Domestic abuse: How to recognize it and get help

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is a pattern of controlling, coercive, or violent behavior used to gain power over an intimate partner or family member. It includes physical violence, emotional manipulation, sexual coercion, and financial control—often used together to maintain dominance.

When people think of abuse, physical violence often comes to mind first. But abuse takes many forms, and the subtler tactics can be just as damaging.

“Emotional abuse can be just as serious as physical violence,” says Jami Dumler, a licensed clinical social worker at Thriveworks. “Intentional manipulation, intense control, emotional mind games. These behaviors isolate victims and consolidate the abuser’s power. Physical abuse rarely happens in a vacuum. It’s usually the culmination of prolonged emotional abuse.”

Caitlin Opland, a licensed clinical social worker at Thriveworks, agrees. “Isolation and dependence occur when supportive relationships shrink and autonomy erodes. That combination makes abusive relationships magnetic—not because people want to stay, but because it becomes harder and harder to imagine a different life.”

Abusers often use emotional or physical leverage to justify their actions and maintain control, whether or not they fully recognize their behavior as wrong.

Types of domestic abuse

Abuse takes many forms, and abusers often combine multiple tactics to maintain power and control.

Physical abuse

• Physical abuse is any harm or intentional unwanted contact with someone’s body, including:
• Hitting, slapping, or choking
• Pinching or pushing
• Gun violence or threats with weapons
• Sexual assault
• Throwing objects at someone
• Imprisonment or forced confinement

Abusers hide their behavior by inflicting injuries in hard-to-see places, using manipulation and threats to keep victims silent, and presenting a different face to the outside world.

Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse chips away at someone’s confidence and sense of self through manipulation and control tactics:

• Verbal abuse: Insults, constant criticism, mocking, and put-downs erode self-esteem and make someone easier to manipulate. You might hear “You’re too sensitive,” “No one else would put up with you,” or “You’re lucky I stay with you.”
• Isolation: Cutting you off from friends and family makes it harder to see reality outside the picture your abuser creates. They might say your friends are “bad influences,” question why you need to see your family so often, or create conflict that makes you avoid social situations.
• Boundary pushing: Pressuring you to do things you’re uncomfortable with while dismissing your objections. When you say no to something, they keep pushing until you give in, then act like you agreed all along.
• Gaslighting: Denying things that happened, insisting you’re remembering wrong, or claiming you’re “crazy” to make you doubt your own perceptions. You know a conversation happened a certain way, but they insist it went differently—and sound so convinced you start questioning yourself.
• Coercive control: Monitoring your location, checking your phone, controlling who you see, dictating what you wear—all framed as “love,” “care,” or “protection.” They want to know where you are at all times and get angry if you don’t respond to texts immediately.
• Implicit intimidation: Using coded behavior or statements that only you understand to provoke fear, trigger a reaction they can use against you later, or maintain control by hinting at threats without saying anything others would recognize.
• Stalking: Following you, showing up uninvited, monitoring your social media, or having others track your movements.

“These behaviors creep in slowly rather than exploding all at once,” Opland says. “The increase is gradual and subtle, so people normalize them over time. They’re also easier to rationalize—’They’re just stressed,’ ‘That’s how they show love,’ ‘I’m too sensitive.’ People in abusive relationships may not even realize what they’re experiencing qualifies as domestic abuse until they begin to unpack it in therapy.”

Financial abuse

Financial control creates dependency and makes leaving much harder. This includes:

• Withholding money or giving you an “allowance”
• Monitoring your bank accounts, credit cards, or spending
• Forcing you to quit your job or sabotaging your employment
• Running up debt in your name
• Refusing to add your name to joint accounts while sharing expenses
• “Forgetting” to pay bills in your name only, destroying your credit

One Thriveworks client described how her partner maintained perfect credit while repeatedly missing payments on bills in her name, making it impossible for her to rent an apartment or get a loan when she finally decided to leave.

Sexual abuse

Sexual abuse includes any pressure, coercion, or force around intimacy or reproductive choices:

• Pressuring or guilting you into sex when you’re not interested
• Ignoring your “no” or continuing after you’ve asked to stop
• Controlling your birth control or reproductive decisions
• Threats or violence to get sexual compliance
• Sharing intimate images without consent

“Abusers intentionally manipulate through possessiveness, control, and toxic behaviors to isolate their target from loved ones and support,” says Dumler. “All of these tactics create an environment of self-doubt and fear that makes it incredibly difficult to break away.”

How to recognize domestic abuse

Signs of abuse can be subtle, carefully hidden by both the abuser and the person being abused. You might notice:

• Withdrawing emotionally: You stop sharing good news because you know they’ll find a way to diminish it or turn the conversation back to themselves.
• Constantly questioning your version of the truth: They insist an argument never happened or that you started it, even though you clearly remember it going differently.
• Feeling dismissed or afraid to speak your mind: You’ve learned that disagreeing leads to hours of conflict, silent treatment, or verbal attacks, so you just keep quiet.
• Feeling pressured to do things that make you uncomfortable: They guilt you into sex when you’re not in the mood, pressure you to quit your job so you can “focus on the relationship,” or push you to cut off friends they don’t like.
• Setting boundaries only to have them pushed: You say you need space or set a limit, and they ignore it completely or make you feel guilty for having needs.
• Feeling overly observed or watched: They track your location, check your phone, question your schedule, or always seem to know things you didn’t tell them.
• Growing isolation from friends and family: You’ve slowly stopped seeing people who care about you, often because it’s easier than dealing with your partner’s reaction.
• Fear of doing anything “wrong”: You constantly worry about triggering their anger or disappointing them, carefully managing your behavior to avoid conflict.
• Fear for your personal safety: You’re genuinely afraid of what they might do if you leave, disagree, or don’t comply.

