How to handle stressful parents around the holidays

Why you feel so small around your parents (even as an adult)

Family interactions hit us harder because they’re where our roots live. “We’re not just reacting to what’s being said in the moment,” explains Caitlin Opland, a licensed clinical social worker at Thriveworks. “When we interact with our family, we’re bumping into years of roles, expectations, and unspoken emotional contracts.”

These reactions run deep—your brain has literally wired itself around years of these interactions.

“When we hear or see certain things, our nervous system isn’t just experiencing the here and now,” Opland says. “It’s reacting to all the interactions from previous holidays: the tone, the looks, the pain, and the power dynamics.”

“That one statement or look isn’t just one small moment; It’s years of hurts coming back to you all at once.”

If you feel angry, ashamed, or overwhelmed around your family, it’s because they’re triggering the part of you that never felt heard, safe, or good enough as a kid. “So even if we’ve done a ton of work to improve ourselves, when we’re around those people, those old neural pathways still light up like fireworks,” Opland says. “The overwhelm isn’t weakness—it’s our body saying, ‘Hey, this used to be unsafe,’ even if our adult mind knows better.”

Parental criticism is especially damaging because parents are foundational to how your self-image develops. When the people who are supposed to build you up instead tear you down, it makes you feel like you’re “not enough” as you are. The longer these patterns continue, the deeper the wounds go.

That’s why it’s important to process these emotions and find ways to protect yourself, which starts with accepting what you cannot change.

Why you need to accept your parents may never change

Accept that your parents may never give you the approval you deserve, then protect yourself with clear boundaries. This acceptance frees you from seeking validation from an “empty well.”

To start healing from old wounds, you first have to accept reality. With family especially, it’s easy to live on hope:

• “What they said hurt, but they’re not like that all the time.”
• “Their behavior isn’t good for me, but I know they’re capable of being better.”
• “I don’t like that they said _____, but I know they do it out of love.”

Despite all the wrongs, everyone wants to believe that their family will love and see them the way they want to be loved and seen. But sometimes—either on purpose or without realizing—the people we love most are incapable of giving this to us.

Ben faced a similar dilemma. He struggled to see that his parents didn’t have it in them to show him the love and acceptance he wanted and deserved, both now and when he was a child.

One way it was explained to him: “Why go back to an empty well expecting there to be water?”

Ben’s wish to have unconditional love from his family is natural. But his hope that his parents would change wasn’t helping him. To move forward, Ben had to come to terms with the fact that his parents might never respect his choices.

When you accept what is true, you can validate your own sadness and anger. From there, you can rebuild your self-esteem.

For clarity on the difference between accepting what’s happening and tolerating negative behaviors, see the chart below.

Acceptance vs tolerance: How to tell the difference

Understanding where your parents are coming from—without excusing bad behavior

Understanding context doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, but it can help you separate their pain from your worth. “Understanding context is like turning on the lights in a room,” Opland says. “It doesn’t change what’s there, but it helps us see it more clearly.”

Looking at your parents’ trauma or survival stories allows you to make connections to their histories and limitations. “If we can understand our parents’ context, there’s a chance we can understand their criticism without internalizing it or excusing bad behavior,” says Hallie Kritsas, a licensed mental health counselor at Thriveworks. “We can make sense of their actions without betraying our own needs.”

How their insecurities become your criticism

Your parents’ hurts and insecurities are often directly connected to the criticisms they have of you. For example:

• If they want you to have a profitable job, there’s a chance they’ve felt financially insecure.
• If they’re constantly pushing you to do better at school, perhaps they see that as a path to success they never had.

Instead of taking care of their own issues, they project those stresses and insecurities onto you.

“Often, parents are doing their best with the tools they have or were given generationally,” Opland says. “They might even be saying what they do out of a misguided desire to protect you. By remembering this, it may help us let go of blame and guilt.”

“The goal isn’t to excuse harm, though. It’s to release the belief that we somehow caused it or deserve it. By understanding what’s driving them, you can finally see that none of this is actually about you. That’s emotional liberation: empathy without enmeshment.”

It’s challenging, but you have to see your family members for who they are, including their limits and weaknesses. When you do, you allow yourself to deeply know and feel: I am not wrong for being different from my parents, and I don’t deserve to feel guilty or ashamed.

Strategies for handling critical parents this holiday season

Going into the holidays, think about what will make you feel stronger and more confident around family. According to both experts, their number one piece of advice is to set boundaries.

“Boundaries are the most functional and foundational way to help manage family interactions and protect your well-being,” Opland says. “Remember: They’re not walls. They’re doors with locks you control.”

“Boundaries are not walls—they’re doors, with locks you control.”

Boundaries don’t have to mean going no-contact or cutting people off. They are firm lines you decide on before seeing anyone they apply to. Small but protective boundaries might include:

• Setting a time limit for how long you interact with someone
• Establishing off-limits subjects
• Deciding what actions or situations you will and won’t tolerate, and standing firm in your refusal
• In a group setting, staying away from people who generally cause negative interactions

You can enforce these boundaries loudly and firmly or quietly and subtly—whatever is most effective and protective for you. Protective practices might include:

• Limiting access: You don’t have to answer every call or text in real time. How many times a week do you want to respond?
• Neutral responses: “That’s one way to see it” buys you space without fueling the fire. “I’m not discussing that right now” can be both kind and firm.
• Aftercare: A walk, journaling, or time with someone emotionally safe helps you recalibrate. Holiday destinations can trigger memories, so it’s important to recenter yourself and re-establish feelings of safety.

