specialize in eating disorders can help your child challenge distorted thinking and begin to heal.

If you think your child needs more support but aren’t sure where to start, their primary care provider (PCP) is a good first step. Ideally, both medical and mental health professionals should be involved in their care. Therapy can be valuable, but make sure any medical providers are kept in the loop as well, since eating disorders can have serious physical health effects.

It’s also important to include your child in decisions about their care. This helps them feel empowered and involved. At the same time, hold your boundary as a parent: They need to get help. If your child is hesitant, you might say, “As your parent, it’s my job to keep you safe. If this continues, it won’t be safe for your body or mind. We do need to seek help. What are you comfortable starting with?” Some options could include:

  • Making an appointment with their PCP
  • Looking at therapist options together and letting them choose
  • Exploring alternative therapies, like art, equine (horse), or music therapy

Taking these steps shows your child you’re on their team and helps set the stage for effective support and recovery.

Therapist’s Final Advice

It’s never too early to start this conversation. Early intervention can stop things from escalating and help your child reach a healthier place sooner. I also encourage parents to set aside regular one-on-one time with their child, whether weekly or biweekly. This gives them a chance to bring up anything that’s on their mind, and it keeps the door open for honest conversations—about eating or anything else that matters.