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Sometimes, a relationship with a parent reaches a breaking point. Maybe your mom just doesn’t seem to hear you, no matter how many times you try to explain. Maybe your dad’s constant political remarks leave you feeling frustrated or unheard every time you talk. Or perhaps you’ve tried to open up about a painful childhood memory, only to have your experience dismissed—or even denied.
You might also be a parent, feeling confused and hurt because your child has started to pull away, and you can’t pinpoint what went wrong or why the distance has grown.
No matter which side you’re on, parental estrangement can bring up a storm of emotions—confusion, sadness, anger, and even relief. All of these feelings are real, and they matter. In this article, we’ll explore what parental estrangement really means, why it happens, and what steps you might consider if you’re hoping for reconciliation.
What Is Parental Estrangement?
Parental estrangement, a form of family estrangement, occurs when parents and adult children either cut off contact completely or limit their interactions, all while maintaining a strained or poor-quality relationship. “Parental estrangement is a state of emotional and physical distancing,” says life coach Sheri McGregor, MA, author of the Done With The Crying books for parents of estranged adult children.
Limited contact—sometimes called “semi-estrangement”—might involve sporadic communication, such as a child simply informing a parent that they’re alive, in jail, or have moved to a new place, McGregor notes. In some cases, people may even live close to each other, like in the same household, yet have no meaningful contact at all.
How Common Is Estrangement from Parents?
Parental estrangement is more common than many people realize. Several large studies and surveys report that about one in four adults are estranged from at least one family member. When it comes to parents specifically, here’s what the data shows:
- Estranged from mother: About 6% of U.S. adults—roughly 16 million people—have experienced being estranged from their mother at some point in their lives, with estrangement beginning at an average age of 26.
- Estranged from father: About 26%—or nearly 68 million adults—have been estranged from their father, typically starting around age 23.
Interest in the topic of parental estrangement has grown in recent years. Social media and popular articles have brought more attention to the experience, while “therapy-speak” has made concepts like estrangement part of everyday conversation.
Joshua Coleman, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Rules of Estrangement, explains:
“On top of that, we have growing feelings of alienation, distrust of institutions (of which family and marriage can get lumped into), and a rise in mental illness—these are all factors in a stew that makes the possibility of parental estrangement more likely. In the current environment, parental estrangement is touted as a pathway toward happiness, health, and personal growth.”
As awareness grows, more people are recognizing and naming their own experiences of being estranged from a mother, father, or other family members.
How Is Parental Estrangement Different Than Normal Family Conflict?
Parental estrangement goes far beyond a typical family argument. “Parental estrangement is not just a little tiff,” McGregor says. “Outsiders might ask a parent, ‘Why don’t you just say you’re sorry and everything will be fine?’” But the reality is rarely that simple—estrangement usually stems from deeply rooted, long-standing conflicts.
Cutting off parents (or a parent) is a serious decision, not made lightly. “Sometimes there’s been years of turmoil, emotional manipulation, and unkindness, and that final step of walking away is the result of a lot of things that have happened. It’s the final blow to a much bigger drama that unfolded,” McGregor explains.
Common Causes of Parental Estrangement
Parental estrangement can arise from many sources, often involving complex family dynamics, past trauma, boundary violations, and deep differences in values or expectations. Cutting off parents is rarely a simple or impulsive decision; it’s typically the result of long-standing issues that have built up over time.
Research shows that parents and adult children often see the causes of estrangement differently. Parents may point to a child’s relationships or perceived entitlement, while adult children more commonly cite toxic parental behavior, emotional abuse, or feeling unsupported and unaccepted. Here are some of the most common reasons people become estranged from a mother or father:
- Trauma, such as abuse or neglect: Abuse can be emotional, physical, sexual, financial, or take other forms. For many, estrangement is a necessary step for safety and healing.
- Divorce: Marital conflict and divorce often disrupt parent-child relationships. Children may feel forced to take sides, or a parent may speak negatively about the other, leading to fractured bonds that persist into adulthood.
