Coping skills not working? Therapists explain what to do

You’ve tried the deep breathing. You’ve gone for walks. You’ve journaled until your hand cramped. And you still feel just as anxious, angry, or overwhelmed as before.

When the coping skills that used to work suddenly don’t, it’s easy to feel like you’re failing. But you’re not doing it wrong. The skill might just be wrong for what you’re dealing with right now.

Coping skills are powerful tools for managing stress and regulating your nervous system, but they’re not one-size-fits-all, and what works in one situation might fall flat in another. Sometimes skills that worked for years stop being effective as your life and challenges change.

Here’s why that happens and what to do when your go-to strategies no longer cut it.

6 reasons your coping skills stop working

Coping skills are excellent tools to have in your arsenal, but they’re only as helpful as they are effective for you. The following are common reasons a coping skill might be ineffective (or less effective) when you try to use it:

1. It’s new.

If a new coping skill doesn’t seem to be working, chances are you haven’t practiced it enough. In a state of heightened emotion, the logical brain turns off, which makes remembering and executing new practices to calm yourself down difficult.

“They’re called skills for a reason,” says Sydney Gomez, a licensed clinical social worker at Thriveworks. “They take practice.” Using these strategies in normal situations where you aren’t overwhelmed or upset helps ensure the skills can be used effectively when you need them.

2. It’s the wrong fit for the issue.

Another common issue is mismatching the skill to the issue. This can work in many ways, such as:

• Using a low-intensity strategy for a high-intensity state. Deep breathing isn’t always going to work for a full-scale panic spiral, especially if it hasn’t been practiced when calm.
• Using a certain skill in the wrong scenario. What helps you manage worry may not help you manage anger, and vice versa.

The skills being used might still be helpful for you in other contexts, but it’s important to assess the need and assign skills accordingly to get the most out of them.

3. You’re using them to avoid, not regulate.

“Coping skills fall apart when they’re being used as avoidance instead of regulation,” says Blaine Stephens, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks.

If you’re using the skill as a way of avoiding intense or uncomfortable feelings and never dig at the root of the issue, chances are the coping skill is acting as more of an emotional band-aid than an emotional regulator. Even though the skill might calm you down, the underlying problem remains and will keep coming up until you start working on it.

4. You’re not being intentional.

Intentionality matters as much as the skill being used. Using a coping skill effectively requires patience and focus, otherwise it loses its impact.

“If you’re just going through the motions of a coping strategy instead of mindfully engaging, you’ll notice it’s not as effective as before,” Gomez says. If you’ve had this coping skill in your toolbox for a while, make sure you take a beat to focus your attention and consciously run through all the steps when you use it, and see if that makes a difference.

5. Your life has evolved, but your toolkit hasn’t.

As you change and evolve as a person, so do the challenges you face. Internal and external conditions can change, which means the way they’re treated will change as well.

“A skill that served someone well during early recovery, acute stress, or a specific life stage may not match the demands they’re facing now,” Stephens says. “What used to be a functional band-aid eventually becomes too small for the wound you’re trying to cover.”

This doesn’t mean the skills you were using should be thrown out, either. “In my experience, it often means a new layer is present that’s needing something different than what usually works,” adds Brandy Smith, a psychologist at Thriveworks. “Rather, it just means that you might need to make adjustments and expand your current toolbox to make sure the coping skill meets your present needs.”

6. It’s just not for you.

Like we said above, not every coping skill works for everyone. Sometimes, they’re just not for you.

“Many people have idealized versions of what coping skills are or what they ‘should be doing,'” Gomez says. For example, maybe you heard that yoga is a wonderful coping strategy. It is. However, it may not be effective for everyone or in all situations.

“Finding the strategies that actually work for you is usually a process of trial and error, and sometimes what ends up working best isn’t what you’d think of as a traditional ‘coping skill.’ At the end of the day, what’s most important is that it helps you feel strong, secure, and healthy.”

Since it’s important to choose the right coping skill for the right issue, it’s ideal to have a whole toolbox of skills to turn to. That way, you can meet a variety of needs and feel confident that, if one skill isn’t helpful, you have a backup to try.

Types of coping skills: Building a complete toolkit

Coping skills go beyond just taking walks and journaling. While those strategies are helpful—that’s why so many people use them—they’re just two of many possible approaches for emotional regulation and stress management. To handle different challenges effectively, you need a variety of tools.

Here are the main categories of coping skills and how they work:

• Cognitive coping skills: These focus on changing thought patterns. Examples include thought challenging (questioning negative thoughts), thought stopping (interrupting unhelpful thinking), and simply noticing thoughts and emotions without judgment.
• Grounding techniques: These bring you back to the present moment when you’re overwhelmed. Examples include deep breathing exercises, the 333 rule (name three things you see, hear, and feel), and progressive muscle relaxation.
• Mindfulness practices: These involve paying attention to your body and surroundings without trying to change anything. Examples include body scans, yoga, meditation, and mindful walking.
• Outreach strategies: These involve connecting with others. Examples include calling a friend, texting your support system, attending a support group, or talking with a therapist.
• Emotional expression: These give your feelings a healthy outlet. Examples include journaling, creating art, playing music, dancing, or any creative activity that helps you process emotions.
• Spiritual practices: These connect you to something larger than yourself. Examples include prayer, meditation, spending time in nature, or engaging with your faith community.
• Healthy distraction: These help you step away temporarily when you need a break. Examples include watching TV, reading, playing video games, doing puzzles, or engaging in hobbies. (Note: These work best in moderation and when paired with other types of coping.)

