11 emotional manipulation tactics: What they look like and how to respond

What is emotional manipulation?

Emotional manipulation is when someone uses psychological tactics to control how you think, feel, or act, usually for their own benefit. The goal isn’t just to hurt your feelings. It’s to erode your sense of self: your confidence, your grasp on reality, and your ability to make decisions independently.

“Emotional manipulation often happens in close relationships where the manipulative person has insight into your vulnerabilities,” says Whitney McSparran, a licensed professional clinical counselor at Thriveworks.

“Though people frequently bring up patterns like gaslighting, love-bombing, or the silent treatment, there’s no limit to what behavior can be used,” she says. “It’s helpful to think about these tactics based on their purpose: Are they meant to hurt, convince, or control?”

A real example: When “I hate salmon” becomes “I never said that”

“I’ve seen countless examples of emotional manipulation in my work,” McSparran says. “In one case, my client—let’s call her ‘Diane’—made salmon for dinner. Her husband ‘Jack’ got angry, claiming he’d told her ‘a million times’ that he hates salmon.”

Diane didn’t remember Jack ever mentioning this, and when she told him that, “he made her feel guilty, stupid, and unsure of herself,” McSparran says.

The following week, Jack happily ate salmon at a friend’s house—and asked Diane why she never makes it. When Diane questioned him, he claimed he never said he didn’t like salmon and that she was “being crazy.”

This is an example of gaslighting. Jack was using emotional manipulation to make Diane doubt her own judgment and perception.

Gaslighting is just one of many manipulation tactics. Here are 11 of the most common, plus exactly what they look like in real relationships.

11 common emotional manipulation tactics

1. Gaslighting: Making you question your reality

Gaslighting occurs when someone tries to convince you of a “truth” or reality that is objectively false, with the aim of making you question your own judgment and perception.

This might look like:

• “You’re remembering it wrong.”
• “You’re overreacting.”
• “You’re not making any sense.”

“When we feel unsure, our brains naturally look to others for confirmation,” says Hallie Kritsas, a licensed mental health counselor at Thriveworks.”This is what makes gaslighting so effective—manipulators sow doubt and break down your faith in your own perception.”

McSparran adds: “Our ability to decide what’s true is foundational to feeling safe and secure. Undermining that capacity leaves people unmoored, uncertain, and open to influence.”

2. Playing the victim: Deflecting responsibility

When someone “plays the victim,” they flip the script—portraying themselves as the hurt or wronged party to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.

This might look like:

• Getting angry or ignoring you when you bring up their behavior
• “You expect way too much of me. Can’t you see you’re stressing me out?”
• “Stop yelling at me—you know it makes me upset”

When someone plays the victim, they’re attempting to get out of taking responsibility for their actions and instead shift the conversation’s focus to their own emotions. “This can activate the caretaking side of the true victim, making them feel like they need to apologize for bringing attention to bad behavior,” Kritsas says.

3. Guilt-tripping: Using your conscience against you

Guilt-tripping uses guilt and shame to manipulate you into doing what the other person wants. This tactic takes advantage of your empathy, causing you to disregard logic or your own needs to make them happy.

This might look like:

• “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”
• “You never make time for me. Don’t you love me?”

“Both guilt-tripping and playing the victim position one person as the ‘victim’ and the other as the ‘bad guy,’” McSparran says. “The ‘bad guy’ is made to feel terrible and forced to appease the ‘victim’—regardless of what actually occurred.”

4. Love-bombing: Overwhelming affection with strings attached

Love-bombing is when someone uses overly affectionate or generous behavior, such as gift-giving or dramatic emotional proclamations, early on in a relationship to create emotional dependency.

This might look like:

• Giving numerous expensive gifts
• Saying “I love you” or “I can’t live without you” within days of meeting
• Booking a vacation together after two dates or planning your future before you’ve established a relationship

These grand, unreciprocated gestures are attempts to inspire deep emotion on a quick timeline as a way of forcing intense affection to develop. When the gift-giving or intense emotionality pulls back, it makes you question the shift and wonder if something has changed in their perception of you.

5. Triangulation: Creating competition and insecurity

Manipulators may bring another person into a disagreement to affirm their side. They might threaten to “reveal” your true self to those close to you if you don’t fulfill their expectations or attempt to convince you that no one would take your side if they knew the “full story.”