“Before any interaction occurs, I recommend checking in with yourself: ‘What capacity do I have today? What am I not available for today?’” Opland says. “Go in with an exit strategy—a time limit, a reset word, or a post-visit ritual—and use grounding tools like breathwork to stay anchored in the present rather than the past.”

6 keys to maintaining boundaries

Creating and enforcing boundaries is hard enough, but the hardest part is keeping them up when they’re challenged. Families can be pushy, especially if they’re used to violating boundaries. To help you remain steadfast in protecting yourself, here are six strategies.

1. Know your emotional triggers before you walk in the door.

Before going to see your family, think about how your mood is typically affected and what triggers are usually present. Having conscious awareness of emotional triggers helps with coping and emotional regulation.

Write down the two or three comments that typically set you off. When your mom asks “Why aren’t you making more money?” you won’t be caught off-guard. Instead, you’ll think “Oh, there it is” and use whatever tool or phrase you decided on to deal with it.

Ben practiced this before his visit. He wrote down: “Why don’t you have more children?” and “Why did you marry outside your culture?” When his parents asked these exact questions, he was ready. Instead of shrinking, he calmly said, “We’ve talked about this before. I’m not discussing it again,” and changed the subject.

By anticipating what will affect you most, you’ll feel less off-balance and more in control.

2. Practice the “adult observer” technique.

Try to stay big—remaining your confident adult self while in your family’s presence. See your parents through your adult eyes, the way you would see a co-worker or friend—with empathy, but without needing their approval.

This is easier said than done. When you feel yourself shrinking, plant your feet on the ground and take three slow breaths. Remind yourself that you’re qualified and in charge of your own life: “I’m 35 years old. I pay my own bills. I’m not asking for permission.”

This mental reset helps you access your adult self rather than your child self.

3. Name and validate your emotions in real-time.

Naming and validating your emotions reduces their intensity, allowing you to feel secure in your feelings and remain confident in your boundaries.

When criticism hits, pause and name the feeling silently to yourself: “That comment made me feel ashamed.” Then ask: “What’s the deeper emotion under this shame?” It might be sadness about wanting acceptance you’ve never received, or anger at being judged. Maybe both.

By being mindful of emotions as you feel them, you can identify them before they get pushed down and validate them in the moment. Whatever you feel, try to name it and validate it. Because burying emotions doesn’t make them go away.

4. Respond to criticism without defending or attacking.

It’s OK to feel angry or frustrated, but yelling or fighting about it will do more harm than good. Getting loudly defensive or lashing out can escalate the interaction.

When confronted with criticism or jabs, here are some subtle ways to shut down the conversation:

• “I hear you feel strongly about this. We’ve made the choice that works for us.” [Then change subject]
• “That sounds harsh. I wish you wouldn’t say things like that.” [Said calmly, then walk away if needed]
• “I know you care about me, but comments like that don’t feel supportive.”

Even though you’re responding calmly, you can still be firm. You’re not asking for approval, you’re stating a boundary. If it can’t be respected, take whatever measures will make you feel safe, whether that’s changing the subject or leaving entirely.

5. Create an exit plan with your partner (or a friend)

It’s helpful to have backup. If you have someone you trust at the event, establish a pre-agreed signal for when you need to leave. When one of you gives it, the other says “We should get going” with no questions asked.

They can also help you enforce other boundaries, like standing up for your partner or kids if they’re criticized: “We want to be here and have a nice time. If you can’t be nice, we’ll have to go.”

Having a team allows you to split the emotional weight of keeping your boundaries, which can take a serious load off, especially when you’re already triggered or hyperaware.

6. Give yourself permission to skip it entirely.

There’s a difference between difficult behavior and behavior that’s unsafe. When family is toxic to your health and well-being—violent or abusive—give yourself permission to NOT spend the holidays with your family until they get help.

It’s a hard decision to make, but there is no shame in protecting yourself. You can spend the holidays in an environment that is safe and welcoming: with friends, with your chosen family, or just enjoying your own company.

You don’t have to earn the right to protect your well-being. The right to safety and autonomy is yours now and always.

What to do after the visit

What you do after you visit is just as important as what happens before. Set aside time to decompress and process everything that happened. Some great ways to do that:

• Debrief with your partner or a trusted friend. They can give you perspective, validate what you feel, and simply give you space to talk through everything.
• Validate what you’re feeling without ruminating. Identify how you feel, tell yourself it’s OK to feel that way, accept the feeling, then let it go. Fixating on their behavior will only drain your energy.
• Notice what worked and what didn’t for next time. Think about what protective strategies were effective and which may have been too complicated or not firm enough. That way, you’ll be ready for the next visit.
• Practice self-compassion if you didn’t handle everything perfectly. Setting boundaries and maintaining them is always a work in progress. It’s not going to go well every time, and sometimes you might cave on one or two. What matters is learning from that experience and doing better next time.
• Consider talking to a therapist. It can be difficult to sort through emotions and come up with solutions on your own. A mental health professional can help you identify what you’re feeling and give you personalized strategies for dealing with your challenges.

Family is important, but it shouldn’t take priority over your own emotional or physical safety. Finding ways to protect yourself and make family interactions more manageable will help you overcome your shame, frustration, and overwhelm, allowing you to feel confident, secure, and safe—both in your daily life and around your family.

(Patient details have been changed to protect confidentiality.)