If you’re still unsure which coping skills might work best for you, talk to a mental health provider about what you’re facing. Using knowledge of your personal history, situation, and challenges, your provider can give you coping strategies tailored to your unique needs.

What to do when coping skills aren’t helping

You probably already know when your coping skills aren’t working—you feel just as anxious, angry, or overwhelmed after trying them as you did before. Maybe the panic doesn’t ease. Maybe the intrusive thoughts keep spiraling. Maybe you can’t shake the frustration no matter what you try.

If you’re reading this, you’re likely questioning whether there’s something wrong with you or whether you just need a different approach. Spoiler: It’s almost always the latter.

Here’s what to do when your usual strategies aren’t helping:

1. Check the emotion first, not the skill.

When coping skills feel ineffective, most people assume the skill is the problem. But usually, it’s about the emotion you’re dealing with—its intensity, how long it’s been building, or what triggered it.

“If you’re using the wrong tool for the job, it’s not going to land,” Stephens says.

Before trying a new skill, check in: What are you feeling? How strong is it? What set this off? This helps you match the right tool to the actual problem.

For example, if you’re feeling restless anxiety—like your body is buzzing and you can’t sit still—deep breathing might make you feel worse because it forces you to be still when your system needs movement. Instead, going for a run or doing jumping jacks might actually help. But if you’re feeling overwhelmed by racing thoughts, physical movement might not be enough. You might need a cognitive skill like writing down your thoughts or talking them through with someone.

Matching the tool to the emotion also helps you identify and work through the root issue—because coping skills manage emotional reactions in the moment, but lasting healing requires addressing what’s underneath.

2. Try the opposite of what you’ve been doing.

If you’ve been trying to calm yourself down with grounding or breathing exercises and it’s not working, stop trying to force calm. Instead, do the opposite: Get activated.

“Sometimes your system doesn’t need soothing, it needs movement or action,” Stephens says. “Think ‘changing the channel’ instead of ‘calming the storm.'”

This means deliberately shifting your energy rather than trying to suppress it:

• Get your body moving: Take a short walk, have a dance break, or literally shake it out. “Anything you can do to move will help your brain and body,” Gomez says.
• Change your environment: Leave where you are—go to the grocery store, a park, a coffee shop, or a friend’s house. Physically removing yourself can help break the spiral.
• Talk it out: Call someone, leave yourself a voice memo to rant, or write your thoughts down to take the pressure off.

The key is redirection rather than suppression. If stillness isn’t working, try movement. If being alone isn’t working, try connection. Whatever you’ve been doing, try its opposite and see where that leads you.

3. Expand your toolkit and practice before crisis hits.

If what you have isn’t working, try a new strategy. Keep a running list—mental or written—of coping options to draw from.

“Build yourself your own ‘coping skills mixtape,'” Stephens suggests. “Something for your body (breathing, stretching, movement), something for your mind (thought reframes, naming the emotion), and something for your environment (changing rooms, stepping outside, sensory input like cold water). That way, you’re not relying on one skill to fix everything.”

Skills work better when you’ve practiced them outside of crisis. Try new techniques during calm moments and see what resonates. That way, they’ll actually be accessible when you need them most.

4. Connect with people (even if you don’t want to talk about it).

Connection is often incredibly helpful in hard times, but when you’re struggling, it can be difficult to remember to reach out. Even though it’s tough, try to reach out to friends, family, or professional support.

Keep in mind, reaching out doesn’t always have to mean talking about it. “Maybe you choose to talk about your struggles, and maybe you don’t. Either way, the connection with other people can reduce the intensity of your emotions and give you the comfort and support you need,” Gomez says. Take it on a case-by-case basis and do what works best for you.

5. Work with a therapist (even short-term).

Managing the challenges life throws at you isn’t always something you can do on your own. It’s OK to need someone to point you in the right direction.

“Meeting with a professional counselor doesn’t have to be long-term,” Smith explains. “You may discover you can get what’s needed within just a few sessions. However, if you feel you’ve exhausted your own resources, they can help you overcome the speed bump you’ve encountered and find what’s best for you.”

6. Resist the urge to blame yourself.

When a skill “doesn’t work,” the frustration often comes from how you think it reflects on you—like you’re losing control, failing, or not strong enough to help yourself. Though that part of you might be trying to help you and push you forward, the emotional hit of shame or guilt can make the whole thing feel worse.

“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” Gomez says. “Just because certain coping skills aren’t working the way you hoped doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. The process of trial and error is something everyone has to go through to find what works for them. What’s most important is that you keep trying new strategies and continue to work on your healing.”

Frequently asked questions

The bottom line

Healing looks different for everyone, and your specific challenges deserve specific tools. If what you’re using isn’t working, that doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re learning what doesn’t fit so you can find what does. Assess what worked, what didn’t, and come back next time with better knowledge of what you actually need. That’s not failure. That’s growth.