Why opposites attract: How to navigate an anxious-avoidant attachment relationship

Understanding Relationship Attachment Styles

Attachment styles are emotional patterns we develop in early childhood, shaped by how our caregivers responded to our needs, especially whether they consistently provided physical and emotional comfort and stability.

“Everyone, metaphorically, speaks a different language. Your culture, how you grew up—they all shape the way we function in the world,” Cromer says. A major factor in how we grew up is how secure we felt as children and how our caregivers responded when we needed reassurance.

As adults, these attachment styles influence how we connect with others in our relationships.

There is one secure attachment style and three insecure styles: avoidant, anxious, and disorganized/fearful. All three insecure styles typically stem from inconsistent caregiving early in life. Research shows that people with insecure attachment styles are more likely to experience anxiety than those with a secure attachment.

Here’s a quick breakdown of each style:

• Avoidant: People with this attachment style value self-reliance and independence, often avoiding emotional intimacy or closeness. While they may come across as emotionally distant or dismissive, this can mask an underlying fear of disconnect or rejection.
• Anxious: This attachment style is marked by a fear of abandonment and a strong desire for closeness, which can lead to clinginess, over-dependence, or constant seeking of validation.
• Disorganized/Fearful: Combining both anxious and avoidant traits, this attachment style often results from trauma, abuse, or highly inconsistent caregiving. People with this attachment style may alternate between pulling away and seeking closeness.
• Secure: Usually rooted in a healthy childhood where caregivers consistently met emotional, mental, and physical needs, this style is comfortable with both intimacy and independence, and is characterized by healthy trust in others. This is considered the healthiest attachment style and the one the others strive to move toward.

Some people don’t fit neatly into one attachment style and may display traits from different styles depending on the situation, says Dana McNeil, PsyD, a licensed marriage and family therapist.

What Is Anxious Attachment?

Anxious attachment is defined by a constant need for reassurance, often rooted in a deep fear of abandonment. People with this attachment style frequently worry that their partner doesn’t love them or might leave, even when given reassurance.

This can lead to behaviors such as:

• Acting clingy
• Overanalyzing situations
• Seeking constant validation
• Being highly sensitive to signs of rejection
• Appearing possessive or overly dependent

Anxious attachment usually develops when a caregiver was inconsistently present—either physically or emotionally—during childhood, making it hard to rely on steady support. “Usually, the child then unconsciously realizes, ‘If I meet my caretaker’s needs, if I’m always checking to make sure they’re OK and they’re not mad at me, if I perform for them, then I get my needs met,’” Cromer explains.

In short, people with anxious attachment often view love and security as conditional, something that must be earned.

McNeil notes that many people see themselves in a blend of anxious styles, such as:

1. Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment: This style develops from receiving inconsistent love and acceptance from a caregiver. People with this pattern struggle to trust that others will consistently show up for them. They tend to feel dependent, crave approval, and are highly sensitive to rejection, often expecting things to go wrong in the relationship and searching for issues even when none exist.
2. Anxious-Avoidant Attachment: Rooted in experiences with emotionally unavailable caregivers, this style makes it difficult to form close emotional connections. People with this attachment often hide their pain behind a façade of self-sufficiency and independence. This push-pull dynamic creates anxiety, especially when a partner seeks emotional depth or commitment.

What Is Avoidant Attachment?

People with an avoidant attachment style often come across as self-reliant but have difficulty opening up emotionally. They tend to prioritize independence over intimacy, preferring to keep an emotional distance.

This usually stems from having caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or dismissive during childhood, causing them to turn inward and feel they can only rely on themselves, Cromer explains.

People with avoidant attachment are typically:

• Highly independent (sometimes to a fault)
• Uncomfortable with expressions of affection or emotion
• Fearful of vulnerability
• Feeling suffocated or trapped when partners want more closeness
• Maintaining strong, sometimes rigid, boundaries

What Is an Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Relationship?

An anxious-avoidant attachment relationship involves one partner with an anxious attachment style and the other with an avoidant attachment style. This pairing is quite common, as many people unconsciously repeat patterns learned in their families.

Although it’s a common stereotype that women are more likely to have an anxious attachment and men an avoidant one, Cromer notes there’s no real gender divide. Attachment style is shaped solely by your individual experiences.

