How to heal from abandonment issues: 4 pieces of advice to light the way

I had a picture-perfect childhood: loving parents, a nice house, a big yard and plenty of toys. My only concerns were going to school and playing with my Barbies, running off to soccer practice and riding my scooter, bugging my brother and watching Dragon Tales.

Unfortunately, it never dawned on me that this less-than-eventful lifestyle was privileged—or that this normalcy might one day get interrupted, and I should appreciate it while I had the chance.

Fast-forward to my sophomore year of college. It’s a Saturday night, and I’m getting ready to go out with some friends. I’m quite literally walking out the door when my brother calls me, concern and confusion in his voice. I ask him what’s wrong; he talks; I cry; we step out of the cookie-cutter mold.

Mom left, he told me. She stayed in a hotel for a few nights while she “thought things over.” But in the end, she left. She told us time and time again that she wasn’t leaving us—she was leaving our father. But it was all the same. She couldn’t be found in the kitchen on Wednesday nights making spaghetti or on Sunday mornings making pancakes. She wasn’t around to wake me up with a smile or wish me a great day, every day. She simply didn’t exist the way she had before.

I felt completely abandoned. This woman—my mother—whom I idolized, loved, and cherished for 20 years, suddenly disappeared. And I was left to deal with whatever mess she left behind.

It took me a few years to acknowledge the magnitude of this mess, but now I understand it will take time and hard work to clean it all up and heal from the pain and abandonment issues she left me with. It certainly isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. And I’m thankful I have the opportunity to grow from this experience as I continue on my journey.

Through research, therapy, and personal reflection, I’ve learned that abandonment issues are more common than I initially thought—and that healing is possible. Here’s what I’ve discovered about the nature of abandonment and the path toward recovery.

What Are Abandonment Issues?

Abandonment issues are characterized by having a deep fear of losing or being left by loved ones and can be triggered by feeling undesired, unwanted, or unimportant to others. This type of insecurity often develops in childhood or adolescence when someone, usually a caregiver, is emotionally or physically absent or unreachable, leaving the child lacking necessary support and care.

“Abandonment issues occur when someone can’t rely on their caregivers,” says Evan Csir, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks. “This might be because a parent is checked out for some reason, the child is left alone for long periods of time, a parent is unable to care for the child due to physical or mental health issues, or any form of neglect.”

All kinds of life circumstances can lead to feelings of abandonment, including:

• Death of a loved one
• Divorce
• Changing guardians or caregivers
• Lack of emotional intimacy from guardians
• Emotional unpredictability from guardians (making love feel conditional)
• Inconsistencies in parenting
• Neglect
• Traumatic experiences
• Abuse

How Can Abandonment Issues Impact Mental Health?

Abandonment issues can have a real negative impact on mental health, both for children and adults. “Abandonment can be the origin point for conditions like depression and anxiety. It can make you long for a time that never truly existed or believe you aren’t worthy of love and attention,” Csir says. “Over time, it can lower your self-esteem and self-worth to the point that depression develops, convincing you that social connection and intimacy just aren’t worth the effort.”

Unpredictability in relationships can also be a precursor to anxiety. “In your past, you might not have known what to expect from others in relationships, which can breed anxiety about when and where you might experience negative interactions,” Csir says. “You might even experience nightmares or symptoms of PTSD if your experience of abandonment was severe enough.” 

Abandonment issues may feel like they’re rooted in the past, but their consequences play out in real time, which is why addressing them and seeking support is so important.

Can Abandonment Issues Affect Future Relationships?

Abandonment issues influence a person’s attachment style, or the way they connect with others and conceptualize relationships, which in turn impacts how relationships play out in their life.

“Abandonment may cause someone to believe they aren’t worthy of love and affection, even though it might be something they want more than anything,” Csir says. “They may expect the current relationship to go bad, like a previous one did earlier in life, or struggle with trusting their partner or friends, demanding constant proof of what they did or didn’t do in order to feel secure in their relationship.”

On the flip side, a person might disengage from close relationships with friends, family, or partners, putting a wall up between them as a way to protect themselves. “Emotional intimacy can feel scary or overwhelming due to past trauma or negative relationships, causing them to put distance between themselves and the rest of the world,” Csir says.

How to Heal from Abandonment Issues

1. Acknowledge what happened.

“First, recognize and name what happened to you: ‘I got left. I was orphaned. I was betrayed.’ This helps you own the situation and get some power back from doing so,” says Jessica Tappana, a licensed clinical social worker. “Make sure when you do this that you try to identify how you’re feeling about what happened.” For example: “I got left and this sucks.” Or, “My beloved died, and I feel bereft.”

You’ve gone too far if you start drawing conclusions about what this event means for you, especially if you’re drawing negative conclusions.

“If you find yourself saying, ‘I got left, this sucks, I must be an awful person,’ or, ‘I never deserve to meet anyone great,’ put some limits around these statements,” Tappana says. “This is the kind of thinking that puts you in a downward spiral and makes your abandonment feelings more intense.”

2. Identify your feelings, and allow yourself to feel them.

It’s important for an individual with abandonment issues to “acknowledge that they’re hurting and in pain, and that this situation is going to be hard, but they’re strong and will get through it,” says Heidi McBain, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve the loss of the life you had planned with the person who left, and remind yourself that you’re going through a big transition in life, she says. “Things will get easier, but you have to take it slowly, step-by-step, day-by-day.”

3. Recognize that you are not the problem.

Another critical stop on your journey toward healing from abandonment is acknowledging and understanding that you are not the problem. “When a person is abandoned, they tend to view themselves as unlovable,” Tappana says. “When we find ways to view ourselves as a whole person and understand at the deepest levels that it had nothing to do with us, but rather more to do with the inabilities of the person who left, then we can become free.”

4. Be willing to ask for help.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help, perhaps from a professional. “If the abandonment you went through in the past is keeping you from moving forward, know that you may need a little extra support,” Tappana says. “Consider talking to someone trained in helping people overcome struggles, such as a pastor or professional counselor. A professional can help you take a deeper look at your wounds in a safe environment. You don’t have to live with the weight of your sudden loss or in constant fear that anyone you love might leave. Through counseling, you can find your self-confidence and learn to slowly rebuild your trust in the world around you.”

If you want to explore therapy options, we’re here to help answer questions or connect you with the right provider. 

“There is hope in that the way we join with others is not static—it can change, “Csir says. “The cause behind the abandonment issues will impact how long it takes to work through them, but everyone is capable of change and deserving of love and understanding.”