Online dating rejection: Why it hurts and how to cope

Picture this: You’ve been swiping on the dating apps for a few months now. You find a few people you like and get conversations going, talking for a while, and things seem to be going well—well enough that you might even plan a date with them.

Then, out of nowhere, they stop responding. Maybe you shoot them another message to see if they were just busy, or perhaps you just feel too embarrassed to send anything their way, so you unmatch them and move on.

The process of online dating—narrowing down potential matches, keeping up the same conversations, hoping the ones you pursue don’t end up ghosting you, and being disappointed when they do—can feel exhausting, upsetting, and hopeless. It leaves you wondering: “How do I deal with being constantly rejected by people I’m interested in?” “Am I doing something wrong?” “Why am I even trying?”

These struggles with finding and maintaining genuine connections on dating apps are more common than you might think. “Very frequently, I have conversations with my clients about online dating and their often frustrating and overall negative experiences,” says Alex Cromer, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks. “Many complain about difficulty maintaining and sustaining a meaningful relationship as well as feeling ‘drained’ by the process of dating online.”

Here, we lay out the specific struggles that come with online dating and why, sometimes, being rejected on apps can hurt more than in-person dating.

Why Online Dating Rejection Hurts So Much

Several factors contribute to the unique pain of online dating rejection. The lack of face-time and personal interaction can make it easier to disregard the feelings of the people you’re talking to, leading to rejections that are less kind or nicely worded—or ending things with no response or reasoning at all.

“Many of my clients remark that online rejection tends to feel more personal, and thus more hurtful, than being rejected in person,” Cromer says. “For one, if you’re rejected in person, it can feel more digestible since you’re able to identify and process both verbal and nonverbal cues from the other person. Being rejected online often comes with less explanation and opportunity for conversation, whereas in person, you might be able to ask questions.”

Hallie Kritsas, a licensed clinical mental health counselor at Thriveworks, says her clients face the same concerns. “The frequency and ambiguity of online rejection can make it feel even more painful than direct, in-person rejection. Some have faced rejection for their appearances alone; they feel as if someone has discarded them based on a handful of photos or interactions, which can be extremely disheartening.”

The Issue of Ghosting

Ghosting plays a significant role in feeling hurt and rejected online. It’s exceedingly common on dating apps—a 2020 study cited that 85 percent of people using online dating apps report experiencing it. Ghosting has become so prevalent that, for some, it’s even considered a normal or expected part of online dating.

“Though ghosting isn’t exclusive to dating apps, when dating online, it’s easy and often too convenient for people to simply leave the conversation,” Cromer says. “When you don’t have to deal with the aftermath, it’s very appealing to some to put in the least amount of effort possible, no matter the hurt it might cause.”

All of this can make for a perilous, tiring environment that takes an inordinate amount of energy and resilience to navigate. But it’s important to remember that rejection, while uncomfortable and often disappointing, is a normal part of dating and relationships. Being vulnerable and opening yourself up to connection is a brave act because of the potential for hurt, and it’s important to balance that courage with self-care and appropriate boundaries to make sure you have the energy to keep going.

Healthy Ways to Cope With Online Dating Rejection

Especially when romantic relationships are involved, we want to find acceptance and understanding from others. But dating takes a fair amount of vulnerability and resilience. Here are some practical ways to cope with rejection on dating apps:

1. Evaluate your perspective.

To borrow one of the core principles of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), consider what unhelpful thought processes might be at play. Instead of worrying about missing a potential match or wondering what might be wrong with you, take a look at the undesirable behaviors these people are displaying.

For example, someone who’s willing to ghost you instead of telling you they’re not interested isn’t someone you’d probably benefit from dating in the long run. Those people are weeding themselves out. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that rejection says more about compatibility than your own worth.

2. Manage expectations.

Online dating, more often than not, is a marathon, not a sprint. In order to have the energy and resilience to keep at it, it’s important to assess your expectations so you can plan and commit accordingly.

If you struggle with being ghosted, here are some questions to ask yourself:

• How will I feel if I get ghosted?
• If I am ghosted, can I bounce back quickly and not take it personally?
• If not, do I have the energy to deal with the disappointment, or could this interaction potentially be more effort than it’s worth?

By taking note of your energy levels, you can set realistic expectations as well as realistic boundaries for your online dating experience. It’s OK if you don’t have the energy for this all the time. Give yourself the rest you need, and you’ll be able to hop back in soon enough, hopeful and ready to try again.

3. Reflect, but don’t ruminate.

It’s important to reflect on your experiences and how things are going, but dwelling on them can be more harmful than helpful. Ruminating allows your mind to be bogged down by the negative, sapping your hope and making it difficult to move forward.

To shake this mindset, reflect as though you’re taking stock: What went well about that encounter? Was there something that made you uncomfortable, or alternatively, was there something especially interesting about that person? You can use this assessment to help you decide whether you want to see them again or simply glean what you might’ve learned from the interaction.

“Use what’s important, and let the rest go,” Kritsas says.

4. Build a fulfilling life beyond the apps.

Online dating can be fun and exciting at times, but without other positive outlets and support systems, the energy you get from it can quickly plummet after a negative interaction. As you peruse the dating apps, Kritsas advises that you try to stay connected to family, friendships, passions, and goals.

Instead of waiting for matches, build a fulfilling life:

• Join a new club or take a class in something you’re interested in
• Get coffee and stroll through a local park
• Hit up a bookstore, music venue, or art gallery
• Reconnect with friends you haven’t seen in a while
• Pursue a hobby or goal you’ve been putting off

These anchors will help you feel consistently fulfilled and give you resilience, even if things don’t go as planned on the apps. They also make you a more interesting, well-rounded person—which tends to attract better matches.

5. Establish a mantra.

Make a habit of reminding yourself of the kind, positive thoughts and beliefs you hold about yourself to infuse your days with a little extra hope and self-love.

“To come up with the most helpful mantras, try to think about specific thoughts or beliefs you struggle with,” Cromer says. “What are some truths about yourself? Are there any thoughts you’re holding about yourself that are false and/or unhelpful? Shaping encouraging phrases around these will make them even more impactful.”

If you’re struggling with what to say, start with something simple:

• “I have worth”
• “I deserve genuine connection”
• “I love myself”
• “The right person will appreciate who I am”

These mantras might sound basic, but they can have a positive impact as you navigate these challenges and think of new ones you can add to your rotation.

Remember: Rejection Is a Normal Part of Dating

Modern dating can be nerve-wracking and full of frustration—but it can also be enjoyable, rewarding, and successful if you’re willing to persevere. You can’t change dating apps or the people who use them, but if you can learn to manage your expectations, cope effectively, and set boundaries where you need them, you can make dating apps work better for you.

If your negative feelings about dating apps persist and you start feeling anxious, depressed, or lonely without a significant other, it could be worth seeking help from a therapist. They can help you sort through your emotions, make sense of your patterns, and find a way forward that allows you to rediscover your confidence, hope, and self-assurance.