How do narcissists control you? Recognizing manipulation tactics and protecting yourself

How Does a Narcissist Control You? 5 Common Manipulation Tactics

The first step to protecting yourself from narcissistic behavior is awareness. By recognizing their tactics, you can avoid falling into their trap or find ways to break free. Here are five common methods narcissists use to control others:

1. They target people with codependent tendencies.

Narcissists often seek out individuals who are naturally caring, eager to please, and willing to put others’ needs before their own. “Narcissists generally seek out those with codependency characteristics,” says relationship expert and master social worker Tom Gagliano. Once involved, the narcissist “reinforces the codependent’s shortcomings so that they are manipulated to believe everything is their fault or that they are responsible for fixing any discomforts in the relationship.”

Over time, the partner may become afraid of the narcissist, losing their sense of self by believing these distortions.

Even those who don’t start out with codependent tendencies can be drawn into this toxic cycle, especially in romantic relationships. Narcissists are skilled at making others feel responsible for their emotions, which can blur boundaries and create emotional enmeshment. The result is a relationship where the partner loses sight of their own needs, becoming trapped in a pattern of self-sacrifice and emotional confusion.

2. They make you feel (too) special.

Narcissists often go out of their way to make others feel special—not because they genuinely value something about you, but as a means of manipulation.

“In their personal relationships, narcissists most often gain control over others by playing to a person’s (very understandable) desire to feel special and highly valued,” says clinical psychologist Forrest Talley. For example, a narcissist might say, “‘Although I only just met you, it’s clear to me that you are exceptionally bright and capable. I have a very select group of people, much like yourself, that I like to keep in contact with… I want you to be part of that group. Just give me your phone number and I’ll add it to my secret black book.’ (Sound ridiculous? It is, but nevertheless, this is what one narcissist told me years ago… no, not a patient)”.

Narcissists are experts at figuring out what people want and exploiting it for their own benefit. This kind of attention often starts quickly—sometimes just after meeting them—and can be accompanied by other “love-bombing” behaviors, such as expensive gifts, excessive praise, or declarations of intense feelings in a short period of time. Watch for these early signs, as they’re often red flags of manipulation rather than genuine affection.

3. They use shock, awe, and guilt.

Narcissists maintain control by provoking intense emotions in those around them. “After going through a period of ‘grooming’ someone for a close relationship, the narcissist moves on to use shock, awe, and guilt to maintain control,” Talley says. “The shock and awe come from the over-the-top, emotionally charged tantrums that erupt when the friend (spouse or lover) has done something that disappointed the narcissist. Most normal people find such dramatic reactions exhausting and strange, therefore, they begin to work hard to avoid a repeat performance.”

These outbursts almost always shift blame onto the partner, rarely with the narcissist taking responsibility for their actions or emotions. This leaves the other person feeling guilty and desperate to “fix” things, even when they know they aren’t at fault. The constant use of guilt, shame, and emotional volatility convinces many to stay and try to make things better, rather than walk away from the relationship. Over time, this cycle of blame-shifting and emotional upheaval erodes self-confidence and keeps the narcissist firmly in control

4. They gaslight.

Narcissists are often master manipulators who use gaslighting to destabilize and control others.

 “Gaslighting is a tactic of narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths,” explains licensed psychotherapist Christine Scott-Hudson. “It’s a manipulative behavior designed for self-gain, and even for sport, designed to weaken, trick, and destabilize the victim. Gaslighters will deny they said something or did something that you know they said or did. They move through the world dishonestly.”

Gaslighting often involves denying facts, twisting your words, or insisting events never happened, leaving you confused and doubting your own reality. Recognizing this tactic is key to protecting your sense of self.

5. They play manipulative games.

“One of the ways that narcissists try to control you is by playing manipulative hot and cold games,” says Adina Mahalli, master social worker. “One week, they’ll flatter you to get you to do what they want, and the next week, they’ll use aggression. The negative moments are interspersed with positive ones so that you might not even realize that you’re being manipulated. The only way to defeat this is to be cautious of flattery and positivity when it comes. Take every action with a grain of salt, and don’t let the love-bombing be a form of bribery towards you. Niceties shouldn’t be conditional.”

This unpredictable mix of praise and criticism keeps you guessing, making it harder to recognize the manipulation or set healthy boundaries.

Narcissistic Personality Traits vs. Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Understanding the difference between narcissistic personality traits and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is essential, especially as the term “narcissist” becomes more common in everyday conversation.

Licensed marriage and family therapist Emily Simonian explains: “In the mental health field, we use the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder to clinically describe what most people think of as ‘severe’ narcissism, which includes narcissistic traits like constant need for praise or admiration, having a sense of entitlement or a large sense of self-importance, in addition to others like patterns of having exploitative or manipulative relationships as well as a lack of empathy for others.”

To be diagnosed with NPD, a person must meet specific criteria. More specifically, “a person must have at least five of nine traits listed for that diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), typically starting in early adulthood,” Simonian says. “And they will usually have trouble with their relationships across numerous facets of their lives—in friendships, family relationships, romantic relationships, or at work.”

It’s important to remember that having some narcissistic traits does not mean someone has NPD. “Many people can have one or maybe even a few narcissistic traits, but that doesn’t mean they are a ‘narcissist,’” Simonian adds.

If someone close to you displays several of these traits, consider reaching out to a mental health professional for support. Reflect on how much time and energy you invest in the relationship. If you notice you’re giving too much, it may be time to reconsider your boundaries and take steps to protect your well-being.

How Does a Narcissist React When They Can’t Control You?

When a narcissist loses control over someone, their reaction is often intense and unpredictable. Control is central to a narcissist’s identity, so losing it feels like a direct threat to their self-worth and carefully constructed image. As a result, they may respond with outbursts of anger, aggression, or even rage. These are not random, but strategic attempts to regain dominance. You might experience sudden mood swings, blame-shifting, or manipulative tactics as they try to reassert their authority.

If a narcissist feels threatened by their loss of control, they may escalate their behavior, sometimes making threats or resorting to emotional manipulation. In some cases, they may withdraw, isolate themselves, or seek new sources of admiration to restore their sense of superiority.

If you ever feel threatened, verbally or physically, it’s crucial to set strict boundaries and consider ending the relationship. For your safety, reach out to resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the Crisis Text Line. If you believe you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Remember: Your health and well-being always come first.

Narcissistic Control: The TL;DR

Narcissists—whether they have NPD or simply display narcissistic traits—use tactics like gaslighting, love-bombing, guilt, and shame to maintain control over others. Driven by a need for admiration and a lack of empathy, they manipulate emotions to trap people in unhealthy relationships, making it seem as if there’s no way out.

This manipulation is deeply damaging, eroding confidence, willpower, and self-esteem until you may believe their destructive behavior is your fault.

If you suspect someone in your life is a narcissist, seek support from trusted people or a mental health professional. They can help you process your experience, set healthy boundaries, and develop a plan to protect yourself—including safe strategies for leaving the relationship if needed. Your well-being always comes first.