How do you define love? Your answer is probably different from anyone else we ask. Someone might say “my child laughing” or “joking banter with my partner” or “coffee and sunrises”. We all experience love in a different way, but it’s all essential for our existence and health. Relationships are the fuel that fosters fulfillment and growth.
But what happens when love takes a turn to the dark side? What if a nurturing, healthy relationship turns into the destructive need to be needed?
Codependency is more common and more destructive than many people think. It is a confusing and painful experience that can twist up from down and wrong from right. People in a codependent relationship love and care like no other. They’re usually selfless, nurturing, and kind. But it’s all taken a notch too far, all driven by this psychopathological need to be needed. Selflessness becomes a complete denial of personal needs and nurturing pushes personal growth out of the question. Codependent relationships aren’t cute or loyal, they’re dangerous to both members of the relationships.
Codependent relationships are also addictive and comforting. They can be a stable backdrop against a possibly chaotic world. When you’re up close to it, it can be hard to see the toxicity, and even harder to identify steps to fix it. That’s what the counselors at Thriveworks Pooler are here for. We will walk with you every step of the way.
What Is Codependency?
This is a tricky question because codependency will look different in every situation. There are a few guidelines though. Codependency doesn’t have to be in a romantic relationship. Bonds between parent and child or friends are frequently subjected to codependency as well.
The underlying factor of codependency is that one member will have the need to be needed. They might find such satisfaction and fulfillment in serving others that it becomes an addiction. Again, this is inherently not a bad thing! The problem is it is impossible to pour from an empty cup. But codependency will drive people to do just that, until it is wears them down.
Both members feel the effects of this cycle. For one member, basic needs are being pushed aside and mental or physical side effects might surface. For the other, they don’t get the chance to learn how to take care of themselves and grow.
For example, picture a codependent father-daughter relationship. The daughter tries college but finds it’s not for her, so she moves back home. The father opens his arms wide and welcomes his daughter back home to help her back on her feet. But the care continues and continues, pushing the daughter into the safe, steady comfort of her home and never pushing her to grow her own life.
There’s nothing wrong with helping a loved one. There’s nothing wrong with living at home or being kind. The red flag in this situation was that there was no growth. And maybe that’s what is needed at the time- rest is just as important as work. But what if it’s prolonged? What if the father starts to develop anxiety and loses a lot of weight? These are more flags that point towards a positive experience turning codependent.
What Are the Signs of Codependency?
As always, the first step is acknowledging there’s a problem. As usual, this is the hardest part. It takes a lot of courage and insight to look at your relationships and realize it is damaging. Thriveworks Pooler thanks you for the work you’ve put in to come this far, and we will do what we can to help you on your forward momentum.
A few signs that might point towards a codependent relationship include:
- Fear of being abandoned or left alone.
- A need for approval and praise.
- Always giving to your relationship, even when it costs your personal comfort or health.
- Feeling desperate to hold onto a relationship and doing anything to keep it.
- Taking responsibility for other’s actions.
- Difficulty making decisions in your own life
- Trouble identifying personal feelings or communicating personal needs.
- Doubt in your ability to build the life you want and be the person you want to be
- Anxiety about someone else’s health.
- Difficulty saying “no” to a request.
You aren’t alone in struggling with codependent tendencies. Thriveworks Pooler Codependency Counselors have years of experience in walking with people as we overcome the challenges of codependency and build a life you deserve- one full of health and growth.
How Can Thriveworks Pooler Help?
Thriveworks Pooler Codependent Counseling always creates individualizes, flexible care that is molded to who you are and the life you want to live. You and your situation are entirely unique, and so should a counseling session! While we are excited to work on an individual level with you, we do have a few tools that have worked well with past clients, and we think they might work well with you too.
Together, we can learn how to:
- Acknowledge and accept personal thoughts and feelings for what they are without judgment.
- Take a step back in relationships and say no or let someone try and fail on their own
- Make your financial, physical, and mental needs a priority.
- Find the value in your true self, more than what you can give to others.
- Communicate your needs better.
Your true self, unattached to the needs of others, is powerful. It can be a hard and painful experience to detach yourself from codependent relationships, but it doesn’t mean the end of that relationship! It means shifting it to a happier, healthier one. Thriveworks Pooler is here to walk with you to freedom and self-sustainability.
