75+ questions to bring you closer to your partner—from dating to marriage

Why Deep and Intimate Questions Bring Couples Closer

Intimacy involves being vulnerable and opening up to your partner, says Lisa Firestone, PhD, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Santa Barbara and co-author of Fear of Intimacy.

“If we can be vulnerable and open, we can have meaningful intimacy and enjoy its many benefits, like feeling known, seen, and cared about for who we are,” she says.

Intimate questions for couples can also ensure that both partners are on the same page about the important stuff. Fisher notes that couples often have unwritten, unspoken assumptions about how close they should be, what their life together should look like, and how much they should share.

“The other person may be thinking differently than you, and yet you’ve never talked about it,” he says. “And meanwhile, you’re fighting about stuff—but the real problem is that you haven’t ever agreed on what your relationship should look like in terms of intimacy.”

Clarifying expectations, preferences, and visions for the future can go a long way toward keeping a relationship harmonious.

How to Use These Deep Questions Effectively

So, how do couples come together and share more of themselves? Start by carving out time away from distractions, whether it’s phones, TV, children, or anything else, and turn inward together. Firestone likes taking after-dinner walks with her partner, but you could also sit across from each other at a restaurant or relax together on the couch at home.

The exact timing isn’t critical, as long as neither of you is clearly stressed, preoccupied, or about to head out the door. Deep conversation topics are best explored in a relaxed environment where you both have space to focus.

When you’re ready, follow these best practices to get the most out of the experience.

1. Use an opening line.

“Some couples can ask, ‘What are your dreams?’ while unloading the dishwasher, but someone in another couple might be like, ‘What are you talking about?’” Fisher says. Before diving into a deep question randomly, set the stage by saying something like, “I’d love to hear your thoughts about X,” or “I’d love to have some one-on-one time with you. Can we go to the porch and chat?” It’s OK if times are hectic and you need to schedule something for later.

2. Set psychological boundaries.

Don’t interrupt your partner when they’re talking. Avoid playing therapist, giving unsolicited advice, or assuming you know what your partner is thinking. Fisher suggests saying something like, “Hey, my mind is playing this tape that you feel X way, but I don’t know what you’re actually feeling. What is it? What’s going on for you?”

3. Ask open-ended questions.

Open-ended questions encourage more detailed, thoughtful responses than yes-or-no questions. Try asking things like, “What are your feelings about…?”, “What goes through your mind when…?”, or “How would you want that to play out?”

4. Stay curious about your partner.

The goal is to get to know your partner better, even the parts that might be hard for you to fathom (for example, you’re an animal lover and they enjoy hunting). “Be curious about those parts and what they mean to the person,” Firestone says. “Ask what they like about them, and maybe there’s common ground there.” Whatever you do, don’t judge your partner—even with your facial expressions—or you risk shutting them down.

5. Keep your cool.

Some conversations will press your buttons. If that happens, it’s OK to let your partner know. You might say, “This is hard for me,” or “It’s making me anxious to talk about that.” “Some people feel that way when talking about money, in-laws, or whatever it might be,” Firestone says. “But that’s OK, as long as you’re being honest rather than just reacting.”

6. Check your expectations.

Not every conversation is going to be profound. That’s OK! Even mundane exchanges still have value. Because over time, the simple act of sharing can become the glue that keeps you together. “We tend to fall in love and stay in love with the people we share things with,” Fisher says. “And if that’s reciprocated, it can really heighten the connection.”

By keeping these tips in mind, you’ll set the stage for meaningful conversations that can strengthen your connection. Now, let’s dive into some deep questions for couples, organized by relationship stages.

Deep Questions for New Couples

When you first start dating, you’re going to want to ask questions to get to know your partner better. Questions for new couples not only help establish trust and intimacy, but they can set the relationship up for success.

Fun Icebreakers and Conversation Starters

Just like a great dinner party starts with appetizers, it can be helpful to begin with some lighter questions that get the wheels turning and balance depth with fun. These conversation starters for couples can break the ice.

• What’s your idea of a perfect day?
• What’s the best meal you ever ate?
• If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?
• Who would play you in the movie of your life and why?
• Which songs from your childhood or teen years hit the hardest and why?

Understanding Each Other’s Past

Our earliest relationships create a roadmap for how future relationships will go. “How we adapted to our early caregivers matters,” Firestone says. For example, as a child, you may have learned to turn up the volume on your needs to get them met. Or on the flip side, you may have learned to turn that volume down because your needs weren’t ever met.

“Our partner’s going to draw certain reactions from us based on their roadmap, and we’re going to respond to them in certain ways based on our own roadmap,” Firestone says. “So, it’s important to know.”

These questions explore a partner’s upbringing and core memories:

• Who were the important people to you when you were young?
• What did you enjoy doing with your family?
• How did you celebrate holidays? Did you have any other family traditions or rituals?
• Who’s your longest friend and what do you appreciate most about that friendship?
• What are some things that hurt you in your life?
• What kinds of feelings were acceptable or encouraged in your house growing up—and what kinds weren’t? Like, could you be happy or curious—could you be scared?

