Weaponized incompetence: Is this subtle manipulation tactic hurting your relationship?

What Is Weaponized Incompetence?

Weaponized incompetence, also known as strategic incompetence, is when someone pretends they can’t do a task or intentionally does it poorly. As a result, someone else—often a family member, partner, or colleague—ends up taking over and completing the work. According to Brateman, this is a manipulative behavior that people use, sometimes knowingly and sometimes without realizing it, to get others to handle their responsibilities.

What Does Weaponized Incompetence Look Like in Everyday Situations?

Weaponized incompetence can be an obvious tactic in certain scenarios, and fly under the radar in others. So we scoured Reddit, one of the most honest forums on the internet, to bring you various real-life examples. (We sourced comments from here and here, and lightly edited them for length and clarity.)

Common Everyday Examples of Weaponized Incompetence

1. In a relationship: “My dad doesn’t put groceries away or do the dishes because he ‘doesn’t know where anything goes’ so my mom has to do everything, including cooking all the food. My parents built the house in the mid-70s and have lived there ever since. Everything has gone in the same place in that kitchen for the last 45 years.” — HeyJudeWhat

2. In a family: “My father, who is an accomplished craftsman, would have his teenage daughters wrap Christmas presents because he ‘can’t make them look nice.’ It’s literally formulaic and [requires] attention to detail, skills he obviously has.” — EngineeringRegret

3. In the workplace: “My coworker ‘couldn’t’ figure out how to schedule meetings, so guess who became the team’s unofficial calendar manager? Hint: not him.” — HoneyBlondey

Unexpected or Less Obvious Examples of Weaponized Incompetence

1. In a relationship: “My ex developed type 2 diabetes when we were together. He was given two different types of insulin, metformin, and a big stack of paperwork to educate him on his new diagnosis. Guess who stuck to a proper schedule for maybe four months before he started ignoring when he needed insulin, to the point that he started slipping into ‘diabetic naps’ every other week? He just wanted to wait for me to wake him up when that happened, because he knew I would and that I’d bring him his medical bag and everything to fix it. Putting 100% of that stress on me.” — Nauin

2. In a family: “After picking up dog poop in the backyard, my little sister then spilled the poop all over the kitchen floor as she was bringing it through the house to throw away in the garage, even though she was instructed to leave the bag in the side yard. I had to pick up the poop after that until I went to college.” — reallyageek

3. In the workplace: “I make bots for company-wide use, and I include detailed instructions for all of them. I get angry messages that say ‘your bot is broken’ or ‘your bot doesn’t work’ or I just get a cryptic screen capture of some error they had. So I ask, ‘Did you read the instructions?’ and they say yes. I have to personally meet with them just to walk them through my own instructions, then the bot magically works after that.” — deleted user

How to Spot the Signs of Weaponized Incompetence

There’s a difference between weaponized incompetence and genuinely lacking the skill or knowledge to do something. The key differentiator: If you lack skill, then you should have the willingness to learn.

“We don’t all have the same skill sets, but we never will if we keep shifting something we’re not familiar with to someone else,” Brateman says.

Here are the most common signs of weaponized incompetence experts say to look out for:

1. They always “mess up,” even with simple or routine tasks.

It’s one thing for them to occasionally fumble the ground-coffee-to-water ratio; it’s another if they repeatedly mess it up after you’ve given clear instructions and tips, forcing you to be the caffeine wizard as you both rush out the door for work each morning. (Let’s not forget: In today’s world, they can simply Google “how to brew a great pot of coffee.”)

2. They’re not really trying.

When someone genuinely lacks skill, they take the initiative to learn, ask questions, and then practice. With weaponized incompetence, they won’t show any desire to understand how to do a task, says Natalia Piszczek, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks. They also won’t meaningfully try to improve the skill with the hopes of mastering it.

3. They make a big fuss.

Doing something out of your wheelhouse can be a little confusing or awkward, but it usually doesn’t warrant exaggerated confusion or frustration. That’s a sign they don’t want to deal with what’s in front of them.

4. They’re not reliable.

When they don’t follow through or fully complete tasks they said they would do, you’re more likely to take on the work yourself to ensure it gets done in the future.

The Psychology Behind Weaponized Incompetence: Is It Always a Conscious Choice?

Weaponized incompetence isn’t always a deliberate form of manipulation. Some people are unaware of this behavior and the stress it causes those around them. Piszczek explains that these patterns are often shaped by societal and cultural messages, like the mistaken belief that women are naturally better at chores such as dishes and laundry, while men excel at tasks like handling power tools and cars.

Early life experiences also play a role. For example, if your partner grew up grilling with his dad while his sister set the table with their mom, he may now feel less capable or responsible for certain tasks. If he is consciously incompetent when asked to set the table, he might do it incorrectly or “forget” items like glasses and napkins. If he is unconsciously incompetent, he may avoid the task altogether, assuming he’ll just mess it up. “They may truly feel unsure or have learned to let others take over,” Piszczek says.