This might look like:

• Telling friends about your “bad behavior”
• Telling mutual friends, “They’re actually the controlling one. I’m just trying to protect myself”
• Threatening to “expose you” to people in your life

“This dynamic is often part of a larger campaign of criticism, attacks on self-esteem, or deliberate humiliation that aims to change not only other people’s perception of you, but your perception of yourself,” McSparran says. “By lowering your belief in yourself, manipulators can foster a sense of powerlessness that allows them to maintain power and control.”

6. Silent treatment: Weaponizing withdrawal

The silent treatment is when someone ignores you or ices you out, rather than talking about what’s bothering them. It’s often used as a form of punishment that puts the responsibility on you to “repair” or “fix” things, making the manipulative person’s emotions your responsibility.

This might look like:

• Refusing to make eye contact or speak to you
• Talking to others while dismissing your comments or questions
• Ignoring texts for days or weeks

The threat of silence or even an eventual emotional explosion creates an unstable, unsafe emotional environment. This volatility makes it so that managing their emotions [whose emotions?] is the only way to protect your own well-being. It also shows you that their love and acceptance are conditional, hinging on your ability to take care of their emotions.

7. Passive aggression: Hidden hostility

Passive-aggressive behavior involves the use of body language and behaviors that signal that something is wrong, but refusing to admit or call direct attention to it.

This might look like:

• “Nice of you to finally show up” or “Sure, whatever you want” (said in a dismissive tone)
• Moody or upset behavior (while insisting they’re “fine”)
• Saying they don’t care where you go for dinner, then being cold and withdrawn when you pick a restaurant

The indirect nature of the behavior is meant to make the other person dig at the issue and attempt to fix it, either out of empathy for the passive-aggressive person’s emotions or to protect themselves from the hurt that behavior is causing.

8. Moving the goalposts: Constantly changing expectations

Emotional manipulators set unrealistic or constantly shifting expectations. By changing what they expect from you, they ensure you’re either giving more and more—or always in the wrong for honoring your own needs.

This might look like:

• “I know you said you couldn’t be here until 5 p.m., but I really need you here by 3 p.m..”
• “If you actually cared about me, you’d see me every day, not just when you feel up to it.”
• “Why didn’t you call me? Even if I didn’t text you, you should have known I needed to talk.”

This behavior consistently puts others in awkward or uncomfortable situations, forcing them to acquiesce to the new standards or face consequences. By making it more and more difficult to maintain boundaries, manipulators gain an advantage that allows them to maintain the emotional power in the relationship.

9. Projection: Blaming you for their behavior

Emotionally manipulative people rarely take responsibility for their actions, instead making their behavior your problem. To shift blame away from them and onto you, they’ll often find ways in which you’re to blame for their mistakes or shortcomings.

This might look like:

• “See what you did? I’d never act like this if you just listened to me.”
• “You’re always nagging me, and now I’m the bad guy for getting upset?”
• “If you didn’t make me do so much for you, I wouldn’t be late all the time.”

Putting you in the wrong gives them a moral high ground. They might manufacture these “mistakes” or “flaws” so that they can hold them over you later.

10. Isolation: Cutting you off from support

Isolation is one of the most effective tools in a manipulator’s arsenal. When other people and opinions are taken out of the conversation, arguments and disagreements become “their word versus yours,” a much easier dynamic to take control of.

This might look like:

• “Your friends take too much of your time. Wouldn’t you rather be with me?”
• “I’m the only one who understands you.”
• “No one will believe you.”

Isolation from friends and loved ones make it much harder for you to seek help and advice. Without love and support from outside relationships, your social and emotional well-being becomes entirely tied to the other person.

11. Intermittent reinforcement: The push-pull pattern

Emotional manipulators want control over a relationship’s narrative: what’s bad, what’s good, what behavior is or isn’t allowed. To establish themselves as the emotional authority in the relationship, they’ll often use intermittent reinforcement—giving love and affection when they see fit, then taking it away, causing you to come and seek it from them.

This might look like:

• Shutting down when you “mess up” until you make it up to them
• Getting upset about how little time you spend with them, then acting like nothing is wrong when you’re together
• Acting especially lovey (or cold), then changing their behavior out of nowhere

Many of the manipulation tactics described above work in tandem to deflect blame, isolate the manipulated party, or warp facts to fit a certain narrative, all in an attempt to exert power and control. “Manipulators want to be perceived as the ultimate source of truth,” McSparran says. “One that needs no proof or justification for their beliefs and behavior.”