Personal Values and Life Goals

Values shape how people make decisions, treat others, and prioritize things in their lives. In a new relationship, you’ll want to make sure those core values are at least somewhat aligned, especially if you hope to build a life together.

The same goes for visions of your future, but as Firestone points out, you don’t have to share the same aspirations to be a good match. “If you have some things in common it helps, obviously, but it doesn’t mean you have to overlap completely.”

These questions can get people talking about their dreams, aspirations, and priorities.

• What would you like to do more of in your life? What would you like to do less of?
• What would you do with your time if money was no object?
• What’s a personal goal you’ve set for yourself and why is it important?
• If your future self could send a photo from 20 years from now, what might it show?
• What do you hope future generations will remember most about you?

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Deep Questions for Established Couples

When you’re first dating, you’re hungry for every morsel about this new exciting human in your life. Once you get more comfortable, that urgency falls away. But it shouldn’t.

“If you’re going to transition to being a ‘real’ couple, you’ve got to keep getting to know the person,” Firestone says. “Because that person is probably getting to know themselves better and differently as they age. And it’s important to keep that conversation alive.”

Use these meaningful questions for couples to deepen your connection.

Strengthening Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy helps both partners feel safe and secure in their bond. When you can be vulnerable with someone without fear, it helps you trust them. And the more you trust them, the more you share with them. That positive reinforcement strengthens your connection.

These questions can help strengthen emotional intimacy.

• What do you love most about our life together?
• What’s a romantic gesture you always wished someone would do for you?
• What do you think I like most about you?
• How will I know if you’re really upset or angry—what does that look like? And how do you like to be comforted when that happens?
• What’s something you’ve been thinking about that maybe you’ve been afraid to share?

Future Plans and Expectations

If you’re contemplating building a life together, it’s important to understand one another’s expectations.

“You don’t want to get way ahead of yourself with your expectations without letting the other person in on what they might be, because the other person can’t read your mind or know what you want,” Firestone says. This is your opportunity to explore what a future together could look like.

These practical questions can help you align visions for the future.

• Describe your dream home in the future—what does it look like, smell like, sound like? What do you love most about it?
• What’s your idea of a great vacation?
• What does work-life balance look like for you, ideally?
• What does a healthy sex life look like?
• What does a happy family look like?

Checking In and Reflecting

“Now that we know each other a lot better than we did when we first met, what do we most value about each other?” Fisher asks. “Aside from the initial reasons that we were attracted… how do we value each other now?”

These questions help you assess and appreciate relationship progress so you can build on what’s working and change what’s not.

• What traditions or habits do we have that you’d like to continue or discontinue?
• When do you feel most valued in this relationship?
• What could I do more of that you like? What could I do less of?
• Of all the dates that we’ve been on, which made you feel the closest?
• When do you feel like we’re hitting our best moments together?

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Deep Questions for Engaged and Newlywed Couples

Questions for married couples can help maintain closeness as they enter this new phase of the relationship. “If people have mismatched expectations that aren’t spoken, they will be fighting a lot,” Fisher says. Like, maybe one partner believes they’ll continue doing everything together while the other partner is looking forward to some alone time.

Here are some intimate questions to ask your partner to clarify expectations early in marriage.

Marriage Goals, Expectations, and Fears

At this point you should have answers to the bigger questions, like do we want to have kids? Will we be house-hunting in the suburbs anytime soon—or ever? Are we religiously compatible? So now the questions get more granular, about your everyday life together.

Ask these questions about your hopes, concerns, and expectations for married life.

• What do you see our evenings looking like? How about weekends?
• How will we make time for our relationship when life gets really busy?
• What are your biggest fears about our marriage?
• What do you hope our marriage will look like in five years? 10 years?
• If they made a documentary about us and the narrator said, “The couple got closer,” what would that look like? What would I be doing? What would you be doing?

Family and Traditions

Ideally by now you’ve agreed on the bigger-picture questions regarding religion and culture in your future household, so now it can be a fun, bonding exercise to discuss how you plan to update and personalize those things for your new family.

Ask these questions about cultural background, traditions, and family expectations.

• What do you see holidays looking like in our house?
• Which traditions or rituals from your childhood feel non-negotiable to you?
• Were there traditions or rituals in friends’ families that you wished you had, too?
• Describe a day in the life of our future family, as you’re imagining it right now.
• What role do you want our extended family to play in our marriage?

Building a Life Together

Even after you’ve aligned on the big-picture stuff, it’s the nitty gritty details of life—city or suburbs, credit or debit, paper or plastic, organic or on sale—that make day-to-day living together more seamless.

Ask these questions to discuss financial, domestic, and lifestyle plans.

• When you picture our forever home, what do you see and where?
• If one of us got a job offer elsewhere, how willing are we to uproot ourselves?
• What does having money mean for you—safety and security or permission to spend?
• How do you feel about debt in general? About savings? Investing?
• If we were to create a family budget, which line items are must-haves and which are nice-to-haves? 

