I don’t like my therapist: How and when to switch providers

How to tell if it's the process or the fit

Sometimes, it’s obvious your issue is with the provider—they lack the expertise you want, seem dismissive of your concerns, or are straight up unprofessional. But other times, it can be hard to tell the difference between not liking a therapist and not liking the process of therapy. After all, it can be tough to get vulnerable and dig into painful, complicated, or long-buried stuff with someone you barely know.

“The beginning of therapy can be a cleansing process, and it’s usually going to be a bit uncomfortable at first,” says Nona Kelly, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Thriveworks. She likens it to meeting with a trainer at the gym: If you haven’t worked these muscles in awhile, or ever, you might be a little sore after the first few sessions.

So when it comes to discerning between a therapist who isn’t right for you and a process that’s genuinely a little uncomfortable at times, both experts we talked to agreed that the most important clue is whether you’re seeing progress.

“Your therapist might not be someone you’d want to hang out with or befriend, but they can still teach you skills and help you grow,” says Alexandra Cromer, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks.

Here are some questions that can help you gauge whether this is an effective provider for you and your goals:

• Have I noticed tangible growth or change outside of session?
• Do my symptoms or areas of my life feel more manageable or less overwhelming?
• Do I feel comfortable being honest in session?
• Are we clear on my goals, and does our work together seem to be moving me toward them?
• Do I leave sessions feeling relieved, supported, or better equipped, even when the work is hard?

While progress in therapy obviously takes time, if the answer to most of those questions is no, it may be a sign that the issue is the fit rather than the difficulty of therapy itself. If something is getting in the way of an effective therapeutic relationship, remember that you can always find another provider.

5 valid reasons to break up with your therapist

You can stop seeing a therapist for any reason at any time, full stop. It’s not a binding relationship, short of any cancellation or no-show fees you might be on the hook for. Still, it’s worth being intentional about the decision. Understanding what didn’t work this time around can help you on your next search, Cromer says, whether that means looking for a different specialty, personality type, or style.

Here are a few signs that another provider might better suit your needs:

1. They acted unprofessionally

No matter their background or approach, therapists are expected to maintain basic standards around ethics and quality of care, explains Cromer. In an ideal world, every therapist you encounter would meet those expectations consistently—but like in any profession, some fall short.

Cromer and Kelly recommend keeping an eye out for the following therapist red flags:

• Inappropriate self-disclosure: Do they make sessions about them? Do you know about their relationships, politics, problems, or personal life without having asked? Do you have to steer the conversation back to yourself?
• Poor boundaries: Do they treat you more like a friend than a client? Do they contact you in ways that feel too casual or personal? Did they violate your privacy by greeting you in public?
• Unreliable scheduling or communication: Do they frequently show up late, cancel at the last minute, or fail to show up? Do they leave you unclear on policies around billing, rescheduling, emergencies, or how to reach them between sessions?
• Lack of attention or follow-through: Do they seem distracted during your time together? Do they forget major details from one appointment to the next? Do they fail to hold you accountable to your homework or goals?
• Dismissive, biased, or harmful treatment: Do they minimize your concerns, push their own values, or make assumptions about your identity, culture, relationships, or experiences? Do you leave feeling judged, shamed, pressured, or unsafe?

2. Their approach doesn’t work for you

Sometimes you only learn through trial and error what kind of therapy you want, Cromer explains. We all benefit from some modalities more than others, and certain concerns may call for a more specific type of treatment. For example, maybe you tried cognitive behavioral therapy but want something less skills-focused so you can slow down and unpack your early experiences; or maybe talk therapy isn’t cutting it for your trauma symptoms, and you want to seek out someone trained in EMDR.

Communication style plays a part here, too, Kelly notes. Some people do best with a direct therapist who challenges them; others need more room to talk things through. Or maybe you need someone who helps you circle back when you go off track or guides you when you’re feeling stuck. Personal chemistry can matter as well, Cromer adds—a therapist’s personality, sense of humor, and emotional intelligence all impact your experience in session.

