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Relationships offer many rewards—support, love, acceptance, belonging, companionship, and understanding. However, they also come with challenges. As time goes on, people change, and it can be hard to adjust to these changes, whether in your partner or yourself. You might even find that you’re no longer attracted to your husband or partner.
A loss of sexual desire can occur if you and your partner aren’t proactive about checking in with each other and communicating your needs. Emotional disconnection can easily affect physical and sexual intimacy. While it may feel daunting to confront these changes, discussing your concerns and asking your partner about their feelings is the best way to reconnect and address any issues.
Can a Marriage Survive Without Desire?
Whether a marriage can survive without desire depends on the people involved and their specific wants and needs. For many couples, a lack of desire makes it difficult for the marriage or relationship to thrive. Feelings of lust or longing can be a critical part of building and maintaining emotional intimacy with their partner. However, marriages look different for different couples.
For some, friendship and companionship are enough for a marriage to remain strong and healthy. Others might value their marriage for its ability to pool resources and responsibilities. Others may simply lose their libido and desire for each other over time or with age, and that may feel perfectly okay in their particular relationship.
Asking whether or not your marriage can survive without desire often depends on what you consider your “normal”. If you used to feel sexually attracted to your husband but no longer are, and that bothers you, it’s worth exploring how to address this and whether your marriage can continue without desire. If the lack of desire is outside your usual experience but doesn’t bother you, it may be okay to embrace this new dynamic in your relationship.
Why Am I So Turned Off by My Husband?
While losing desire for your partner can be concerning, changes in feelings and attraction are normal, especially in long-term relationships. Over time, marriages go through ups and downs—people evolve, and libidos naturally shift. The aging process impacts us physically and emotionally, and it can also impact our sex drive. Fluctuating libidos, aging, and physical changes can all be reasons you are not attracted to your husband.
Another possible reason is a lack of emotional intimacy. For many people, it is difficult to have physical or sexual intimacy without first establishing emotional closeness. Have you checked in with your partner lately? Have they checked in with you? Do you trust them with your emotions? If you’re missing the pull of sexual intimacy, it may be because you’re also lacking emotional connection. Trying to engage in physical or sexual intimacy without establishing emotional intimacy can feel disjointed or strained. If you feel emotionally detached from your partner, you may not be “in the mood” for physical or sexual intimacy.
Unresolved issues may also contribute to a lack of attraction. If you and your partner have not openly addressed old wounds or unmet needs, these issues can fester and create distance between you and your partner. Anger or frustration often diminishes attraction.
In more extreme cases, having no desire could indicate that you’re falling out of love or are no longer in love. If you want to save the relationship, try talking to a couples counselor about what you’re both going through. A trained, neutral third party can help address fears, insecurities, and even resentment, providing valuable support as you work through these challenges
12 Tips To Rebuild Attraction To Your Husband
If you feel that you have no desire for your husband but love him or that you have no desire to have sex with your husband, you’re not alone. Many couples experience a decrease in physical attraction over time, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up on having intimacy and attraction in your relationship. There are ways to reignite that spark and rebuild desire for your partner.
Whether it’s through open communication, reframing your view of attraction, or making an effort to strengthen your emotional bond, here are some tips to help rebuild attraction to your husband.
- Investigate the root of the issue. Losing desire or attraction from your husband can be caused by a number of things. Try to understand the main reason for the loss of attraction so you can acutely address that issue, with your partner, yourself, or a therapist.
- Work on open and honest communication. Share your feelings, fears, and desires with your partner. Be willing to listen and understand their perspective without judgment.
- Adjust your definition of attraction. Attraction does not have to be built on physical standards, but can be based on observing and admiring your partner for their integrity, how they carry themselves, their values, how they show or express love, how they show up to be present with you, and so much more.
- Reframe physical changes as something to embrace. Over time, it becomes necessary to shift perspective as physical and spiritual changes occur in both you and your spouse, such as weight gain, personality changes, wrinkles, gray hairs, sun spots, dips in confidence, and the like. Think, “How can I embrace my partner as their body changes?” “How can I be loving and kind?” “How do I show up for my partner when things are changing?” You may, for example, notice their gray hairs and say, “Wow, these are signs of a life lived, experience, and so much wisdom,” rather than telling them to cover that up with hair dye.
- Take the pressure off physical intimacy. The more you concentrate on the lack of physical intimacy and trying to fix that specific thing, the harder it can be to bring back the desire and sexual attraction. Take the pressure off sex and instead focus on rebuilding your emotional connection. Intimacy often will more naturally arise from a strong emotional bond.
- Spend more quality time together. Making time to focus on and be with your partner is an excellent way to build emotional intimacy. Do something you both enjoy doing or something you used to enjoy doing together.
- Engage in meaningful conversations. Talk to each other about your feelings and mental health. Talk through your concerns calmly and respectfully, or make a point to check in with each other more regularly.
- Show genuine interest in your partner’s life.: Be your partner’s cheerleader. Celebrate their successes, comfort them when they need it, and ask questions about their life outside of your relationship.
- Grow in fondness and admiration for one another. Both of you make a practice of noticing the good things in each other, things you appreciate or are grateful for that the other person provides, whether that be physically or emotionally.
- Explore new things together. Trying new activities or experiences together can help bring some excitement into the relationship and often reactivate a spark.
- Be sure to compromise. Finding a balance that works for both partners is crucial. Be open to working together, find common ground, and honor each other’s needs as you explore new things together.
- Seek couples counseling. A mental health professional can help bring clarity to the root of the issue and give each of you a space to air out what you’re feeling, allowing you to better understand each other and come together to decide what the future holds.
Final Thoughts
Rebuilding attraction in a marriage where the spark has perhaps dimmed is a process. It takes time, effort, and patience. If you’re feeling like you have no desire for your husband, remember that attraction can evolve, and intimacy can be rekindled through open communication, emotional connection, and a willingness to explore new experiences together. While it may feel challenging, focusing on the qualities that initially drew you to your partner and finding ways to nurture that bond can reignite the flame. To guide you through the process, it might be helpful to seek the help of a therapist.