Family Planning

Family planning goes way beyond agreeing that you both want kids (or don’t, if that’s the case). What does parenting look like in your family? “A lot of couples will say, “We’re egalitarian. We want things to be equal in this relationship,’” Fisher says. “But with mixed-gender couples, often it still plays out where the woman ends up doing more of the housework, even if both partners identify as feminists.”

Ask these questions to focus on children, parenting, expectations, and readiness.

• When do you see us starting a family? Are there things that need to happen first, from your perspective?
• What does childcare look like for us if we’re both working?
• What was the division of labor like in your household growing up? Do you see us adopting those same roles?
• What are some parenting practices you believe were helpful for you as a child, and what are some others you hope to change?

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Deep Questions for Long-Term Couples

Over the years together, you and your partner will navigate different jobs, moves, children, illnesses, successes, failures, and other life events that shape you. Fisher quotes psychotherapist Esther Perel in saying, “Most of us will have four to five different marriages in our lifetime—hopefully most of them are to the same person.”

The point is that our relationship will go through phases, so it’s important for us to keep reconnecting. “People change over time, and so you’re continuing to get to know who this person is,” he says. 

These questions for long-term relationships can help you go deeper with your partner even when you think you know all there is to know.

Nostalgia and Gratitude

Early days of relationships are heady times—filled with passion, longing, excitement, trepidation, and hope. As the years march on, those emotional peaks and valleys tend to level out. That’s not a bad thing, because it can mean comfort and stability. But recalling those fiery, flirty first years can bring back some of the highs.

“A lot of couples really like to remember the early days, or some kind of peak memory, or even just the funny stuff,” Fisher says. “It’s fun but it also deepens your connection.”

Ask these questions to reminisce about shared experiences.

• When did you first know you loved me?
• What do you miss most about our early days together?
• What’s one of your favorite memories of us?
• What’s a moment that made you laugh so hard with me you’ll never forget it?
• What are the favorite places we’ve traveled?

Continuing Growth

Rediscovery adds vitality, interest, growth, and movement to a relationship. “Some couples get along fine without that over a long period of time, and they kind of settle, but there’s also not a lot of romance,” Fisher says. “Continuous rediscovery promotes bonding and romance and connection.”

Ask these questions to inspire new experiences and goals that will keep the spark alive in your relationship.

• What haven’t we tried that you’d like to do?
• Is there anything holding us back from doing those things?
• What does growth mean to you—sharing something new with each other or having a different kind of relationship?
• What new goals do we want to set for our relationship or our life together?
• If we sent ourselves a postcard from 10 years in the future, what would you want it to say?

Daily Connection Questions

Perhaps the most iconic symbol of domestic tedium is the exchange we’ve all had with a partner at some point: “How was your day?” “Fine.” But it’s critical to invest in meatier, more meaningful ways to connect on the regular.

“Have some kind of intimate contact, whether it’s a walk on Friday at the end of the week or after work, or an early morning coffee on your front lawn,” Firestone says. “It doesn’t have to be date nights—it can be date ‘moments.’”

Ask these questions to help maintain day-to-day intimacy and connection.

• What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately?
• What makes you feel close to me during the day?
• How can I better support you?
• If we want to be more connected in everyday life, what might that look like?
• What can we add to our calendar this week that we’ll both look forward to?

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Questions for Special Relationship Situations

Just like families come in all shapes and sizes, their circumstances can also sometimes be unique. It’s helpful to have a script for those unusual relationship situations, because they’re more common than you might think.

Long-Distance Relationship Questions

Occasionally partners need to be apart—for a business trip, to care for an ailing relative, to tour colleges, or for a host of other reasons. “During these separations, it’s really important to talk about what the parameters are, what the expectations are, and how often you’re going to make contact,” Firestone says. “Also rules about boundaries, what’s OK or not OK in terms of their social life in this other place.” 

Ask these questions to support connection when you’re apart, whether you’re in a long-distance relationship or navigating frequent travel for work.

• What challenges do you foresee that we can work on preventing?
• What will our social lives be like while we’re apart and are there any boundaries we’d like to set or expectations we have?
• Should I just handle the little problems at home or do you want to weigh in?
• How and how often do we want to check in? What does that look like?
• What can we plan for when we’re reunited to help us feel close again?

After Conflict or Difficult Conversations

Fights happen. That’s OK, because conflict helps you settle differences. What’s important is what comes after.

“For intimacy, repair is absolutely crucial,” Fisher says. “Otherwise, stuff gets swept under the rug.” And that can lead to resentment, one person exploding like a volcano, or just gradually pulling away from each other.

Here are some questions that help you repair and heal.

• Why do you think this fight happened?
• Are you holding onto any resentments from the conflict that you’d like to unload?
• Do you feel like you understand my perspective or is there more to unpack?
• What could I be more thoughtful about if this issue comes up again?
• What do we need in order to move forward and reconnect?
• Do you know how much I love and appreciate you?