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The barista forgets the almond milk and it feels like a personal attack. Your partner chews too loudly and you immediately want to leave the room. These flashes of irritation aren’t like you, but lately, they’re constant.
This often comes down to hormonal changes from a life transition no one really prepares us for. And this irritation frequently lands on partners: Nearly one in four people going through menopause, and an even higher percentage of their partners, say it strains their relationship.
If you’re wondering what’s wrong with you (or your relationship), the answer is nothing, exactly. But the way your brain regulates emotions does change during menopause, and understanding why can help you manage it.
Some couples say the tools they develop during this time actually make their relationship stronger. “Menopause is a profound transition that impacts identity, relationships, and emotional health,” says Anat Joseph, LCSW, a therapist in New York and New Jersey who specializes in relationship challenges. “With the right support, it can be navigated in a way that fosters growth and deeper connection.”
Here, we break down what’s really happening, and what you can do about it.
Key takeaways
- Menopause anger is biological, not personal. Declining estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and DHEA directly affect how your brain regulates emotion.
- Snapping at your partner often means you feel safe with them. You’re more likely to let your guard down with someone you trust.
- Partners don’t need to become hormone experts. But learning the basics, splitting the mental load more evenly, and listening to understand (not fix) can make a real difference.
- Hormone therapy can help. If mood changes are significantly affecting your life or relationships, HRT is a proven option worth discussing with a doctor.
Why menopause can make you feel so angry
Menopause anger isn’t all in your head. It’s rooted in measurable hormonal shifts that directly affect how your brain regulates emotion. During the menopausal transition (the two to eight years leading up to when your period stops for good), production of several key hormones decreases significantly.
“Menopause sees a complete depletion in the major sex steroid hormones: progesterone, DHEA, estrogen, and testosterone,” says Kristin Mallon, CNM, co-founder and medical advisor for Femgevity.
Here’s what happens to each of these hormones during menopause and how those changes affect your mood:
Estrogen
As ovarian function declines, estrogen production drops significantly. This matters for mood because estrogen helps regulate oxytocin, a hormone that promotes feelings of calm and connection.
Lower estrogen means lower oxytocin—and that gives your amygdala (your brain’s fear-response center) more control over your nervous system. The result: feelings of anxiety, depression, and irritation can surface more easily and intensely than before.
Progesterone
Progesterone is produced primarily by the ovaries after ovulation. As ovulation becomes irregular and eventually stops during menopause, progesterone levels decline. This affects mood because progesterone helps produce GABA, a neurotransmitter that calms your nervous system. When progesterone drops, GABA can too. “That means a shorter fuse,” Mallon explains, “and it’s often pointed at the people we feel safest with.”
Testosterone
Testosterone (yes, people with ovaries produce it too) is made by both the ovaries and adrenal glands. Production gradually declines starting in your 30s and continues through menopause. Since testosterone is linked to dopamine production (a neurotransmitter that regulates mood and motivation), this decline can make mood regulation harder.
DHEA
DHEA is a precursor hormone produced by the adrenal glands that your body converts into estrogen and testosterone. Its production peaks in your 20s and steadily declines with age, dropping more noticeably during menopause. Lower DHEA means less raw material for other mood-regulating hormones, which can increase the risk of depressive symptoms.
Is it normal to resent your husband during menopause?
Yes, and it often means your relationship is strong.
Feeling safe enough to let your guard down with someone means you’re also more likely to snap at them. “We feel safest with our partners, and this is where we can most easily break down,” Mallon explains. You snap at your partner because you feel comfortable around them, which is actually a key ingredient for a healthy relationship.
The flip side: These emotional shifts can strain even solid relationships if they go unaddressed. “With the closeness comes the illusion that a person will endlessly tolerate us, and it feels like a safe outlet for our volatile emotions during menopause,” Mallon adds. For some, it’s the opposite: snapping is followed by a wave of guilt or fear that you’re pushing your partner away.
Some people also report other reasons for resentment during this time: feeling misunderstood, watching their partner seem less impacted by age-related changes, or sensing that their partner buys into societal stigma about menopause rather than truly understanding what’s happening.
How to manage menopause-related anger
Here’s what therapists recommend:
1. Identify your triggers.
There’s usually a trigger behind anger: your partner running late, a dismissive comment, an uneven mental load. Tracking these in a mood journal helps you spot patterns and respond differently over time.
Joseph recommends noting triggers as soon as they happen, whether that’s a quick entry in your phone’s Notes app or a dedicated journaling session. Over time, you’ll start to see what sets you off, and you can work on either avoiding those triggers or changing how you respond.
2. Use “I” statements to avoid blame.
How you express your feelings matters. “Phrases like, ‘I’m noticing my emotions feel more intense right now, and I need your patience,’ or ‘When I seem irritable, what helps most is when you stay calm and supportive,’ are clear and constructive,” Joseph says. “Avoiding blame-based language, such as ‘You never understand me,’ makes it easier for partners to respond without defensiveness.”
Flip any “you” statement into an “I” statement. If you’re annoyed that your partner keeps leaving the fridge door open, “It makes me angry when you leave the fridge door open” becomes “When the fridge door is left open, I feel frustrated, like I have one more thing to manage because I’m usually the one who closes it.”