This dynamic isn’t limited to romantic relationships, either. According to Cromer, anxious-avoidant attachment patterns can also show up with siblings, family members, friends, and even in employee-employer relationships.

Why Are Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles Drawn Together?

People with an anxious attachment style are often attracted to those with an avoidant attachment style because, simply put, we tend to seek what feels familiar.

If your parents were distant or aloof, you may have learned as a child to be overly attentive to their moods and needs as a way to stay safe and feel loved, McNeil explains. “If this is the type of interaction you’re familiar with—though not necessarily comfortable with—it makes sense you’re drawn to these patterns in your adult relationships.”

Cromer puts it this way: Even if you consciously know your partner should be present in your life, if you grew up with a parent who was unreliable, the subconscious part of your brain (the limbic system) normalizes falling for these objectively illogical behaviors.

Common Paint Points and Patterns in Anxious-Avoidant Relationships

Because this dynamic often mirrors insecure cycles from childhood, the pain points and patterns can be especially intense and challenging.

In nearly every scenario below, both partners experience emotional flooding, or feeling overwhelmed by emotions they don’t know how to manage, Cromer explains. Each person then reverts to the coping strategies they learned as a child: shutting down and relying on their own internal guidance to handle these feelings. The key difference lies in how each partner’s needs were (or weren’t) met growing up, which shapes how they respond now.

The Pursue-Withdraw Cycle

The most common conflict pattern between anxious and avoidant partners is the pursue-withdraw or pursue-distance cycle. In this dynamic, the anxious partner craves emotional connection to feel safe, while the avoidant partner feels overwhelmed by these bids for closeness and shuts down or withdraws, McNeil says.

This cycle can be triggered in different ways, but here’s a typical example:

1. The anxious attachment partner seeks reassurance and doesn’t receive it from their avoidant attachment partner.
2. The anxious attachment partner then feels a lack of connection and questions their importance and value.
3. In response, the anxious attachment partner seeks even more reassurance and validation to confirm these feelings aren’t true.
4. The avoidant partner sees this as their partner coming at them, making them feel trapped, so they withdraw or distance themselves.
5. This distancing causes the anxious partner to crave even more reassurance, which perpetuates the cycle.

“Interestingly, if the anxious partner has any avoidant traits, they may withdraw at some point in the cycle as well,” McNeil adds.

When this happens, it can scare the avoidant partner into thinking the anxious partner might leave entirely. This retreat often gives the avoidant partner enough space to regroup, after which they may re-engage and attempt to pull the anxious partner back in.

Communication Styles

“Communication between these two attachment styles can be really challenging,” McNeil says.

Typically, the anxious partner:

• Is more expressive
• Is in touch with their emotions
• Wants to share emotional experiences as a way to feel close
• Wants to discuss needs during and after conflict

In contrast, the avoidant partner usually:

• Feels more comfortable discussing “facts” rather than feelings
• Struggles to validate their anxious partner’s emotional perspective
• Has difficulty understanding why emotions need to be part of problem solving
• Often doesn’t notice or acknowledge when their anxious partner is shutting down or overcompensating, which can create more resentment and conflict

Other Common Pain Points

According to McNeil, other major challenges in anxious-avoidant relationships often center around how each partner gives and receives affection. This includes differences in:

• Showing affection: The anxious partner may crave frequent physical touch or verbal reassurance, while the avoidant partner might be less comfortable with overt displays of affection.
• Romantic gestures: What feels meaningful to one partner may feel overwhelming or unnecessary to the other, leading to misunderstandings or disappointment.
• Words of affirmation: The anxious partner may need regular verbal expressions of love and appreciation, while the avoidant partner might struggle to offer these or may not see them as important.
• Sex: Differences in comfort with intimacy, physical closeness, and sexual expression can become another area of tension, with the anxious partner often seeking connection through sex and the avoidant partner sometimes withdrawing.

These mismatches can lead to frustration and hurt feelings, making it even more important for couples to understand and communicate about their individual needs.

How Couples Can Heal and Improve Their Attachment Dynamics

As mentioned earlier, everyone speaks a different language in relationships. Couples can strengthen their connection by learning to understand and communicate in their partner’s “language,” Cromer says. This mutual effort can help heal anxious attachment patterns and reduce avoidant tendencies.

