Our therapists provide couples & marriage counseling in Chicago, IL

My go-to approach for helping people in couples/marriage counseling is the Gottman Method. I prefer this approach because it is rooted in extensive research on what makes relationships succeed or fail. The Gottman Method focuses on enhancing friendship, managing conflict, and creating shared meaning in relationships. I find the structured assessment tools provided by the Gottman Method particularly beneficial, as they help identify specific areas of strength and areas for growth in the relationship. By teaching couples practical skills for communication, conflict resolution, and building trust and intimacy, the Gottman Method equips them with the tools they need to navigate challenges and strengthen their bond. Additionally, the Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of rituals of connection and fostering positive interactions to nurture the friendship at the core of the relationship. Overall, the Gottman Method offers a comprehensive and evidence-based approach to couples therapy that can help couples build a more satisfying and enduring relationship.

I teach the following tools in couples/marriage counseling using the Gottman Method:

• The Sound Relationship House: This metaphorical “house” represents the elements necessary for a healthy relationship, including building love maps, sharing fondness and admiration, turning towards each other, managing conflict, making life dreams come true, creating shared meaning, and establishing trust.
• The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: These are communication patterns that can predict the end of a relationship if left unchecked. They include criticism (attacking one's partner's character), contempt (expressing superiority or disdain), defensiveness (denying responsibility or making excuses), and stonewalling (withdrawing or shutting down emotionally).
• Repair attempts: Repair attempts are efforts made by one or both partners to de-escalate tension or conflict during a discussion. They can include humor, affectionate gestures, or acknowledging one's role in the conflict.
• Softened startup: This communication technique involves bringing up issues or complaints in a gentle, non-critical manner, which increases the likelihood of a productive conversation and decreases defensiveness.
• Accepting influence: Partners learn to listen to and consider each other's perspectives and preferences, even when they disagree. Accepting influence fosters compromise and collaboration, strengthening the relationship.
• Turning towards: Partners practice actively engaging with each other's bids for attention, affection, or connection. This involves responding positively to each other's attempts to connect, fostering emotional intimacy and connection.
• Love maps: Couples deepen their understanding of each other's inner worlds, including their likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears. Love maps help partners stay connected and engaged in each other's lives.
• Conflict management skills: Couples learn constructive ways to manage conflicts, including taking breaks when tensions escalate, using “I” statements to express feelings, and engaging in active listening and empathy to understand each other's perspectives.

I know a client is making meaningful progress in couples/marriage counseling when several key indicators aligned with the Gottman Method are observed. Firstly, there is a noticeable decrease in the presence and intensity of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—during conflict discussions. Instead, partners demonstrate greater awareness of these destructive communication patterns and actively work to replace them with healthier alternatives.Additionally, there is an increase in the frequency and effectiveness of repair attempts made by both partners during conflicts. Repair attempts, such as using humor, showing affection, or taking responsibility for one's part in the conflict, help to de-escalate tensions and foster a sense of connection and understanding between partners.Furthermore, partners demonstrate improved communication skills, including the ability to engage in softened startups, accept influence from each other, and turn towards each other's bids for attention and connection. These communication skills promote empathy, validation, and emotional intimacy, laying the foundation for a more satisfying and fulfilling relationship.Moreover, there is evidence of couples successfully implementing Gottman Method interventions and tools in their daily interactions outside of therapy sessions. Partners report feeling more connected, supported, and appreciated by each other, leading to an overall improvement in relationship satisfaction and well-being.Ultimately, meaningful progress in couples/marriage counseling using the Gottman Method is characterized by a reduction in destructive communication patterns, an increase in positive interactions and repair attempts, improved communication and conflict management skills, and a greater sense of connection and intimacy between partners.

Clients can supplement their time in couples/marriage counseling with various activities and practices aligned with the Gottman Method to enhance their progress and reinforce therapeutic gains. They can engage in regular discussions with their partner using Gottman's tools and techniques learned in therapy sessions, such as the softened startup or accepting influence. These discussions can focus on exploring each other's perspectives, needs, and feelings, fostering empathy, understanding, and connection between partners.Clients can also practice active listening and communication skills outside of therapy sessions by setting aside dedicated time for meaningful conversations with their partner. They can use Gottman's communication exercises, such as the “Love Map” or “Dreams Within Conflict” cards, to deepen their understanding of each other's inner worlds and strengthen their emotional bond.The use of Gottman's conflict management strategies in their daily interactions with their partner, such as taking breaks when tensions escalate, using “I” statements to express feelings, and engaging in collaborative problem-solving, can be beneficial as well. They can also make conscious efforts to recognize and address the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—when they arise, promoting healthier and more constructive conflict resolution.Clients may prioritize quality time together and engage in activities that promote positive interactions and shared experiences, such as date nights, shared hobbies, or weekend getaways. These activities help couples build fondness and admiration for each other, strengthen their friendship, and create cherished memories that contribute to a resilient and fulfilling relationship.Ultimately, by actively engaging in these supplemental activities and practices outside of therapy sessions, clients can reinforce the skills and principles learned in couples/marriage counseling, deepen their emotional connection with their partner, and promote long-term relationship satisfaction and stability.

To prepare for your first couples/marriage counseling session using the Gottman Method, you can take several steps to ensure a productive and meaningful experience. Firstly, take some time to reflect on your relationship and identify specific areas of concern or issues you would like to address in therapy. Consider what you hope to achieve from counseling and any goals you have for improving your relationship.Next, discuss with your partner the importance of attending counseling together and the commitment required to actively participate in the process. It's essential to approach counseling with an open mind and a willingness to engage in self-reflection and growth.Additionally, familiarize yourself with the Gottman Method and its core principles, such as the Sound Relationship House Theory, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and the importance of bids for connection and emotional responsiveness. This will help you understand the framework and goals of therapy and empower you to actively participate in the process.Before your first session, consider jotting down any questions, concerns, or topics you would like to discuss with the therapist. Having a list of talking points can help you stay focused and make the most of your time in therapy.Finally, create a supportive and conducive environment for your counseling sessions. Choose a comfortable and private space where you and your partner can engage in open and honest dialogue without distractions or interruptions.By proactively preparing for your first couples/marriage counseling session in this way, you can set a positive tone for your therapeutic journey and maximize the potential for meaningful progress and growth in your relationship.