Can I be in love but not sexually attracted to someone?

Can Physical Attraction Develop Over Time?

Yes, physical attraction can grow over time. Love doesn’t always start with a spark. Sure, we all hear stories about couples who are drawn together like magnets from the very beginning, but that’s not how it works for everyone. Sometimes, it just takes a little longer for that physical connection to develop as you get to know each other emotionally first.

Health and wellness expert Caleb Backe puts it this way: “When people talk about the ‘spark’ or clicking with somebody, they’re not necessarily talking about a physical attraction, but a mental one.” Similarly, the way you feel about someone can have nothing to do with their appearance. A classic case of this would be online relationships—nothing says you can’t fall in love with someone’s personality without having any idea what they look like.

“The more you get to know each other on a non-physical level, the more the physical attraction will grow on its own. This is largely due to the fact that you’ll come to appreciate the person beyond their ‘packaging’ and see their essence (aka their personality). That’s why people will often list their top priority in a partner as funny or kind—personality traits, not physical attributes.”

For a lot of people, physical attraction doesn’t always happen right away. It can build as you connect from the inside out. So if you’re not feeling that spark just yet, don’t lose hope. Attraction can definitely grow.

Is Sexual Attraction Important in a Relationship?

How much sexual attraction matters in a relationship really depends on the people involved. For some, emotional connection is everything, and sexual attraction might not matter much—or at all, like for many asexual people. For others, sex is a big part of how they bond, and that initial spark is what helps the relationship move forward.

Of course, there are also plenty of people who find that sexual attraction grows over time. The bottom line is that everyone deserves a relationship that matches their own values, needs, and desires. That means it’s completely OK to leave a relationship if you feel a lack of physical attraction, and it’s just as valid to stay and try to build that connection. Not feeling sexually attracted to your partner doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. What matters most is whether both partners are open to working on that bond together.

As Backe puts it, “While physical attraction plays an important evolutionary role in reproduction, there’s nothing to say that a lack of sexual attraction will negatively impact a relationship.” He adds, “Mental attraction is a prerequisite for maintaining a lasting, healthy relationship. Someone who is in love with, but not attracted to, an individual should still pursue this love connection as this is the connection that will last.”

Why Am I Not Attracted to My Partner?

Attraction can be slow to develop, and there are plenty of reasons why you might not feel that spark right away.

1. Physical Chemistry

Sometimes, your partner just isn’t your usual physical type, and that’s OK. In these cases, emotional and mental connections often play a bigger role, and those take time to build. Once you really connect on those levels, physical chemistry can sometimes follow naturally.

2. Emotional Factors

If you’ve been together for a while, emotional disconnects or poor communication can cause attraction to fade. Unmet needs or ongoing issues that don’t get talked about can build up, leading to frustration or even resentment. When that happens, it’s easy to start seeing your partner in a less flattering light. (Want some ideas to strengthen your relationship? Here’s what 20 couples therapists recommend.)

3. Sexuality

If you’ve always had trouble feeling physically attracted to people—or if it takes you a long time to get there—you might fall somewhere on the asexual or demi-sexual spectrum. That just means sexual attraction develops slowly for you, or maybe not at all, and that’s completely valid.

4. Incompatibility

Sometimes, differences in goals, values, or interests can make it hard to feel attracted, even if your partner is your “type.” For example, if your partner expresses beliefs that clash with your own, it can suddenly make them seem less attractive.

5. External Factors

Life stress, exhaustion, or low self-esteem can all affect your libido and how you see your partner. When you’re overwhelmed or not feeling your best, physical attraction can take a back seat.

4 Signs You're Not Sexually Attracted to Your Partner

If you are in love but something feels missing in the relationship, or your connection isn’t quite progressing, it is worth exploring what the central issue could be. One potential reason for a struggling relationship could be a lack of sexual attraction. Here are some signs that may indicate that you’re not sexually attracted to your partner. 

1. You feel emotionally connected yet physically disconnected.

It’s possible to have affection without sexual chemistry. For this reason, you might feel close to your partner on an emotional level, but when it comes to physical intimacy, something feels missing. 