Here are four expert-backed tips both partners can practice:

1. Remember you’re both just trying to say you love one another.

The intentions behind these patterns are usually positive, Cromer says. Both partners are trying to express love, but they may be communicating in ways the other doesn’t understand.

2. After a fight, grab a pen and get real about your triggers.

After a conflict, take time to reflect and write down what triggered your reaction. Was it a raised voice, feeling unheard, or someone leaving the room? Identifying these triggers helps you understand your emotional responses and prepares you to handle similar situations more thoughtfully in the future.

3. Turn “You did this” into “I noticed this” when you talk.

“We’re just here to look at patterns,” Cromer says. After things have calmed down, notice and discuss what happened with an open mind. For example, you might say, “I realized I want to pull away when I feel triggered by X.” This helps both partners become aware of each other’s triggers and work together to break the cycle.

4. Be crystal clear about what makes you feel loved.

Everyone feels loved in different ways, so it’s important to be explicit with your partner. Cromer suggests asking each other, “When did you feel the most loved, secure, and understood in your life?” Sharing these moments can help you both understand and meet each other’s needs more effectively.

There are also unique strategies for each attachment style.

4 Ways an Anxious Attachment Style Can Improve Their Relationship

1. Consider if you’re leaning too much on your partner for emotional needs.

It’s natural (and healthy) to want emotional validation from your partner. But depending on them for your sense of safety and security can backfire, especially when they’re dealing with their own challenges or just need space, McNeil says. Notice when you’re expecting your partner to fill a need you could start to meet for yourself.

2. Reflect on why the reassurance you’re given doesn’t feel like enough.

If you keep asking for reassurance but still feel unsatisfied, pause and ask yourself why. Do you doubt your partner’s sincerity? Do you only feel reassured if they offer it without you prompting? Understanding what’s really missing can help you communicate your needs more clearly.

3. Practice self-soothing.

If you struggle to feel OK without your partner’s reassurance, your partner may sense this and instinctively pull away, McNeil says. Break the cycle by developing ways to comfort yourself—whether it’s deep breathing, positive self-talk, or doing something that grounds you—so you’re not always looking outside yourself for security.

4. Be honest about your patterns and expectations.

If you feel insecure about the relationship most days, or if you’ve needed constant reassurance in past relationships too, ask yourself if you truly believe you deserve love and security. If self-doubt runs deep, consider individual therapy, McNeil advises. It can help you build self-worth and break the cycle for good.

3 Things People with an Avoidant Attachment Style Can Do

1. Ask yourself if your lack of trust is really about your partner.

People with avoidant attachment often find it hard to trust others or let their guard down, McNeil says. Pause and consider: Is your reluctance to trust your partner based on their actual behavior—not showing up for you, not providing emotional security—or is it an old fear carried over from childhood? Being honest about the source can help you respond more fairly in your relationship.

2. When you feel the urge to pull away, pause and jot down what you’re feeling.

Avoidants tend to steer clear of emotions, but journaling and tracking your mood can help you spot patterns and triggers. This gives you a chance to break the cycle with your partner.

3. Notice when you’re shutting down, and try to share instead.

“Avoidants deal with tension by shutting down and turning inward,” Cromer says. If you can catch yourself in the act and recognize that your partner sees this as pulling away, use it as a cue to open up, even just a little, about what you’re feeling. This small step can help your partner feel more connected and may reduce the anxious need to pursue you when you withdraw.

When to Seek Professional Help

“When conversations start to feel unproductive, unsatisfying, or neither partner reaches out hoping for a real connection, it may be time to seek couples therapy,” McNeil says.

Cromer adds that if you find yourselves having the same arguments repeatedly, or if the tension is affecting your daily life—such as sleeping in separate beds—therapy can help as well. You don’t need a specialist for this, she notes; these issues are well within the scope of any couples counselor.

Anxious-Avoidant Relationships: The TL;DR

In anxious-avoidant relationships, both partners want closeness, but they differ in how they believe the relationship is best supported: one through engagement and connection, the other through taking space to avoid conflict. This difference often creates a push-pull dynamic rooted in early attachment wounds, leaving both people feeling misunderstood and disconnected-even though both ultimately seek love and security.

The good news? This cycle doesn’t have to last forever. With self-awareness, open communication, and a willingness to grow together, couples can break free from old patterns and build a more secure, fulfilling connection.