3. They don’t seem equipped to help with what you’re bringing in

It’s one thing if a therapist’s approach isn’t your cup of tea; it’s another if they lack the training, background, or confidence to address the specific issues you want support with. Kelly says that might look like sidestepping topics when you bring them up, seeming unfamiliar with your diagnosis or lived experience, or offering the same broad, surface-level guidance no matter how specific you get.

A therapist doesn’t have to be the perfect person for every concern you have—but they should be honest about their limits, Kelly explains. If a provider isn’t comfortable or qualified to go where you want to go, a good one will be happy to help refer you to someone who’s better equipped.

4. They’re not collaborative

An effective provider will make sure to set goals with you and check in about what’s helping, what isn’t, and what you want to focus on. Therapists should be ready and willing to adjust the treatment plan, Comer says, because not everyone learns the same way, responds to the same exercises, or needs the exact same kind of support. So if your sessions feel aimless, impersonal, or you’ve given feedback that’s gone unaddressed, that may be a sign to move on.

5. The vibes are simply off

According to both Cromer and Kelly, comfort with your therapist goes a long way—not because therapy should always be easy, but because many people need a baseline connection before they can be honest, vulnerable, and receptive to change.

Whether sessions with a certain provider are awkward, strained, or outright upsetting, that interpersonal discomfort can get in the way of doing meaningful work. Sometimes there isn’t one specific issue or red flag; you just don’t mesh with the person across from you, and that can be reason enough to look elsewhere.

How to actually break up with your therapist

Remember, ending things with your therapist isn’t like an actual breakup. As mental health professionals, their priority is to ensure you get the best care possible, so you don’t need to worry about offending them if it’s not the right fit.

How you choose to end things is really up to you. There are no hard and fast rules (though it’s worth considering if your provider has any cancellation or no-show fees). It really just depends on your reason for ending things, your comfort level in communicating that reason, and whether or not you’d like to leave the door open to get resources or pick it back up in the future.

You have a few options:

• Telling them during your typical session: This can be definitive (“This/next week will be my last session”) or exploratory (“I’m thinking about moving on”). It can even be mid-session in the face of an egregious red flag. “You don’t have to see the whole session through—you can walk out at any point,” says Kelly.
• Communicating between sessions: You could let them know in an email, portal message, text, or call—whatever method you’d normally use to communicate between appointments.
• Just not showing up again: You can also bypass communication with your therapist completely. Depending on the practice, that might mean canceling any future sessions through the portal or front desk, or simply declining to book another appointment. Some places, like Thriveworks, allow you to switch providers anytime, no questions asked.

If you do decide to communicate your decision, you can be as broad or as specific as you want, Cromer says. While therapists often appreciate the feedback—yes, even if it’s unflattering, like you felt judged or patronized—you don’t necessarily have to disclose why you’re moving on. “You can just say, ‘I’ve noticed this hasn’t been working for me and I’m not seeing progress, so I’d like to explore other options,’” says Cromer.

Some people prefer to skip the conversation because they dislike confrontation or want to avoid any awkwardness. You always have that right, Cromer says. That said, a final session can be useful for some. It gives you a chance to ask for referrals and other resources, discuss next steps, and leave with a clearer sense of what you’re looking for in your next provider. It can even be a good opportunity to see if your therapist responds to feedback in a way that makes you want to stick around. “A good therapist can say, ‘Tell me what isn’t working for you, and I can either adjust or help you find a better fit,’” Cromer says.

However, if a therapist has acted unprofessionally or made you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, remember that there is no obligation to explain why you’re leaving.

How to find a better fit next time

It can be disappointing to realize that your therapist isn’t the right fit for you. After spending time, money, and energy on your therapy journey, it’s frustrating to feel like you’re starting back at square one. But the upside is you probably learned a few things from this experience. Start there, Cromer and Kelly recommend, noting any preferences or dealbreakers you might have discovered. Do you want a therapist who’s more blunt? An approach that’s more structured or skills-based? Someone older or younger or a different gender?