However, this explanation only goes so far. Eventually, someone will point out the behavior, either directly or indirectly. If the person continues to show signs of weaponized incompetence after being called out, “then they’re knowingly doing it, even if they started off not knowing,” Brateman says.

Common Motivations

Why do people resort to weaponized incompetence, even when they know it frustrates their partners, relatives, or colleagues? Experts identify three main reasons:

1. Escaping Discomfort

People may avoid chores they find unpleasant, overwhelming, or outside their comfort zone by pretending they can’t do them, Piszczek says.

2. Avoiding Criticism

Brateman notes that fear of criticism is a major motivator. Sometimes, a cycle develops: one person is “bad” at a task, while the other criticizes their efforts.

For example, if you ask your partner to load the dishwasher and then get irritated because they’re not stacking each plate and glass exactly like you would, “you’re setting yourself up for doing it forever,” Brateman says. They may never touch the dishwasher again because they’re anticipating a scolding when they load it in a different (but reasonable) way.

3. Maintaining Control

Delaying or avoiding responsibilities can shift the burden onto others, giving the person a sense of control. For instance, a colleague who puts off deadlines forces teammates to pick up the slack, effectively controlling the situation and increasing others’ stress, Brateman explains.

How Weaponized Incompetence Can Hurt Your Relationship

Weaponized incompetence isn’t just a minor annoyance. It can have lasting effects that undermine your relationship. Here are the hidden costs:

1. It slowly erodes your connection.

When one person regularly avoids responsibility, the other can feel overwhelmed, unappreciated, and taken for granted, Piszczek says. Over time, these feelings often turn into resentment and a lack of trust.

If most of the household work falls on one person, it becomes a heavy burden, leading to burnout and emotional distance, Brateman adds. Acting like your partner’s manager makes it harder to rely on them, and can even affect intimacy, ultimately creating unhappiness in the relationship

2. It reinforces exhausting gender norms.

According to a 2020 Gallup poll, women are more likely to take on a larger share of domestic chores like laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, childcare, and planning family activities. The problem is, women also make up about half of the U.S. workforce, so they’re often juggling all of this on top of their day jobs.

With weaponized incompetence, a husband might always hand the screaming baby to his wife because “the baby likes you more.” But this reinforces the idea that a man isn’t capable of—or responsible for—calming his own child, which can trigger all the negative feelings mentioned above. As Brateman puts it, “What are you going to do when Mom leaves the room?”

3. It can negatively influence your kids’ behavior.

“Children learn by watching. They are like sponges,” Piszczek says. “If they see one parent always avoiding responsibility and the other constantly overfunctioning, they may grow up thinking that is what relationships are supposed to look like.” This can shape unhealthy expectations in their own future partnerships.

How to Deal With and Prevent Weaponized Incompetence 

Something has to change. “Otherwise, you’ll start fighting about things you never fought about before,” Brateman says. These conversations can be tough—no one likes feeling called out. But to stop weaponized incompetence, you need to be honest about how it’s affecting your mental health. Here’s how:

1. Communicate openly and calmly.

The first step is to recognize the pattern and talk about it with your partner. “Focus on how the behavior makes you feel,” Piszczek says. Use “I” statements, like “I feel overwhelmed when I have to handle this alone.”

Also, reflect on your own role. Maybe you’ve taken over their chores or been overly critical. Ask yourself, “What role do I play in this? If I weren’t so fierce about this, would the other person step up?” Brateman says.

2. Clearly divide and define responsibilities.

Once you’re both aware of the issue, discuss and agree on who does what. Make a list of responsibilities and divide them fairly, aiming for a balanced workload. Speak up if things feel uneven. “You don’t get to just pick and choose the things you’re good at,” Brateman says. “There are certain things nobody wants to do—each person will have to take on some of those too.”

Also, be specific about what “done” means for each task. For example, agree on whether laundry is “done” when it’s folded or just dried, and set clear expectations.

3. Step back and give them the chance to follow through.

After dividing tasks, give your partner space to handle their responsibilities. Avoid micromanaging, fixing their work, or criticizing, unless they ask for help while learning.

Make it a habit to share when tasks are complete, so no one has to chase the other for updates. This could be a quick verbal confirmation or using a shared checklist—say, on your fridge or in a shared note in an app. When your partner does something well or helps out in a way that eases your stress, acknowledge it. Positive reinforcement goes a long way, Brateman says.

4. Consider therapy.

If these steps don’t lead to meaningful change or only create more conflict, consider couples counseling. “A therapist can bring to light what you’re not necessarily able to see in the moment,” Brateman says. Having a neutral third party can help you both understand your roles in this pattern and work together to break it.

Weaponized Incompetence: The TL;DR

Weaponized incompetence is a serious issue that can damage your relationship. It’s a manipulative pattern—often reinforced by both people—that leads to resentment and mistrust. The sooner you recognize and address it, the sooner you can break the cycle. As Brateman says, “If you don’t bring it out in the open, you will simmer and then explode.”