3. Don’t overlook lifestyle basics.
Like so many things in life, regulating our emotions often comes down to the basics, Joseph says. “Practical adjustments like regulating sleep, maintaining balanced blood sugar through regular meals, and reducing stimulants such as caffeine and alcohol also help stabilize mood.”
You don’t need to overhaul your entire life. Small, sustainable changes can make a difference. Consider starting with one or two:
- Swap one caffeinated drink for a calming, decaf tea
- Walk for 10 minutes after dinner
- Add at least one vegetable to each meal
- Stop using screens 30 minutes before bed
- Bring a protein-rich snack (like nuts or Greek yogurt) to work
- Invest in a cooler, darker sleep environment
4. Have a go-to outlet for anger.
When anger hits hard, having a go-to outlet keeps it from landing on your partner. This could be a brisk walk around the block, lifting weights, journaling, or channeling the feeling into an art project or home task. The key is deciding on your outlet before you need it, so you have somewhere for that energy to go.
5. Consider hormone therapy.
Hormone therapy sometimes gets a bad reputation, but research shows it’s a safe, effective option for reducing menopause symptoms and improving quality of life.
“The biggest problem with menopause comes from the horrible misconception that estrogen replacement or hormone replacement therapy is bad or harmful when in fact it has the opposite effect,” Mallon says. If you think HRT might help, a good next step is making an appointment with a gynecologist. They can help you determine if it’s the right option and recommend alternatives based on your situation.
RELATED: The complete guide to perimenopause mental health—and how to get relief
What your partner can do to help
Your partner doesn’t need to become a hormone expert. But a few specific shifts can make a real difference.
1. Learn about what’s happening.
A 2023 study found that most people going through menopause have limited knowledge about it beforehand. So it’s no surprise that partners often don’t fully understand what their loved one is experiencing.
Partners can close this gap by reading up on specific symptoms (like this article) or browsing the Office on Women’s Health’s menopause resources. Even a basic understanding of the biology can shift how a partner interprets mood changes.
2. Split the invisible work.
Between caregiving, chores, work, and managing symptoms, many people in menopause struggle to find time for themselves or to engage socially. Partners can help by ensuring household and family duties are genuinely split.
This might look like cooking dinner a few more nights per week, fully owning a specific chore (like laundry or cleaning the bathroom), or taking point on scheduling and logistics for the kids. If you’re not sure where to start, sit down together and audit who does what—and what can be delegated.
3. Lean into the small gestures.
Improving a relationship doesn’t require grand gestures or expensive date nights. “Small gestures like checking in regularly, offering physical comfort, or helping manage daily stressors can be incredibly grounding,” Joseph says.
Think: a text checking in during a hard day. Making coffee without being asked. Noticing when your partner is overwhelmed and stepping in before they have to ask. These small moments add up.
4. Protect time for each other.
In midlife, schedules are often packed with kids’ activities, aging parents, and work demands. Quality time with a partner often ends up at the bottom of the list.
When possible, protect time to connect, even if it’s a 10-minute check-in after the kids go to bed or a quick coffee before an appointment. Keep it focused on each other, not schedules, to-do lists, or who’s handling what. It doesn’t have to be elaborate to matter.
5. Listen to understand, not to fix.
“Partners play a vital role in reducing the sense of isolation that menopause often brings. Emotional validation is key,” Joseph says. “Rather than dismissing or minimizing symptoms, partners should listen with empathy and acknowledge the challenges.”
Active listening means listening to understand, not to respond. That includes:
- Asking questions that help your partner explore their feelings
- Paraphrasing with phrases like “It sounds like…” or “What I’m hearing is…”
- Expressing empathy for what they’re going through
- Avoiding distractions (put the phone down, turn off the TV)
- Not giving advice unless your partner asks for it
What's NOT helpful
A partner’s perception of and attitude toward menopause can actually influence symptom severity. Certain responses—even well-intentioned ones—can make things worse:
- “You’re being irrational” dismisses what’s happening biologically. The emotional response is rooted in real hormonal changes.
- “Just try to relax” minimizes the effort already being put in. If relaxing were that simple, it would already be happening.
- “Is it that time again?” turns a health transition into a punchline. It signals that you’re not taking it seriously.
- Trying to “fix” instead of listening can feel dismissive, even when it comes from a place of care. Sometimes what’s needed is acknowledgment, not a solution.
If your partner does any of the above, try this framing: “When you say [specific phrase or action], I feel [how it makes you feel]. Could we try [alternative approach] instead?”
For example: “When you tell me to relax, I feel like you’re not taking this seriously. It would help more if you just acknowledged that this is hard.”
When to seek therapy
Therapy is helpful at any stage, but it becomes essential if anger is harming your relationship or how you see yourself.
“If anger or mood changes begin to disrupt relationships, work, or self-esteem, or if conflicts with a partner feel unmanageable, it may be time to seek therapy,” Joseph explains. “Menopause-informed individual or couples therapy provides both education about the biological aspects of this transition and tools to strengthen communication and coping. Therapy can also help normalize the experience, which reduces shame and helps both partners approach it as a shared challenge rather than an individual problem.”
The bottom line
Menopause is a biological transition that can bring real emotional challenges for you and your partner. Understanding what’s happening in your body, communicating openly, and building new tools together can actually strengthen your connection.