Some of these signs alone may not indicate abuse, but a combination—especially fear of punishment, retaliation, or harm—means something is seriously wrong.

The 3 phases of domestic abuse

Domestic abuse isn’t a one-time event—it’s a repeating cycle that makes it difficult to leave. Understanding this pattern can help you recognize what’s happening.

Thriveworks providers Tori-Lyn Mills, a licensed clinical professional counselor, and Opland break down the three phases frequently seen in abusive relationships:

Phase 1: Tension building

“During the tension-building phase, the victim may notice irritability in their partner or an intense sense of unease,” Mills says. “They may try doing whatever they can to appease their partner, but nothing they do is able to resolve the situation.”

You walk on eggshells. Your partner seems angry or withdrawn, and you can feel something coming. You try to prevent the outburst—cleaning more, staying quiet, being extra attentive—but the tension just keeps building. You might even start questioning whether you did something wrong.

Phase 2: Crisis

“In the crisis phase, the abusive behavior—physical, verbal, psychological, or sexual—becomes overt and undeniable,” Opland says.
This is when the abuse happens: yelling, violence, sexual assault, or intense psychological attacks. The mask comes off. Abusers often wait to introduce this behavior until they’ve laid emotional groundwork that gives them control and makes you question yourself.

Phase 3: Honeymoon

“This phase often looks more like the person the victim remembers at the start of the relationship,” Mills says. “It’s meant to make you believe the abuse is not their partner’s ‘normal’ behavior, but instead an unfortunate mistake or temporary lapse.”

They apologize profusely. They cry, promise it’ll never happen again, blame stress or alcohol, shower you with affection. They might share a painful backstory to explain their behavior and pull at your empathy. For a while, they seem like the person you fell in love with, until the tension starts building again.

“From my experience supporting others through domestic violence, there’s often a backstory shared by the abuser that’s used to justify the behavior and elicit empathy from the victim,” Mills says. “The intense highs and lows of this cycle can be confused for love, perhaps inspiring forgiveness until the cycle starts over again.”

Opland adds that “people often report feeling trapped in this cycle because it creates powerful emotional patterns. Hope and relief during the honeymoon phase, confusion and self-doubt throughout—especially through gaslighting or emotional manipulation. The highs make the lows feel survivable, until they’re not.”

One of the most difficult aspects of this cycle is that both people may genuinely care for each other. The abuser may feel ashamed of their actions, but much of the time, the cycle doesn’t break until the victim leaves or others intervene.

How to get help if you’re experiencing domestic abuse

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, there are resources that offer immediate help, safety planning, and long-term support.

Additional resources:

• National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
• Break the Cycle

Many communities also have local domestic violence prevention organizations. Search for resources specific to your area.

Make a safety plan

A safety plan establishes safeguards to protect you when leaving an abusive situation. This usually involves working with a mental health provider and trusted friends or family members who know what’s happening. These plans identify ways around the emotional manipulation, financial leverage, or physical threats your specific abuser uses.

“Individuals in a domestic violence situation often need significant support and preparation if they’re considering leaving,” Mills says. “Without careful safety planning and securing external supports, abused people are left vulnerable, either to being dragged back into the relationship or, at worst, to physical harm.”

A safety plan is a vital part of leaving as safely as possible. Domestic violence advocates and therapists can help you create one tailored to your situation.

How therapy helps you heal from domestic abuse

Therapy plays an important role in healing from abuse, but it may not be possible—or safe—to do that healing with the person who abused you.

In cases of domestic violence, standard relationship counseling techniques often don’t work. Trust and respect have deteriorated. The abusive person may not be open to change because they don’t see anything wrong with their behavior. Mental health professionals recommend individual therapy for both people, whether or not you pursue couples counseling.

For people experiencing or recovering from abuse, especially those with PTSD symptoms, research supports trauma-focused, evidence-based treatments including:

• Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)
• Cognitive processing therapy (CPT)
• Motivational interviewing

Stages of healing in therapy

“Therapy can be helpful, but level-setting with realistic expectations is important,” Opland says. “Healing from domestic abuse isn’t about flipping a switch. It’s about rebuilding safety, identity, and agency, often in stages.”

Stage 1: Establishing safety

“Good therapy begins by helping someone feel safe in their body, choices, and environment,” Opland explains. “This might include supporting safety planning with hotline specialists, advocates, or clinicians and checking for ongoing risks like threats, stalking, or access to weapons, and connecting to resources and supports.”

Stage 2: Naming your trauma

“Once safety increases, a lot of healing comes from clarity,” Opland says. “Naming controlling behaviors and psychological abuse; understanding trauma responses like hypervigilance, avoidance, and self-doubt; working to let go of self-blame. This may sound simple, but it’s transformative, especially when someone has been told they’re ‘too much’ or ‘overreacting’ for years.”

Stage 3: Rebuilding your sense of self

After establishing safety and acknowledging what happened, deeper healing can occur. “This stage is where healing expands into rebuilding identity and confidence, strengthening boundaries, reconnecting with supportive people, and recognizing healthy relationship cues,” Opland explains. “Some people feel steadier within a few months, but after long-term coercive control, healing often takes longer. And that’s OK. There isn’t a fixed timeline, because each person’s journey is different.”

Opland emphasizes that healing is a nuanced, long-term process. “Domestic abuse isn’t just what you see on TV. It’s often what you don’t see: The stuff that chips away at someone’s autonomy and sense of self over time. Recognizing these patterns, understanding the cycle that reinforces them, and supporting healing through evidence-based therapy can make the difference between surviving and truly recovering.”