Can I be in love but not sexually attracted to someone?

Can Physical Attraction Develop Over Time?

Yes, attraction can grow over time—love doesn’t always start with a physical connection. Sure, we hear stories about people being pulled together like magnets when they first meet, unable to keep their hands off each other, but this isn’t the case for every couple. Instead, it can take time to develop this physical attraction, as you get to know each other emotionally first. 

Health and Wellness Expert Caleb Backe explains,“When people speak about the spark or clicking with somebody, they’re not necessarily talking about a physical attraction, but a mental one. Similarly, the way you feel about someone can have nothing to do with their appearance. A classic case of this would be online relationships—nothing says you can’t fall in love with someone’s personality without having any idea what they look like.

“The more you get to know each other on a non-physical level, the more the physical attraction will grow on its own. This is largely due to the fact that you’ll come to appreciate the person beyond their ‘packaging’ and see their essence (aka their personality). That’s why people will often list their top priority in a partner as funny or kind—personality traits, not physical attributes.”

For many people, physical attraction doesn’t always come naturally—it can take time to develop this connection, and it can progress as you get to know each other from the inside out. So, if you aren’t experiencing the level of physical attraction toward your love interest that you would like, hold tight because attraction can grow. 

Is Sexual Attraction Important in a Relationship?

How important sexual attraction is in a relationship depends on the partners involved. For some, sexual attraction takes a backseat to how they feel about their partner emotionally, or may not factor in at all, such as with asexual people. For others, sex is central to how they form connections and that initial physical spark is needed for the relationship to progress further. 

Still, for others, sexual attraction grows over time. Everyone has a right to be in a partnership that aligns with their values, needs, and desires. For that reason, there is nothing wrong with wanting to leave someone due to a lack of physical attraction, and there is also nothing wrong with staying with that person and working toward building a physical connection. Either way, a relationship is not inherently doomed if you are not sexually attracted to your partner. What matters most is whether both partners are willing to work together to strengthen that connection.

Backe says, “While physical attraction plays an important evolutionary role in reproduction, there’s nothing to say that a lack of sexual attraction will negatively impact a relationship,” Backe explains. Additionally, the mental is what matters most: “Mental attraction is a prerequisite for maintaining a lasting, healthy relationship. Someone who is in love with, but not attracted to, an individual should still pursue this love connection as this is the connection that will last.” 

Why Am I Not Attracted to My Partner?

Sometimes, the reason you’re not sexually attracted to your partner can be obvious, like they simply aren’t your usual physical type. You may also simply have asexual or demi-sexual tendencies, meaning you exist on a spectrum where sexual attraction takes more time to develop, or you may not feel it at all. It could also be that your partner has drastically changed over time due to their lifestyle or age. 

But more often than not, there can be emotional factors contributing to the reason you aren’t feeling sexually attracted to your partner. For example, there may be unmet needs in the relationship, and a lack of communication can cause those issues to build over time. Unresolved issues can lead to frustration and anger that can cause partners to view each other in a not-so-shining light. 

Incompatibility can also influence physical attraction. Having differing goals, values, or interests can make it difficult to view someone as attractive, even if they are your type. For example, you may suddenly find someone to be unattractive if they reveal a view that you personally find reprehensible or your partner expresses beliefs that are at odds with your fundamental beliefs. 

There can also be external factors that can cause you to question if you are sexually attracted to your partner. For example, you may be experiencing a high level of stress at work or at home, feeling overtired, or experiencing low self-esteem. All these things can impact a person’s libido and, sometimes, consequently how they view their partner sexually.

Getting to the root of why you are not sexually attracted to your partner can be a good starting point when deciding your next step—moving on from the relationship, working through it, giving it more time for attraction to grow, or something else. 

4 Signs You're Not Sexually Attracted to Your Partner

If you are in love but something feels missing in the relationship, or your connection isn’t quite progressing, it is worth exploring what the central issue could be. One potential reason for a struggling relationship could be a lack of sexual attraction. Here are some signs that may indicate that you’re not sexually attracted to your partner. 

