Inner child healing: How to care for the hurt parts of you

What Is Inner Child Healing?

Inner child healing is the process of acknowledging how childhood experiences affect your adult emotional reactions and relationships, then learning to nurture and “reparent” this part of yourself.

The concept isn’t new: Experts have recognized the “inner child” since the 1960s, when psychologist Carl Jung used the term in his descriptions of archetypes that shape the collective unconscious, or the deepest and least accessible parts of our minds.

Johnson prefers to use the term “inner children” because she often finds that there can be several versions of ourselves that are “trapped or frozen” in the pain or trauma of a memory, depending on when it happened.

“What happens to you at five and what happens to you at 15 can have a different impact based on your brain development and sense of self,” she explains. “What I find is, as people learn about trauma and abuse, they are much more able to identify their wounded inner children and the experiences that impacted them. That’s when the real healing work can begin.”

Signs Your Inner Child May Need Healing

A wounded inner child shows up most during challenging or vulnerable moments, whether you’re arguing with a partner or having a stressful work week.

Johnson and Dumler agree it can be difficult to recognize the signs your inner child needs healing, especially if you didn’t experience a major trauma, such as physical abuse. We tend to dismiss experiences like witnessing your parents’ divorce or financial strains, but they can also leave psychological scars. “Any inner child wound can come from any childhood experience, any adult in your life, and any community that you’re living in or surrounded by,” Dumler says.

While the signs vary widely and depend on your own childhood experiences, Johnson and Dumler say the behaviors below are worth paying attention to. Here’s what to look out for and how each can manifest:

You randomly blow up: You didn’t have a consistent, reliable safe space to release negative emotions (possibly due to gender norms or your cultural background), so you bottle them up until you explode.

You’re a people pleaser with a harsh inner critic: Your parent or guardian consistently criticized your efforts in school, your body, or your achievements compared to other kids’.

You fear abandonment: Maybe your dad moved out of your home after your parents’ divorce and then never maintained a relationship with you.

You easily feel neglected or rejected: Perhaps you’re a middle child who never felt as respected as the oldest or as cherished as the youngest.

You have a hard time trusting yourself or others: A close friend you trusted and opened up to during adolescence might’ve betrayed you.

You avoid conflict: You subconsciously learned to do this because your parents or siblings always screamed at you during heated disagreements.

You have low self-esteem or self-worth: Any of the situations above can affect how you view your identity and place in the world.

You have signs of PTSD: Childhood trauma still sets off recurring dreams or memories, physically and mentally distressing flashbacks, and avoidance of thoughts or feelings related to the event, among other symptoms.

How to Start Healing Your Inner Child

It’s possible to start healing your inner child on your own, especially if you’re already tapped into your emotions and behaviors and have a solid community to lean on, Dumler says. But if your hidden wounds run deep or you need help pinpointing what parts of your childhood stir up strong emotions for you, then you’ll benefit from working with a therapist.

Regardless of the route you choose, the process will probably feel awkward, uncomfortable, or downright messy (emotionally speaking), Johnson says. It’s also more intuitive than you may think, she says. Here’s what to consider as you dive in:

1. Acknowledge that your childhood impacted you.

Inner child healing is centered on the idea of “reparenting,” or giving yourself the care and support that your little self didn’t receive. If you can acknowledge (either to yourself or another person) that your childhood impacted you more than you realized and you want to feel better, “you’re already reparenting,” Johnson says. “In validating yourself, when you probably weren’t validated as a child, you’ve broken the cycle.”

2. Be curious (and compassionate) about big feelings that come up.

Pay close attention to your emotional reactions. When you’re feeling neglected by your partner, angry after your boss’s feedback, or rejected by a friend, sit with it while taking a few deep breaths. Think: “When have I felt this in the past? Who made me feel this way or taught me to react this way? Where is this feeling coming from?” Dumler says.

Notice how you feel physically: Is your chest getting tight, or do you sweat a bit when you recall a memory or think about a certain person? “Take a minute to breathe into that physical sensation,” Dumler says. “Do something that relaxes you. Then, try to pull in what you think would have helped ‘little you’ in that past. What would ‘little me’ have wanted an adult to tell me or do for me?”

For example, if you’re feeling rejected by a friend because you experienced something similar in your childhood, maybe you would have wanted someone to hug you and tell you that you’re going to have incredible friendships throughout your life. Then do that: Hug yourself (yes, really) and tell yourself that you’ll have great friendships.

This type of self-compassion is the basis of reparenting. You build awareness around what upsets your inner child, give your inner child grace and reassurance, and let your adult self take over.

3. Write or talk to your little self.

Pick one of your inner children—say, the forgotten middle child or the angsty teen—and write them a letter. “The tactile work of writing something out helps your brain process it, but you could also talk out loud to yourself because your brain believes what it hears,” Johnson says.

This could be as simple as writing or saying, “I’m sorry they didn’t see you. I see you now.” Johnson says this is a vulnerable practice; you may only get a couple of sentences in before feeling overwhelmed. That’s normal. Do what feels natural and right to you.

4. Reframe a childhood memory.

Visualization exercises can also be impactful, Johnson says. Her favorite is “play the movie.” You recall a memory from your childhood, choose a moment to yell “cut!”, and then insert yourself as an adult and yell “action!”