Manipulation vs healthy conflict: How to tell the difference

Healthy conflict plays a part in any relationship, but it’s important to recognize when conflict goes from constructive to manipulative. Here are the main differences between healthy disagreement and emotional manipulation:

Manipulation in conflict often moves away from the original issue entirely. The manipulative person might change topics completely or shut the conversation down: “You always pick fights,” or “I don’t have to listen to this.”

Healthy conflict is collaborative: Both people take ownership and engage with empathy. If one person is always “wrong” or conversations feel one-sided, that’s a sign something bigger is wrong.

How to respond when someone uses manipulation tactics

The most effective response to emotional manipulation is coming into conversations with clarity about your own experience—and protecting that clarity when someone tries to distort it. Here’s how:

1. Name what’s happening (internally first).

The first step to standing up to emotional manipulation is to put a name to it. To start, you could ask yourself: “Do I ever feel anxious or confused after any interaction with this person?”

Once you establish that this is what’s happening, you now have a foundation to stand on, allowing you to stop second-guessing yourself as you navigate the nuances of their behavior.

A strategy that can help with this is called reality anchoring, or “fact vs. feeling” statements. Kritsas explains how it works: “A reality anchoring statement could look like, ‘I know what I experienced, even if you have a different perception or feeling about it.’” Statements like these can help validate your experiences internally, giving you a sense of confidence and security.

2. Document the pattern.

Once you’re aware of what’s happening, it can be helpful to gather some evidence so you can track specific behaviors. It can be hard to identify patterns of behavior in the moment, which then makes it difficult to back up your points and experiences in discussions.

When communication goes wrong, or there are instances of manipulative behavior like gaslighting or passive aggression, keep a note of what triggered the behavior (if you know), what the behavior was, and when it occurred.

You shouldn’t have to justify your experiences, but having a track record of problem behavior can help you discern exactly what’s going on and how best to move forward.

3. Try the gray rock technique for repeat offenders.

If someone repeatedly uses manipulation tactics, this next strategy can help:

“Gray rocking is typically the first skill I educate my clients on,” McSparran says. “Gray rocking is the process of deliberately emotionally disengaging from manipulation tactics.

“This can look like not emotionally reacting, not engaging in baiting conversations or patterns, and keeping interactions neutral or surface level. In the above example, this could look like Diane not reacting emotionally and keeping her response brief and neutral by saying, ‘Noted.’”

This behavior is not meant to be passive-aggressive—by not engaging in behaviors that are clearly meant to spark conflict or a reaction, you are taking away a bid for power and protecting yourself from further manipulative behavior.

4. Set clear boundaries—and follow through.

Manipulators constantly seek to push boundaries, which means that yours need to be clear and solid, with consequences ready for when they’re broken.

An example of a boundary statement could be: “I am not willing to have this conversation if I am going to be dismissed, interrupted, or blamed.” If any of those occur, make sure you stand firm (personal safety allowing) and stick to your established consequence. Whether this involves ending the conversation, leaving the room, going somewhere to cool off, etc., these consequences are meant to keep you and your emotions safe.

5. Get support from people outside the relationship.

Manipulation thrives in isolation. Maintain or rebuild connections with friends, family, or a therapist—ideally, people who can offer an objective perspective on what’s happening.

Talking about your experiences with others can give you a more objective view of your circumstances and will often give you a level of emotional validation and support as you navigate these challenges.

It is crucial to bear in mind that anyone can fall victim to manipulation, and the responsibility lies with the manipulator’s behavior, not the character of the victim. Developing awareness and the ability to recognize manipulative tactics can serve as a defense against emotional manipulation.

When manipulation becomes abuse

Emotional manipulation and abuse often overlap. If someone’s words or actions become threatening, physically violent, or prevent you from leaving or seeking help, that’s abuse—and you need professional support to navigate it safely.

If you are worried for your personal well-being and safety, resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or institutions local to your area are available to you. If you are in immediate physical danger, call 911.

Can therapy help with emotional manipulation?

Yes, therapy can help both people experiencing manipulation and those using it (if they’re willing to change). A therapist can help you identify unhealthy patterns, develop communication skills, and create strategies to protect yourself.

You can seek help even if you’re unsure what you’re dealing with. “You don’t have to be sure that you are experiencing emotional manipulation to seek help,” assures McSparran. “If your interactions with someone leave you feeling disempowered, confused, or off-balance, having a professional’s perspective can help you explore what unhealthy patterns may exist and how you can adapt and respond while preserving your safety and sanity.”