What a trauma therapist wants to tell survivors of sexual assault

Whenever another sexual assault case enters the news cycle, it can impact survivors in profound ways. Because amidst the outrage and the countless stories of solidarity is a steady stream of victim-blaming in the public discourse that survivors of sexual assault know all too well.

Did they report it? When? What happened next? Who should we believe? Does that really count?

All of this is especially harmful discourse to survivors, who often have already spent years rationalizing, invalidating, and questioning their own experiences.

As a psychotherapist specializing in women’s trauma, I’ve worked with countless women navigating the aftermath of sexual violence. So much of this work involves helping women make sense of their experience, process the impact, and work through negative internalized beliefs about themselves as a result. What gets lost in these public conversations is how nuanced and complicated these experiences can be. With that in mind, here are five things I wish survivors of sexual assault knew.

1. It wasn’t your fault, even if you think you could have prevented it.

One of the most common themes I encounter in my work is self-blame. You might find yourself replaying everything leading up to the assault, wondering if there was anything you could have done differently.

But it’s so important to remember this: self-blame can create an illusion of control. It makes us think, “If I can just figure out what I did wrong, I can prevent this from happening again.” Believing that you could have prevented what happened can feel less scary than acknowledging that you may not have had control over the situation.

It’s also important to understand that our responses to high stress situations aren’t always within our conscious control—they’re controlled by our autonomic nervous system. Maybe you experienced a freeze response where you couldn’t move or speak. Maybe resisting felt dangerous. No matter the “could have, would have, should haves” you run through, it wasn’t your fault. And it’s not on survivors to prevent sexual assault—it’s on perpetrators to not assault.

If you’re finding yourself questioning what you could have done differently, consider whether you’re holding yourself responsible for someone else’s decision to violate your boundaries.

2. It can take time to recognize what happened as sexual assault.

There’s a misconception that sexual violence is immediately recognizable. In reality, it’s much more complicated, especially when it’s someone you knew and trusted. According to RAINN, FBI crime data estimates that 76% of sexual violence is committed by someone the survivor knows.

You might find yourself initially minimizing the experience, because it doesn’t align with what you thought sexual violence would look like. Because it wasn’t centered on physical force or an attack by a stranger. This can make it difficult to recognize experiences where you were coerced, especially if there wasn’t a verbal “no.”

It’s important to recognize that consent isn’t just the absence of “no”. It requires voluntary agreement, without pressure, intimidation, or coercion. It also requires that you’re cognizant of what you’re saying yes to.

Given the narrow view of sexual violence that many of us grew up with, you may not have had the language to make sense of your experience until months or even years after it happened. Recognizing an experience as sexual assault later on doesn’t make it any less real or serious.

“If you’re finding yourself questioning what you could have done differently, consider whether you’re holding yourself responsible for someone else’s decision to violate your boundaries.”

Debbie Missud, LMHC-D

3. Your response during or after an assault doesn’t determine whether it happened or not.

One of the most harmful misconceptions about sexual assault is the expectation that survivors should respond in a particular way. If a survivor didn’t fight back or if they still kept in contact with the person who harmed them, people can be quick to question their experience.

To reiterate, your nervous system doesn’t always respond to danger in a way that makes sense to us. Freezing or fawning (complying) can be automatic responses rather than voluntary ones.

The same is true after an assault. You might continue communicating with the person who harmed you for a multitude of reasons. Maybe you run in the same social circle or have an existing relationship. Maybe it feels safer to return to your normal routine and to appear unaffected from the outside, despite the pain you feel on the inside.

These behaviors don’t tell us whether someone was assaulted or how badly they were affected by what happened. It just reiterates how nuanced these situations can be.

4. You don’t have to report an assault to deserve support.

When a sexual assault case becomes public, many people respond by questioning whether it was reported, and if so, how quickly. But reporting sexual assault is an incredibly personal decision that carries a significant psychological toll and can be traumatic in and of itself.

There are a multitude of reasons why someone may choose not to report their assault. Survivors often encounter disbelief, victim-blaming, drawn-out processes, and institutions that cause more harm to the survivor than the perpetrator. Even when institutions do respond appropriately, the investigation and legal process can be emotionally draining, without any guarantee of a particular outcome.

Sexual assault often comes with a profound loss of control. In the aftermath, having the freedom to decide what happens next can be an important and emotionally reparative part of recovery.

If you’re unsure whether you want to report, a confidential sexual assault advocate can help you understand your options without pushing you in a particular direction (you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673). There may be limits to confidentiality or legal reporting requirements in certain circumstances, so it’s worth asking about these before disclosing details.

Ultimately, choosing not to report doesn’t mean what happened wasn’t serious, and you don’t need to pursue legal action to deserve support.

5. You don’t need to find greater meaning or forgive who hurt you in order to heal.

There can be considerable pressure on survivors to forgive the person who assaulted them, or to find some meaning from their painful experiences. But forgiveness isn’t a prerequisite for trauma recovery, and your experience doesn’t need to become part of some bigger growth-oriented character development arc.

Healing is about changing the relationship you have with the experience itself, rather than your relationship with the person who harmed you. This can look like being able to remember what happened without feeling the same level of distress, rebuilding trust in yourself and in others, or letting go of negative beliefs, shame, and self-blame that you’ve internalized as a result.

Recovery from trauma is an individual process, with no one-size-fits-all path. You can acknowledge that something happened to you that you didn’t deserve, without forgiving the person responsible or finding anything positive about the experience.

“Forgiveness isn’t a prerequisite for trauma recovery, and your experience doesn’t need to become part of some bigger growth-oriented character development arc.”

Debbie Missud, LMHC-D

All-in-all, sexual trauma is complex, and no two people who have experienced it will respond to it in exactly the same way. The more we try to fit people into the narrow boxes of what we think sexual trauma and its aftermath should look like, the more we perpetuate the shame and self-doubt survivors already carry.

If you’ve experienced sexual assault, I hope you know that you don’t have to justify your experience or respond in any particular way for what happened to you to matter. You deserve to be believed and supported on your own terms, no matter what.