2. Your mind wanders during intimate moments.

If your thoughts often drift away when you’re engaging in physical intimacy, it may be an indication that you’re not feeling sexually connected or attracted. However, this is also a common challenge for people with ADHD, so it’s important to take all factors into account.

3. You avoid physical affection.

If you find yourself dodging any form of physical touch, such as holding hands, hugs, or even casual contact, it may be a sign that there’s a lack of sexual attraction. Again, though, other factors like autism, ADHD, and other types of sensory issues can also be at play in this.

4. The idea of intimacy feels like an obligation.

If you have normally enjoyed intimacy and sex with previous partners, but feel it is an obligation with your current partner, it may indicate an underlying disconnect.

Though physical attraction and love are commonly intertwined, they are separate experiences that aren’t always in harmony. If you’re having trouble feeling attracted to your partner, there’s a chance your emotional connection could also be suffering. Communication, both with each other and, if possible, a couples counselor, is key to getting to the root of the issue and finding your way back to each other.

8 Tips for Increasing Your Sexual Attraction to Someone

If you’re wondering how to be sexually attracted to your partner or hoping to deepen the physical connection, you can take active steps toward building that attraction. Here are eight tips that could potentially help you become more sexually attracted to someone and foster a stronger connection. 

1. Communicate your needs, desires, and boundaries.

Sometimes, attraction can grow when both partners simply feel safe and understood. Practice openly discussing your likes, dislikes, and what makes you feel connected. Such communication can help ease tension or anxiety that could potentially be hindering your physical chemistry.

2. Experiment with different dates.

There might not be a physical spark right away, but that could change over the course of a few dates. Experiment with different settings or activities. Dress up and go out to dinner; keep it more casual and do something fun like bowling or putt-putt golfing; take a trip to a new city together. Give it a few chances and ease the chemistry along by engaging in new experiences together.

3. Laugh together.

Humor is one of the most attractive qualities to many. You can boost your physical attraction by being silly and playful with one another. Figure out what makes each other laugh and find joy (and attraction) in laughing together.

4. Explore each other’s senses. 

If you connect with someone, but that instant connection isn’t there, try exploring each other’s senses to develop your sexual chemistry. For example, indulge in your partner’s favorite meal; sit down and watch the movie that makes you laugh the hardest; listen to the song that makes them feel nostalgic or romantic. Explore the senses, experiment with different levels of emotion, and see if you can’t urge that physical connection along.

5. Consider going to sex therapy.

Sex therapy can be particularly helpful to couples experiencing trouble in the bedroom. “Sensate-focused therapy specifically involves a sex therapist guiding an individual or couple through assigned touching exercises aimed at reducing the anxiety and any negative associations to sexual intimacy as well as improving communication between the partners,” explains Heidi Faust, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). 

6. Give it time and be patient. 

Physical attraction can develop as emotional and mental intimacy deepens, and that can take time. Don’t pressure yourself or your partner to feel a certain way right away. Let the connection grow naturally, and be patient as you both navigate your feelings.

7. Stay committed to strengthening intimacy throughout your relationship.

Both the person that you are and the person that you’re with today will change—in fact, the person that you were and the person that they were when you met are probably already different today. We all grow and change throughout our lives, and our relationships grow and evolve, too. Stay committed to strengthening your relationship and exploring new channels of intimacy. You can learn more about this in Pat Love’s book, “The Truth About Love.” 

8. Take care of your own well-being. 

Your own sense of self-confidence and physical health can have a big impact on attraction. Regular exercise, eating well, and feeling good about yourself can help you feel more confident, which can also make you more attracted to your partner. Attraction can be affected by how you feel about yourself, not just the other person.

The TL;DR

It’s entirely possible to be in love with someone without feeling a strong sexual attraction. Love can be built on emotional, intellectual, and shared life experiences, and a lack of physical desire doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. Relationships are complex, and many couples find happiness in love even if the sexual attraction isn’t immediate or intense. 

With communication, effort, and openness, you can work together to navigate this dynamic in a way that strengthens your bond. If you and your partner are struggling to find a healthy balance between an emotional and physical connection, consider seeking guidance and support from a couples therapist.