Processing grief: What it really means and how to begin healing

What does it mean to "process grief"?

Processing grief means acknowledging, examining, accepting, and moving through the pain of loss. It’s active work, not passive waiting.

Grief is your body and mind’s visceral response to profound emotional pain that comes from a deep sense of loss. Without processing it, that pain can sometimes stay lodged inside you, often intensifying over time. Processing grief hurts too, but it’s productive pain that helps you move forward and adapt to this new version of your life.

Many experiences can trigger grief and be helpful to process:

• The death of a loved one or family member
• The end of an intimate relationship or marriage
• The loss of a close friendship or mentorship
• The death of a pet
• A natural disaster or major tragedy that affects your life
• A personal terminal illness diagnosis

Important: Processing grief does not mean “getting over” it. There’s no finish line where grief disappears completely. Instead, grief becomes more manageable over time—something you learn to live with and around, incorporating it into your life in healthy, memory-honoring ways.

Common emotional responses to grief

Grief isn’t just sadness. It’s a complex emotional experience that shows up differently for everyone.

“When people think of grief, they often immediately think of sadness. However, grief can show up in many ways,” says Jami Dumler, a licensed clinical social worker at Thriveworks. “Beyond sadness, there can be numbness, anger, peace, relief, guilt, and a wide range of other emotions. There is no one-size-fits-all reaction.”

The circumstances of your loss—whether it involves death, breakups, divorce, or unresolved regrets—can also trigger anxiety. You might feel trapped, helpless, or frustrated by circumstances beyond your control.

Dumler highlights another reaction people often overlook: “An emotional response many of my clients are unaware of is the idea of the ‘invisible cloak.’ This occurs when someone hides their pain behind a facade, appearing fine or ‘normal’ instead of facing or feeling their emotions. Others might think they are coping or moving on, when in reality they’re still grieving, perhaps feeling closed off from their emotions.”

It’s normal to experience multiple, even conflicting, emotions throughout the grieving process. You might feel relief and guilt at the same time. You might oscillate between anger and profound sadness. Loss, like relationships, is complex—and your emotional response will be too.

The 5 stages of grief

While everyone’s grief journey is unique, many people experience some variation of these five stages of grief. They don’t always occur in order, and you might skip some entirely or revisit others multiple times:

1. Denial

Your initial instinct may be to reject the reality of what happened. This protective response gives your system time to absorb shocking news, though it can lead to avoidant or erratic behavior as you resist accepting the loss.

2. Anger

Once reality sets in, you might feel that the circumstances are profoundly unfair—and get angry about it. Anger signals that something needs to be addressed, making it a normal and sometimes necessary part of grieving. Watch for self-destructive behaviors or harmful coping mechanisms that can emerge during this stage, like drinking, smoking, and other risky behavior.

3. Bargaining

The “what-ifs” and “if onlys” take center stage. You might replay scenarios in your mind, wondering how things could have been different. This mental loop can create guilt and delay forward movement.

4. Depression

Often the most difficult stage, this is when grief peaks. The reality of life without what or who you’ve lost feels overwhelming. If you’re stuck here, professional support can prevent acute grief from becoming chronic depression.

5. Acceptance

This final stage involves fully acknowledging your loss while recognizing that hope and meaning still exist in your life. You see value in what remains—relationships, purpose, future possibilities—even while honoring what’s gone.

Healthy ways to process grief, according to therapists

When processing grief, Dumler recommends focusing on the “Tasks of Mourning”—a framework that provides a step-by-step method for processing and integrating grief in healthy ways. These tasks include accepting the reality of the loss, processing the pain of grief, adjusting to a world without what you’ve lost, and finding a way to honor your loss while moving forward.

Here’s how it breaks down:

Address the reality of the situation

Accepting what happened often requires both emotional work and practical action. Attending a funeral, planning a memorial gathering, or having direct conversations with loved ones about the loss forces you to confront the reality rather than avoid it.

Create tangible acknowledgments of your loss. Write an obituary or eulogy, sort through belongings, update legal documents, or establish a ritual like lighting a candle on meaningful dates. These concrete actions—while painful—help your mind process that the loss is real.

If your loss doesn’t have a clear narrative or reason, that’s part of the reality to accept, too. Not every loss comes with closure or meaning, at least not immediately.

Acknowledge your grief

Grief takes enormous energy to carry. Sometimes pushing it down temporarily is necessary just to function—to get through work, care for responsibilities, or keep yourself above water. But neither suppressing your feelings constantly nor drowning in them 24/7 is sustainable.

“In order to actually accept your grief and start moving on, you need to allow yourself to feel,” Dumler says. “Cry, get mad, journal, do something creative that lets you express how you’re feeling.”

If you’re worried these feelings will take over your life, try scheduling grief time. Set aside 20-30 minutes specifically to feel your emotions fully, then put them away and return to your responsibilities. This isn’t about compartmentalizing forever—it’s about learning to manage intense feelings without being consumed by them.

“Therapy sessions or support groups can be excellent environments to acknowledge your grief—they allow you to show up exactly as you are and provide dedicated time and support for processing,” Dumler adds.

