“I hate myself”: Why you might feel this way and how to cope

The meaning behind the feeling 

If this thought resonates with you, it’s worth digging into what specific factors are making you feel this way, says Maddy Brener, Psy.D., licensed clinical psychologist at Thriveworks. Because when you think “I hate myself,” you’re probably not referring to every single thing about who you are. “Our brains love all-or-nothing language,” Dr. Brener says. “But what specifically do you hate?” There can be multiple targets of the feeling—how you act, the choices you’ve made, the way you look, how others respond to you—buried under the harsh shorthand.

Where does self-hatred come from?

Your early experiences play a huge role in cultivating the type of negative self-talk and low self-esteem that can manifest as self-hatred. As Dr. Brener puts it, “you probably weren’t born hating your thighs”—or any other part of you. The messages we’re exposed to early on can become part of our own inner voice later in life. For example, maybe you grew up around constant criticism, pressure to achieve, or adults who openly picked themselves apart in front of the mirror. Or it’s possible your culture treated certain identities, emotions, choices, or physical features as defective or shameful.

Adverse experiences like abuse, bullying, neglect, rejection, or other trauma can also contribute to lower self-worth and even self-hatred as a protective measure. “It’s like, ‘If I can beat myself to that hatred before anyone else does, maybe the blow won’t hurt as much,” Kritsas says.

Certain mental health conditions can also be closely tied up in these feelings, and not just because of the negative stigma surrounding people with mental illness. Depression, for example, often presents with low self-esteem, Dr. Brener notes, and it can make us more susceptible to negative observations and interpretations. Research shows that eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia nervosa can be linked with self-disgust and self-hatred, especially around body image. Meanwhile, conditions like ADHD and borderline personality disorder can lead to internalizing feelings of shame and defectiveness, Dr. Brener adds.

How to actually overcome self-hatred

Getting to the bottom of this feeling is an important part of the work, so professional support can be a huge help, according to the experts. That might include unpacking internalized beliefs with narrative therapy, challenging negative thought patterns with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or treating any underlying mental health conditions with the help of a psychiatrist. A professional will also watch out for signs of suicidal ideation, Kritsas notes, which can also be associated with feelings of self-hate.

Above all, navigating these feelings with someone you trust can be easier and more productive than trying to work through them on your own. “When you’re in a place of self-hatred, it can become so dark and heavy that it’s hard to work through it on your own,” Kritsas says. A therapist can offer outside perspective when you’re struggling to push back against your own thoughts—especially if you don’t feel you deserve support in the first place.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t little things you can do in the meantime, or if therapy is inaccessible. In fact, micro strategies are actually a huge part of the process. “If you’re starting from using a word as powerful as hate, sometimes you have to take the babiest of baby steps,” Dr. Brener says. “Nothing big changes without small things happening first.”

Here are some techniques for challenging the hateful voice in your head, little by little:

1. Journal about the feelings and factors behind “I hate myself”.

When self-hatred comes up, writing can be a way to reflect on questions like:

• What other feelings are coming up right now?
• What, specifically, is bringing up those feelings?

Answering those questions might feel less intense and more manageable than vague clouds of self-hatred. (Just make sure to set a time or page limit when doing this work solo, Kritsas recommends, or else you risk ruminating on the feeling.)

Journaling like this often helps you separate facts from feelings and catch yourself in negative thought patterns, Kritsas adds. For example, if you’re spiraling into self-hatred after feeling excluded or rejected, journaling can help you zoom in on the trigger (like your friends hanging out without you or an awkward social encounter) or the feeling beneath it (like hurt, embarrassment, or confusion) instead of treating one painful moment as proof that something’s wrong with you.

2. Aim for neutral over positive.

When self-hatred is your baseline, the first step is starting to treat yourself a little better. But jumping straight to positive affirmations or even the frequently-recommended “talk to yourself like you would a friend” can sometimes feel disingenuous. Instead, Dr. Brener suggests lowering the bar: “Treat yourself as well as you would a well-tolerated coworker.”