- Incarceration: If a parent or child has been incarcerated, the other may choose to cut ties for their own or their family’s safety.
- Boundary violations: Overbearing or enmeshed parents who don’t respect boundaries can push adult children to distance themselves, sometimes permanently.
- Religious differences: Major shifts in religious beliefs—whether leaving the family faith or becoming more devout—can lead to conflict and estrangement.
- Cultural differences: Disagreements over cultural expectations, such as marriage choices or family roles, can create lasting rifts.
- Sexual or gender identity differences: If an adult child’s identity is not accepted by their parents, either party may initiate no-contact.
- Political differences: Deep divides over political beliefs can lead to frequent arguments, with estrangement sometimes used to avoid ongoing conflict.
- Mental illness or substance abuse: These issues can strain relationships, especially if they lead to mistreatment or instability in the family.
- Third-party influence: Sometimes, a spouse or even a therapist may encourage or support the decision to cut off a parent.
Parental estrangement is often the “final straw”—a last resort after repeated attempts to repair the relationship have failed. For some, it’s a step back that allows space for healing, self-care, and reflection.
As Theresa Lupcho, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks, explains: “Sometimes, going no contact can bring clarity, help you establish boundaries, give you a chance to practice self-care, and allow you to explore therapy.” Whether reconciliation is possible depends on the unique circumstances behind the estrangement, which are different for everyone.
Types and Patterns of Parental Estrangement
Parental estrangement can take many forms and often reflects broader family dynamics. Recent research highlights how patterns of estrangement differ based on the gender of both the parent and the adult child.
- Mother-daughter estrangement: This occurs when an adult daughter cuts off contact with her mother. While it does happen, it is less common than mother-son estrangement. Cultural expectations often place the responsibility for maintaining family ties on women, which may make daughters less likely to become estranged from their mothers.
- Mother-son estrangement: Sons are actually more likely than daughters to become estranged from their mothers, according to the research. This may be due to differences in how sons and daughters are socialized to maintain family connections.
- Father-daughter estrangement: About 28% of daughters who reported estrangement were estranged from their fathers. This pattern is more common than father-son estrangement, possibly reflecting different expectations or dynamics in father-daughter relationships.
- Father-son estrangement: While less common than father-daughter estrangement, some sons do become estranged from their fathers. Same-gender solidarity may play a role in keeping some father-son relationships intact.
- Other patterns: Estrangement can also extend beyond parents to include in-laws, which may create additional challenges within the family system.
The Mental Health Impacts of Parental Estrangement
Parental estrangement can have significant mental health consequences for everyone involved. Research shows it can lead to:
- Lower life satisfaction
- Increased feelings of depression
- A deep sense of loss
- Greater perceptions of stigma and isolation
“Parental estrangement has cataclysmic effects on the entire family system,” Coleman says. Siblings may feel pressured to take sides. Grandchildren can lose contact with grandparents. Even the spouse of the estranged parent may find themselves caught in the middle. “There’s a larger systemic effect than just the two people this is centered around,” Coleman explains.
If you’re considering cutting off a parent, it can sometimes help to communicate your feelings and intentions first. Letting the other person know you’re thinking about estrangement gives them a chance to reflect, make changes, and work on the relationship. “Not everyone will take it, of course,” Coleman notes, “but it can be worth a shot.”
Parental estrangement is rarely a simple or easy decision, and its ripple effects can touch many lives. If you’re navigating this experience, know that your feelings are valid—and you’re not alone.
Is Estrangement a Form of Abuse?
Estrangement can be a form of abuse in certain situations. According to McGregor, if someone cuts off contact as a way to emotionally manipulate or punish another person—such as by deliberately keeping grandchildren away—this behavior can be abusive. However, context matters. If a parent was emotionally or physically abusive, it may be reasonable and necessary to limit contact or keep children away for safety.
McGregor also notes that abuse can occur in the opposite direction: adult children may physically abuse their parents, though this is often hidden due to fear of judgment.
In summary, estrangement is not always abuse, but it can be used as a tool for emotional harm depending on the circumstances.
