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Abuse is a dangerous and prevalent issue for many people. However, it can be incredibly nuanced, which might make it hard to identify for those experiencing abuse. One frequent example of this is called reactive abuse.
Reactive abuse is something that occurs as a result of a victim responding strongly to the abusive behavior they’re experiencing, often choosing to fight back either physically, verbally, or both. This term can be misleading, though. A strong reaction to experiencing abuse—what “reactive abuse” describes—is not always considered abuse. In many cases, it’s simply self-defense.
Read on to learn more about why reactive abuse occurs and the complex shades of abusive relationships.
What Is Reactive Abuse?
Reactive abuse is defined as aggressive reactionary behavior (yelling, hitting, insults, etc.) from a victim of abuse toward the perpetrator as a response to abusive behavior.
It occurs when the person being abused reacts strongly to the abuse they’re suffering, perhaps choosing to argue back or physically defend themselves from the person abusing them. The person experiencing abuse may reach their limit and snap or impulsively lash out in an attempt to protect themselves and stop the abusive behavior.
Despite the term used to describe it, though, this behavior alone is not seen as abuse. Some may claim these actions constitute “mutual abuse,” but that’s not the case. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, mutual abuse doesn’t exist, since abuse always involves an imbalance of power and a desire for one person to control the other.
Behavior such as yelling or fighting back at a perpetrator are examples of self-defense—actions that are often necessary to protect oneself—and should not be considered “abuse,” despite the term used to describe it.
Reactive “abuse” like this is usually impulsive, as it’s a reaction to something in the moment. This can make things complicated, though, and even dangerous—there’s risk of retaliation from the perpetrator, either in the moment or through instances of emotional blackmail later.
Can Reactive Abuse Have a Negative Impact on Victims?
Reactive abuse or aggressive reactions to abuse can be impulsive, and while it’s often justified and based on the need for protection, the behavior may be used by perpetrators as some kind of “proof” of mistreatment on behalf of the victim.
Perpetrators sometimes keep examples of reactive “abuse” in order to manipulate the other person, threatening to tell friends and family that the victim is actually the abusive party or even take their own claims to the police. Perpetrators may also claim that both people are committing mutual abuse, and therefore equally guilty. But in reality, the person committing abuse is the only guilty party.
If these kinds of arguments or confrontations sound familiar to you, it may be a sign you’re experiencing abuse. It’s important to find professional help immediately, either by contacting a therapist or through online resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
3 Common Signs of Reactive Abuse
Not sure if the description of reactive abuse applies to you? There are specific patterns to look for. Not all of these red flags will be present during situations of reactive abuse, but they are types of emotional abuse and common red flags to look for in perpetrators of abuse:
- Intentionally provoking you, either in private or in public. Many perpetrators of abuse try to antagonize and bait their partners until they snap and lash out. There are many ways they can do this, such as name-calling, gaslighting (manipulation by questioning another’s sound reasoning), threatening to walk out, being condescending, and taking digs at their partner to lower their self-esteem. Doing this in public also helps feed their agenda of proving that they’re in the right and their partner is the one with issues.
- Collecting “proof.” When an abused person finally reaches a breaking point and fights back or lashes out at the person abusing them, the abuser can use that as evidence of misbehavior or “abuse.” Those abusing others will use this evidence to gain sympathy for themselves, justify their own abuse, or blackmail the person they’re abusing to keep control of them, perhaps threatening to tell people about what happened.
- Claiming that they’re being abused. This involves a perpetrator of abuse using the “evidence” they’ve collected to show others that they are in fact the victim of abuse. The abuser may call the actions of the person they’re abusing “abusive” or “crazy,” and try to prove their own actions are justified or caused by their partner’s action.
These tactics can effectively isolate victims of abuse from any support, often by convincing them that they’re in the wrong or that no one will believe them if they try to share what’s happening.
Perpetrators of abuse turn a person’s valid anger and frustration at the abuse they’re facing into a weapon to inflict psychological and emotional damage at any time. The aftermath of these interactions will often involve the perpetrator attempting to gaslight the victim by claiming that the other person is the one who is “crazy” and “needs help,” while the abuser is gracious enough to stick around and “put up with them.” It can be extremely detrimental to one’s self-esteem, making it difficult to feel like a good person deserving of better treatment.
The Impact of Abuse on Mental Health
Abuse is very harmful to someone’s physical, mental, and emotional well-being. The physical consequences are serious and require immediate attention from medical professionals, but the mental ramifications are also dangerous.
Perpetrators of abuse condition and manipulate people into becoming easy to control by using guilt and shame to push them down. The longer it happens, the more the guilt and shame can influence someone’s perception, causing the victim to believe they’re not only being abusive themselves, but they’re also responsible for any outbursts by the person abusing them.
Over time, it can cause long-term emotional trauma, often in the form of PTSD or other emotional symptoms like fear, anger, shame, low self-esteem, anxiety, chronic stress, or hopelessness.
If you or someone you love are experiencing emotional or physical abuse, please consider contacting resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or, if someone is in immediate danger, law enforcement.
Is There a Link Between Abuse and Narcissism?
Yes, there is a common thread between abuse and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). One common trait of NPD is a refusal to take ownership of one’s actions. Narcissists will frequently try any tactic to keep the blame off of them, including trying to place that blame on others.
In a perpetrator’s mind, reactive “abuse” can be a way to shift blame away from them to the person being abused. As such, people with NPD will often use it to make the situation work in their favor and maintain power over others. But it’s important to remember: Strong reactions to abuse like yelling or fighting back do not disqualify any claims of abuse against a perpetrator.
How Is Reactive Abuse Different from Active Abuse and/or Overreacting?
There are marked differences between reactive abuse, active abuse, and overreacting.
- Active abuse is intentionally harmful behavior performed in an attempt to gain power or control over another person.
- Reactive abuse is a strong or aggressive response on the part of a victim toward someone committing abuse. This cannot technically be classified as a type of active abuse, since it does not change the power imbalance at play. It is not intentionally controlling behavior, but rather it’s an attempt to stop controlling behavior that’s being enacted by the person with the power.
- Overreacting is also not necessarily an abusive action, though perpetrators of abuse can use it as a way of controlling others. Overreacting is often simply a big, disproportionate reaction to something, meaning your reaction isn’t in line with a situation. This is different from reactive “abuse” because the person’s response is too over-the-top and doesn’t match what happened, while reactions from a victim of abuse toward a perpetrator would not often be seen as too strong compared to what they’re experiencing. The term “overreacting” can also be used as a false label to devalue people’s opinions and feelings, especially women.
It’s important to use each of these terms carefully, and it may even be wise to use other words to describe behaviors like “reactive abuse” and “overreacting” to avoid misunderstandings and ensure effective communication.
The Bottom Line
Abuse can be very difficult to handle on your own, and it’s important to seek help right away—professional help like therapy or a hotline is the place to start as you work through your other options. To get in touch with an expert at the National Domestic Violence Hotline, you can:
- Call 1-800-799-7233
- Text 88788
As you discuss your situation and go over next steps, remember that the first priority is your own safety and well-being.