Think basic decency and peaceful coexistence: not rolling your eyes at every mistake, not lobbing around random insults, maybe even extending some patience or friendliness. “If they need to borrow a pen, you’ll give them a pen—maybe not your best one, but you’re not going to be a jerk to them, either,” Dr. Brener says.

3. Ask yourself where you learned to hate yourself.

When we recognize that there are forces outside ourselves at work, our inner critic can lose some of its power, Dr. Brener explains. So next time you’re feeling particularly self-loathing, she recommends asking yourself where this criticism is really coming from.

Is there a specific person or voice you would associate with this hateful rhetoric—like a harsh parent, a critical boss, or a schoolyard bully? Is it possible this self-hatred is stemming from years of cultural messaging telling you that something about yourself is flawed or in need of fixing (so that an industry can profit off those very insecurities)?

4. List out other things you “hate”.

Thoughts like “I’m terrible” or “I ruin everything” or “I hate myself” can reinforce internalized beliefs and make it all the more difficult to unlearn them. One way to challenge these thoughts? Try putting them in perspective.

Dr. Brener recommends considering what else you genuinely hate—and whether you’d actually place yourself in the same category. “I’ve had patients who come into session like, ‘I am the worst person in the world,’” she says. “And I’m like, ‘Did you commit genocide since our last session? Because if not, you’re not even breaking the top ten, dude.’”

5. Pick one thing you genuinely don’t hate about yourself.

Listing out all your best qualities can feel impossible when you’re deep in a self-hate spiral. Instead, Dr. Brener recommends starting much smaller: Pick one thing that feels neutral, tolerable, or maybe even faintly enjoyable about yourself, and lean into it a little more.

Maybe you’re decent at cooking. Maybe you like singing, even if you’re objectively terrible at it. Maybe you can always pull together the sickest outfit no matter how you’re feeling about yourself. Having a reliable way to experience more confidence, joy, creativity, and harmless fun (”that little sparkle,” Dr. Brener calls it) can be a surprisingly effective counterweight to self-hatred.

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

Is it normal to hate yourself?

It’s not uncommon to have the occasional harsh thought like, “I hate myself,” especially after an embarrassing moment, mistake, or bad day. But if you consistently feel strong emotions like shame, worthlessness, disgust, guilt, or anger, that points to something deeper than everyday self-criticism. Even then, it’s not necessarily abnormal—just a sign that something deeper and worthy of support might be going on. Persistent self-hatred is often tied to things like mental illness, low self-esteem, trauma, bullying, or internalized messages from your childhood or environment—and it’s something you can work through and address over time.

What causes self-hatred?

Self-hatred usually develops over time rather than appearing out of nowhere. Early experiences like abuse, neglect, criticism, bullying, and other traumas can shape the way you see yourself. Not to mention, cultural and interpersonal messages around appearance, achievement, identity, or worth can also become internalized and turn into self-hatred over time.

Certain mental health conditions are also closely tied to self-hatred, including depression, eating disorders, ADHD, and borderline personality disorder, all of which can intensify shame, negative self-talk and feelings of defectiveness, especially when untreated.

How do I stop hating myself?

Overcoming self-hatred usually starts with understanding where those feelings are coming from in the first place. Therapy can help you unpack internalized beliefs, challenge harsh thought patterns, and address underlying mental health conditions that may be fueling the feeling.

At the same time, you can also address self-hatred through small steps day to day. That might mean journaling about the origins of the feeling, aiming for neutrality instead of forced positivity, challenging exaggerated self-talk, or spending more time doing things that make you happy.

Is self-hatred a symptom of depression?

It can be. Depression often comes with low self-esteem, shame, hopelessness, harsh self-criticism, and a tendency to interpret your experiences through a more negative lens. In some cases, that can show up as thoughts like “I hate myself,” feelings of worthlessness, or the belief that you’re defective. That said, self-hatred isn’t exclusive to depression—it can also be tied to trauma, anxiety, eating disorders, ADHD, early childhood experiences, or other mental health struggles.