Where you choose to go from there is entirely up to you, Johnson says: “Some people insert themselves and confront a parent; they stand up for and advocate for their wounded inner child. Others completely ignore the parent and go straight for the kid; they see themselves holding them and telling them it’s not their fault.”

You’re leading the way, which is empowering, Johnson says. Watching what happened to little you as an adult also encourages you to be gentler: “If we do nothing but increase self-compassion, we’re going to see change,” Johnson says.

5. Embrace your playful side.

When parts of your childhood are driven by surviving and not thriving, you don’t get a fair shot at developing your sense of self, which is crucial to your mental well-being, Johnson says: “It’s why there are so many adults who don’t know who they are, don’t know what they like or don’t like, and don’t have hobbies.”

A lot of people feel like their inner children are stuck at a certain age—but in the process of healing, they get to think about what that time should’ve looked like: Did you want to dance? Paint? Wear sparkly clothes or listen to rock music? Have a slumber party, bake cookies, and watch a rom-com? Now’s your time to have some fun: “That’s healing magic in and of itself,” Johnson says.

How Inner Child Healing Looks in Therapy

“If you’re trying to do the work on your own and feeling stuck or having a lot of big emotional reactions and feel worse, having a therapist help you contain and address that is going to be really beneficial long term,” Dumler says. Ditto if you’re emotional responses are affecting your daily functioning at home or work.

Johnson adds that some people have “never had a safe person” to explore painful memories with. “Therapists are there to support, create a safe place, and guide.”

Any trauma-oriented therapy, like somatic experiencing and EMDR, can aid in inner child healing (so long as a licensed professional guides you through it). But if you’ve never worked with a mental health professional before, Dumler and Johnson agree that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a great entry point. (Look for a trauma-informed CBT provider, as they’ll be knowledgeable about inner child work.)

Dumler says childhood wounds usually come up organically during her sessions. When she’s speaking with a client about something they’re struggling with, she’ll look for shifts in their body language or other cues of rising emotions. If she’s surprised by a reaction to an event they’ve shared, she’ll ask them to explore that by closing their eyes, checking in with how their body feels, and asking them when they’ve felt this way before.

Once they share more, Dumler asks them to picture that moment—what age they were or what version of themselves they’re seeing. “That usually helps us start to identify where in their childhood this came up,” she says. “I’m never leading them, just asking with curiosity, ‘Do you remember what happened then or what you were feeling? What adult was there, and how did they react?”

From there, she may adjust the session based on whether the client is more open to techniques rooted in conversation or visualization, and then she may give them meditations, affirmations, or other coping skills (similar to the exercises above) to practice until they meet again—a therapist’s version of homework.

How to Tell if Inner Child Healing Is Working

You’ll know you’re making progress when you start identifying—and addressing—your inner child’s responses on your own and in the moment. The healing process is often subtle and gradual, but there are clear signs that indicate you’re moving in the right direction:

• Less intense emotional triggers. Situations that used to send you into a spiral might still feel uncomfortable, but you can navigate them without completely losing your center.
• Feeling more playful or open. You might find yourself laughing more easily, being silly without self-consciousness, or rediscovering interests you’d forgotten about.
• Setting healthier boundaries. You’re able to say no without excessive guilt or stand up for yourself in ways that felt impossible before.
• Increased self-compassion. That harsh inner critic starts to quiet down, replaced by a gentler, more understanding voice.

But the biggest thing you should feel is relief, Johnson says. “The pain isn’t as sharp, the heaviness isn’t as heavy. There’s a glimmer of hope,” she says. “Relief is different for everybody, but it’s a sign that you’re healing.”

The Bottom Line

Inner child healing is like driving a bus: Adult you is behind the wheel, and your inner children are the passengers, Dumler says. If you let the kids take over and do what they want, you’re probably going to crash; if you leave them on the side of the road, you’ll put them in harm’s way. So here’s your goal: “Connect with and address the kids on the bus, but stay in charge and get everyone to their destination safely,” Dumler says

If you’re ready to explore inner child healing further, Thriveworks therapists are here to provide the safe, supportive space you need to do this important work.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does inner child healing take?

Inner child healing timelines vary depending on the individual and the severity of their childhood wounds, Dumler says. In cognitive behavioral therapy, you can expect to see progress in five to 12 sessions. With consistent effort, people typically get through the initial phase of reparenting within one year.

Can you do inner child healing on your own?

Yes, you can do inner child healing on your own. You can practice the basics of reparenting on your own and make significant progress in healing your inner child. Sometimes therapy is needed if you are overwhelmed, confused by, or minimizing the impact of your childhood experiences. “Sometimes we can’t get there on our own, and it helps to work with a professional who understands trauma,” Johnson says.

Is inner child healing the same as therapy for childhood trauma?

No, inner child healing is not the same as therapy for childhood trauma, though they often overlap. Reparenting is a therapeutic technique, but it is not a stand-alone modality. Therapy for childhood trauma can involve various modalities like CBT, EMDR, or cognitive processing therapy. Your therapist’s approach ultimately depends on your individual needs. “Doing any sort of reparenting and inner child work is trauma therapy,” Johnson says. “But not all childhood trauma therapy involves reparenting and inner child work.”