How to Reconcile After Parental Estrangement: 8 Expert Tips
Reconciliation after parental estrangement is possible—if both parties are willing to try. Every relationship is unique, and healing takes time and effort. Encouragingly, research suggests that most people do eventually reconnect: more than 80% of adult children reconcile with their mothers, and 69% with their fathers. It’s also common for people to move in and out of estrangement over time.
If you’re considering reconnecting, these tips can help guide your next steps:
1. Take a step back and reflect.
If you’re the parent, resist the urge to immediately “fix” things. Instead, pause, seek support, and give yourself space to see the situation more clearly, McGregor says.
2. Prioritize self-care.
Focus on your own well-being. Consider individual therapy, nurture other supportive relationships, and engage in activities that help you heal, Lupcho suggests.
3. Clearly express your intention to reconnect.
If you want to rebuild the relationship, say so. “Convey your desire to be close again and your willingness to work on it,” McGregor says. If you’re the adult child, don’t wait too long—time can make reconnection more difficult as life changes.
4. Offer a sincere apology, if appropriate.
If you understand your role in the estrangement, a genuine apology can go a long way. This isn’t about taking all the blame, but acknowledging your part. For example: “I’m sorry I wasn’t emotionally available during that time. I wish things had been different, and I hope you can understand I was struggling too.”
5. Meet in a neutral, comfortable setting.
Choosing a neutral place for your first meeting can help set healthy boundaries and make both parties feel safer, Lupcho says.
6. Avoid diagnosing or labeling.
Steer clear of statements like “You’re a narcissist” or “You’re a toxic parent,” Coleman says. These labels only create defensiveness and make reconciliation harder.
7. Use “I” statements to share your feelings.
Communicate your experience without blaming. For example: “When this happens, I feel hurt,” or “This is how I experienced things, and it affected me.”
8. Set and communicate clear boundaries.
Boundaries are essential for a healthier relationship. For instance, if past criticism about your weight was hurtful, you might say, “It makes me uncomfortable when you comment on my weight. If it continues, I’ll need to end the conversation.” As Lupcho notes, it can take time for others to adjust, so be patient and consistent.
How Therapy Can Help for Parental Estrangement
Therapy for estranged parents can be a powerful tool in navigating the challenges of family disconnection. A neutral third party—such as a therapist, counselor, or coach—can offer a safe, structured space to help both sides communicate more effectively and work toward a shared goal. “This can provide a fresh, safe space to negotiate your way forward,” McGregor says.
Types of Therapy for Estranged Parents
- Reunification therapy: This specialized family therapy focuses on rebuilding trust, improving communication, and repairing emotional bonds between estranged parents and children. Sessions are tailored to address the unique issues in each relationship, often involving both joint and individual meetings.
- Individual therapy: Working one-on-one with a therapist allows you to explore your own feelings, process grief or anger, and develop coping strategies. “You can use therapy as a time to look at what’s underneath your emotions,” Lupcho says. For example, a therapist can help you identify whether anger is rooted in loneliness, sadness, or disappointment.
- Support groups: Joining a peer support group or reading books about estrangement can help you feel less alone and offer practical advice from others who understand what you’re going through.
It’s important to remember that therapy can’t force someone to change if they’re not willing, and sometimes family therapy can bring up painful issues that need careful handling, McGregor notes. Still, therapy for estranged parents can help you gain acceptance of your current situation, set healthy boundaries, and create space for healing—even if reconciliation isn’t immediately possible.
Therapy offers hope and practical tools for navigating the complex emotions of estrangement, supporting both personal growth and the possibility of rebuilding family connections.
Parental Estrangement: The TL;DR
Parental estrangement is more common than many realize, and its effects can ripple through entire families. While there are steps you can take to rebuild contact, the most important first step is to focus on your own well-being.
As McGregor advises, “Working with a therapist or someone in the helping field can help you feel better about yourself, whether or not reconciliation eventually happens.” Prioritizing your own healing lays the foundation for whatever comes next.