Once you have a better idea of what you’re looking for, screen potential providers by asking plenty of questions, preferably during an initial consultation call. Therapists are usually happy to discuss their qualifications and approach. Do they have experience treating your specific concern? How would they respond if a client wasn’t feeling understood or seeing progress?

That conversation can also involve bringing in your previous experience. Kelly says many therapists will ask directly whether you’ve been in therapy before, what worked, and what didn’t. But if they don’t, feel free to volunteer the information yourself with something like, “I didn’t connect with my last therapist for this reason—does it sound like you’d be a better fit?”

Last but not least, it doesn’t hurt to remember that you’re allowed to circle back to a previous therapist, even after you ended the sessions. An approach that feels wrong now may become relevant later, or your search may leave you with a new appreciation for what your last provider brought to the table.

“Ending things doesn’t have to be final,” Cromer says. “If you leave on good terms and decide I’m the right fit after all, my door is always open.”

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

Is it normal to feel worse in therapy before you feel better?

Yes, to an extent. Therapy often involves talking through tough challenges, painful memories, difficult emotions, or parts of yourself you may avoid, so it’s common to leave certain sessions feeling drained, emotional, or worse for the wear. But therapy shouldn’t be outright miserable or more difficult over time. Think of it like the soreness you get after exercising—growth comes with discomfort, but over time you should start to notice signs of progress, support, and relief alongside the hard work.

How long should you give a new therapist before deciding it’s not a good fit?

There isn’t an exact number of sessions. Some therapists say you’ll probably know within the first few appointments if someone is a poor fit, while others encourage giving it a month or two to be sure. However, you’re always welcome to end a therapeutic relationship sooner than that, especially if a provider is unprofessional, such as making sessions about themselves, crossing boundaries, dismissing your concerns, or making you feel unsafe.

Do I have to tell my therapist I’m leaving, or can I just stop scheduling?

As long as you’re aware of any cancellation or no-show fees at the practice, you can generally stop scheduling without formally announcing your departure. Your therapist or their office may follow up, but you aren’t obligated to respond. That said, a brief conversation or a final session can sometimes be helpful for asking for referrals, sharing feedback, or learning whether certain adjustments could make the relationship work better moving forward.

What are the signs that a therapist is actually a bad fit versus just challenging you?

One of the biggest clues that a therapist is a good fit is whether you’re making progress. Therapy isn’t always comfortable and may involve a therapist challenging you in a way you don’t love. Ask yourself: Are you noticing positive changes outside of session? Do your symptoms feel more manageable? Are you clear on your goals and moving toward them? Do you feel comfortable around them even when the work is hard? If the answer to most of those questions is no, even after you’ve given it some time, it’s possible that your discomfort isn’t about the process—it’s about your therapist.

Can I ask a therapist questions before committing to a first session?

Absolutely. Many therapists offer consultation calls specifically so prospective clients can ask questions, share their initial reasons for seeking therapy, and feel out the provider. This is a great opportunity to ask about their experience, approach, and anything else that might be important to you. The more specific you are about what you’re looking for, the easier it will be to find someone who matches your needs.

What if I’ve switched therapists multiple times and still don’t feel like it’s working?

Finding the right therapist can take some trial and error. That said, if you’ve been through multiple therapists and still can’t find the right fit, it could be worth pausing and digging into the pattern. Sure, it may be a string of bad luck, but some people repeatedly pull away for personal reasons. like difficulty getting vulnerable, unwillingness to face certain issues, or trouble sticking to the work. After some reflection, you might find the obstacle isn’t the individual providers, but the process itself. In that case, maybe you want to pause and explore alternative treatment options, or challenge yourself to explore this pattern with your next therapist.