“To accept your grief, you need to allow yourself to feel. Cry, get mad, journal…anything that lets you express how you’re feeling.”

Adjust to your new world

Processing grief isn’t about returning to “normal.” Loss is permanent, which means the changes it creates are too. The grief process is one of adjustment, not restoration.

The newness of loss often feels entirely negative, especially before you’ve found any meaning or stability. Integrating new positive routines can help:

• Take on new roles or routines: Loss often forces practical changes—managing finances solo, navigating single parenting, or adjusting your work schedule. While difficult at first, stepping into these roles provides a sense of control. Start small: handle one bill payment or establish a new morning routine.
• Explore new skills: Learning pottery, cooking, gardening, or music builds confidence and provides a creative outlet beyond grief. One client found that woodworking gave her a way to create memorial pieces while processing her father’s death.
• Re-assess your identity and values: Loss shifts perspective dramatically. Career ambitions might suddenly matter less than family time. The grief process offers a chance to examine these changes. Journal about when you feel most like yourself and what brings that out.
• Explore or re-engage with spiritual beliefs: Faith—whether religious, existential, or philosophical—can help you find meaning. This might mean returning to a practice you’d abandoned, exploring meditation, or connecting with nature.

Create a connection with your loss in your new life

Moving forward doesn’t require leaving your loved one or what you lost behind. In fact, finding healthy ways to maintain connection is part of healing.

“Focus on relocating the memories and love you have for them to your heart and memory,” Dumler explains. This might look like carrying on traditions, talking to or writing letters to your loved one, keeping meaningful photos or belongings in your space, or trying activities they loved.

As for real-world examples, one widow continued her husband’s tradition of Saturday morning pancakes with their children, telling stories about him as they cooked together. A woman who lost her best friend started an annual scholarship in her name at their alma mater.

The goal is to find ways to honor what you’ve lost while building a life that accommodates both grief and joy.

How long does the grieving process last?

Acute grief typically lasts at least two months and can extend to a year or longer, though the timeline varies significantly based on individual circumstances.

The intensity and duration of grief depends on the person, their mental health history, support system, and circumstances of the loss. After this initial period, if grief remains overwhelming and disruptive to daily functioning, it may indicate prolonged grief disorder, which benefits from professional treatment.

But grief itself doesn’t operate on a timeline. The feelings don’t disappear entirely; they evolve and become more manageable. Loss creates a permanent gap in your life, and grieving is the process of learning to fill that space in healthy ways.

Over time, most people find that grief becomes less consuming. It’s still there—you’ll have hard days, trigger moments, anniversaries that bring everything rushing back—but it doesn’t dominate every moment. You learn to carry it alongside everything else in your life, experiencing it in ways that honor your loss while allowing you to move forward.

When to consider grief counseling

“Challenge after loss is normal and expected. However, if grief is persistent, overwhelming, or begins to interfere with your daily functioning or safety, then it’s time to seek help,” Dumler says.

Grief counseling provides a structured space to discuss your feelings and emotions surrounding loss and its impact on your life. It’s especially helpful when grief:

• Interrupts your daily activities, work, or relationships
• Creates persistent guilt, anxiety, or depression
• Doesn’t seem to be progressing or feels stuck
• Prevents you from forming new relationships or connections
• Triggers thoughts of self-harm or suicide

“Additionally,” says Dumler, “ongoing symptoms of depression, panic attacks, difficulty with basic self-care, or substance use would also indicate that counseling could be beneficial.”

Grief counseling typically involves talk therapy or behavioral therapy methods that help you process grief and view your emotions from new perspectives. The goal is to help you find peace, acceptance, and growth as you learn to function alongside your grief—not to eliminate the grief, but to make it manageable.

With support from a mental health professional, you can heal and discover what possibilities exist on your path forward while still honoring your past.

Frequently asked questions

What emotions are normal when processing grief?

All emotions are normal when grieving, including sadness, anger, guilt, shame, numbness, anxiety, relief, and peace. People often experience multiple emotions at once or in rapid succession—you might feel conflicting emotions simultaneously, like relief and guilt. Every person’s grieving experience is different.

Why do I feel guilty while processing grief?

Guilt during grief often stems from feeling like you’re abandoning your loss by moving forward, or from replaying moments and wishing you’d done something differently. These feelings are common but don’t reflect reality—moving forward actually honors your loss rather than erasing it.

How do I start to process grief when I feel numb?

Start with one small, manageable action per day—take a short walk, call a trusted friend, or research grief therapists. Numbness makes everything feel overwhelming, so focus on tiny steps that help thaw the numbness gradually rather than forcing yourself to feel everything at once.

How long does it take to process grief after losing someone?

Acute, intense grief typically lasts a few months to a year, though this timeline varies widely based on individual circumstances and support systems. Grief doesn’t disappear after this period—it transforms into something more manageable that you carry with you through life. The goal isn’t to eliminate grief entirely but to integrate it into your life in healthy ways.

Is crying the only way to process grief?

No, journaling, creating art, therapy, support groups, meditation, physical activity, and spending time in nature can all help process grief effectively. Different people need different outlets, and a mental health provider can help you identify which approaches work best for your specific situation.