Ask a therapist graphic with Theresa Lupcho, licensed professional counselor

This is a common question, as many people feel uncertain about couples therapy. Is it a dealbreaker? The answer isn’t always straightforward.

While refusing to attend couples therapy can be a red flag, it doesn’t always mean the relationship is doomed. Every couple’s situation is unique, and there are other ways to work on strengthening your relationship if therapy isn’t an option for both partners.

The truth is, you can’t force someone to go to therapy—and even if you did, it wouldn’t be productive. In my experience, when someone is unwilling to engage, therapy often stalls completely. That’s why it’s important to take the time to understand your partner’s perspective; this can be key to finding a way forward together.

Why Your Partner Might Be Reluctant

Many people are hesitant about therapy simply because they’ve never experienced it before. Fear of the unknown can be a powerful barrier. After all, if someone doesn’t fully understand what couples therapy entails, how can they feel comfortable agreeing to go? (If you need help explaining, here’s a great resource.)

There are also other reasons someone might resist the idea of therapy. For example, I recently spoke with someone whose husband was reluctant to attend couples therapy because he grew up believing it was a sign of weakness. Others may find the thought of opening up and being vulnerable intimidating or even scary.

Another common concern is the fear of being labeled the “bad person” in therapy, especially if there’s been a betrayal like cheating. Even without a major event, some partners worry the therapist might automatically side with the person who initiated therapy. In a heterosexual relationship, a male partner might assume that a female therapist will naturally side with his female partner.

Others may resist therapy because they believe the relationship is beyond saving and already have one foot out the door. They may feel, “What’s the point?” While I understand this perspective, it’s important to remember that there’s never a wrong time to try couples therapy. Go before problems escalate. Go even if you think the relationship might end—therapy can help both of you navigate a breakup in a healthy way, if that’s the path you choose.

How to Address the Situation

It’s important to have an open and calm conversation with your partner. Here are five recommendations I often share during counseling:

1. Ask your partner about their reluctance—and truly listen.

Focus on understanding their perspective without feeling the need to agree. It’s OK to have different opinions in a relationship. Approaching the conversation with empathy can create a sense of openness and ease. I’ve heard many people say, “Once I stopped feeling like I had to agree with my partner, things improved significantly.”

2. Share your goals for therapy.

Explain what you hope to work on, why you believe therapy could help, and your vision for the future of your relationship. This can help ease your partner’s concerns and show them the potential benefits

3. Choose together.

As couples therapists, we are trained to remain neutral and ensure both partners feel safe and heard during sessions. However, selecting a therapist together—shopping as a team, so to speak—can make the process more collaborative and help your partner feel more at ease with the idea of therapy.

4. Book your own therapy appointment.

If your partner isn’t willing to attend couples therapy, consider going on your own. Remember, you can’t change someone else—you can only change yourself. Individual therapy can help you improve your communication style, navigate negative feedback from your partner, and develop coping and self-care strategies to better manage the situation.

5. Consider alternatives to therapy.

If your partner isn’t ready for couples therapy, there are other ways to strengthen your relationship. Tools like couples flashcards can spark meaningful conversations, while relationship workbooks provide practical exercises for improving communication and conflict resolution. Attending a retreat or workshop might also be an option, though it can be a harder sell if your partner is hesitant about therapy. Reading a book together is another approachable way to explore your relationship. One I highly recommend is “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John Gottman, which offers actionable insights for building a stronger connection.

When It Might Be a Dealbreaker

In some cases, refusing therapy can signal deeper issues in the relationship. Here are key red flags to watch for:

  • Your partner refuses to address relationship problems entirely.
  • They consistently dismiss your feelings or needs.
  • They show no willingness to make positive changes.
  • There are signs of emotional or physical abuse.

If any of these apply, your priority should be ensuring your safety. If you’re experiencing abuse, reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for support. Additionally, seeking individual therapy can provide tailored guidance and help you navigate your situation effectively.

Therapist’s Final Note

Every relationship is different, and there’s no universal answer to whether a partner’s refusal to attend therapy is a deal breaker. Many couples find therapy transformative for their relationship, but if your partner isn’t willing, start by focusing on what you can control. Open up communication, seek to understand their perspective, and consider individual therapy to work on your own growth and strategies for navigating the situation.