1. You feel emotionally connected yet physically disconnected. It’s possible to have affection without sexual chemistry. For this reason, you might feel close to your partner on an emotional level, but when it comes to physical intimacy, something feels missing. 
2. Your mind wanders during intimate moments. If your thoughts often drift away when you’re engaging in physical intimacy, it may be an indication that you’re not feeling sexually connected or attracted.
3. You avoid physical affection. If you find yourself dodging any form of physical touch, such as holding hands, hugs, or even casual contact, it may be a sign that there’s a lack of sexual attraction.
4. The idea of intimacy feels like an obligation. If you have normally enjoyed intimacy and sex with previous partners, but feel it is an obligation with your current partner, it may indicate an underlying disconnect.

8 Tips for Increasing Your Sexual Attraction to Someone

If you’re wondering how to be sexually attracted to your partner or hoping to deepen the physical connection, you can take active steps toward building that attraction. Here are eight tips that could potentially help you become more sexually attracted to someone and foster a stronger connection. 

1. Communicate needs, desires, and boundaries.

Sometimes, attraction can grow when both partners simply feel more safe and understood. Practice openly discussing your likes, dislikes, and what makes you feel connected. Such communication can help ease tension or anxiety that could potentially be hindering your physical chemistry.

2. Experiment with different dates.

There might not be a physical spark right away, but that could change over the course of a few dates. Experiment with different settings or activities. Dress up and go out to dinner; keep it more casual and do something fun like bowling or putt-putt golfing; take a trip to a new city together. Give it a few chances and ease the chemistry along by engaging in new experiences together.

3. Be playful. 

As we mentioned earlier, humor is one of the most attractive qualities to many. You can boost your physical attraction by being silly and playful with one another—figure out what makes each other laugh and find joy (and attraction) in laughing together.

4. Explore each other’s senses. 

If you connect with someone, but that instant connection isn’t there, try exploring each other’s senses to develop your sexual chemistry. For example, indulge in your partner’s favorite meal; sit down and watch the movie that makes you laugh the hardest; listen to the song that makes them feel nostalgic or romantic. Explore the senses, experiment with different levels of emotion, and see if you can’t urge that physical connection along.

5. Consider going to sex therapy.

Sex therapy can be particularly helpful to couples experiencing trouble in the bedroom. “Sensate-focused therapy specifically involves a sex therapist guiding an individual or couple through assigned touching exercises aimed at reducing the anxiety and any negative associations to sexual intimacy as well as improving communication between the partners,” explains Heidi Faust, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). 

6. Give it time and be patient. 

Physical attraction can develop as emotional and mental intimacy deepens, and that can take time. Don’t pressure yourself or your partner to feel a certain way right away. Let the connection grow naturally, and be patient as you both navigate your feelings.

7. Stay committed to strengthening intimacy throughout your relationship.

Both the person that you are and the person that you’re with today will change—in fact, the person that you were and the person that they were when you met are probably already different today. We all grow and change throughout our lives, and our relationships grow and evolve, too. So stay committed to strengthening your relationship and exploring new channels of intimacy. You can learn more about this in Pat Love’s book, “The Truth About Love.” 

8. Take care of your own well-being. 

Your own sense of self-confidence and physical health can have a big impact on attraction. Regular exercise, eating well, and feeling good about yourself can help you feel more confident, which can also make you more attracted to your partner. Attraction can be affected by how you feel about yourself, not just the other person.

Final Thoughts

It’s entirely possible to be in love with someone without feeling a strong sexual attraction. Love can be built on emotional, intellectual, and shared life experiences, and a lack of physical desire doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. Relationships are complex, and many couples find happiness in love even if the sexual attraction isn’t immediate or intense. 

If you’re wondering, “Can I be in love but not sexually attracted to someone?” the answer is yes—and with communication, effort, and openness, you can work together to navigate this dynamic in a way that strengthens your bond. If you and your partner are struggling to find a healthy balance between an emotional and physical connection, consider seeking guidance and support from a couples therapist.