The quiet drift: 10 subtle signs your relationship is turning toxic

Toxic relationships aren’t always obvious from the start. Some evolve quietly—one eye roll, one dismissed feeling, one “I was just joking; don’t be so sensitive” comment at a time.

Many relationships erode through “one thousand paper cuts,” says psychologist Morgan Cutlip, PhD, author of A Better Share. Over time, what once felt like a safe, loving connection can become confusing or depleting—until one day, you wake up wondering, “How did we get here?”

Toxic patterns can affect even the healthiest relationships. “Relationships require constant work, just like any important and meaningful thing in life,” says Leeor Gal, LMFT, founder of The Therapy Gal. In some cases, though, the damage goes beyond unhealthy dynamics and becomes abusive, putting safety at risk.

By learning to recognize the subtle, easy-to-overlook signs of a toxic relationship or toxic marriage, you can take steps to address harmful dynamics before they become deeply entrenched—and decide whether to work through challenges with your partner or take action to protect your own safety.

In this article, we’ll explain the yellow flags of toxic relationships to watch for, why toxic patterns matter, and how you can repair your connection.

10 Subtle Signs of a Toxic Relationship to Watch For

Recognizing a toxic relationship is often easier said than done. The signs of a toxic relationship can be difficult to pinpoint, making it hard to know when something is wrong. Still, noticing these signs is a crucial first step in deciding how to move forward.

Without recognizing toxic patterns, dysfunction can start to feel like the norm. This can leave you feeling stuck in a cycle you don’t want to be in, rather than creating awareness, healing, and space for relationships that feel safe, respectful, and supportive.

Here are 10 subtle signs that your relationship may be veering into toxic territory. These aren’t always obvious red flags, but they are patterns that matter.

Note: These signs can appear in both strained and abusive relationships. If any dynamic makes you feel unsafe, consider skipping ahead to the support section below.

1. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

What it looks like: You edit yourself constantly, tiptoe around topics, anticipate mood shifts from your partner, or avoid anything that might spark tension.

Why it matters: “You start to silence yourself—not out of respect, but out of fear,” Cutlip says. This signals a lack of emotional safety, which is a hallmark of toxic behavior in a relationship.

2. You’re always apologizing.

What it looks like: You say “sorry” habitually, even when you didn’t do anything wrong, purely to keep the peace.

Why it matters: “This creates a dynamic where one person’s needs and emotions take up all the space, and yours slowly get erased,” Cutlip says.

3. You feel dismissed or like your feelings are constantly minimized.

What it looks like: If you explain how something made you feel, your partner tells you you’re overreacting or being dramatic.

Why it matters: Brushing off someone’s emotions erodes connection and causes self-doubt, a core sign of a toxic relationship. “It matters to be attuned to your partner’s emotions to understand them better, lessen arguments or miscommunication, and feel more connected,” Gal says.

4. You’re keeping score.

What it looks like: “I did bedtime, so you do dishes.” “I ran errands, now it’s your turn to listen to me.”

Why it matters: “This tit for tat will only grow resentment and overall distance for a couple,” Gal says. “It will also create more of a ‘roommates’ situation rather than a romantic partnership.”

5. Conflict turns personal.

What it looks like: Disagreements escalate to insults, name-calling, or character assassinations.

Why it matters: “Healthy conflict is focused on solving problems, not attacking the person. When disagreements get personal, trust erodes,” Cutlip says.

6. Your partner makes passive-aggressive “jokes.”

What it looks like: Your partner mocks you in front of others and claims it was just a joke.

Why it matters: “Making your partner the bud of the joke is not sexy, nor is it kind. This will create tension and distrust,” Gal says.

7. Your relationship lacks physical or emotional intimacy.

What it looks like: “Intimacy is a form of physical and emotional connection,” Gal says. A lack of it might mean less sex, cuddling, holding hands, or sitting next to each other, but also curiosity about the other, and so much more. (Learn more about how to build emotional intimacy and why it matters here.)

Why it matters: When you’re not connected physically or emotionally to someone, it may lower self-esteem and the ability to communicate, Gal says.

8. You feel alone when you’re together.

What it looks like: You may be physically close to your partner, but you *feel* emotionally distant.

Why it matters: “Emotional intimacy matters just as much as physical presence,” Cutlip says. Without it, a relationship can stop feeling like a partnership.

9. You start to question yourself.

What it looks like: You feel something and try to explain it to your partner, but they regularly flip the script or suggest you’re too sensitive. The result: You start questioning your judgment—a sign that you could be being gaslit, or manipulated into not believing your own reality.

Why it matters: “Toxic partners are often trying to shift the power dynamic in a relationship, in a way that gives them all the power and renders you powerless,” Cutlip says. “This constant dismissiveness around your own experiences starts to make you unsure of the legitimacy of your own thoughts and feelings and ultimately steals your power.” 

10. You feel like a smaller version of yourself.

What it looks like: You’ve stopped sharing your opinions, pursuing your interests, or showing up fully as yourself.

Why it matters: “A healthy relationship expands who you are. If you feel like you’re shrinking, something is off,” Cutlip says.

Why Toxic Relationship Patterns Matter

Toxic patterns in a relationship matter because they can deeply impact your mental, emotional, and even physical health. These patterns often erode self-worth, disrupt your ability to focus, affect how you parent, and interfere with living your life the way you want to. 

Toxic patterns can emerge for many reasons, including stress, major life transitions (like moving, starting a new job, or getting married), or unresolved personal wounds. Recognizing toxic patterns and understanding their origins can help you determine how to move forward.

“Sometimes it’s a lack of communication skills or even a personality disorder. Other times, it’s the dynamic between two people who never learned what a healthy connection looks like,” Cutlip says.

However, it’s crucial to remember: Understanding why something is happening doesn’t make it acceptable. While some unhealthy dynamics can be worked through, others cross a line into abuse and require different kinds of support.

What Can You Do—and Is Healing Possible?

First things first: Relationships exist on a spectrum—from healthy to unhealthy to abusive—and you deserve support no matter where you fall on that spectrum. Experts agree that healing a toxic relationship is possible, but only when both partners are willing to engage in honest reflection and make meaningful changes

If your partner is unwilling to grow or change, if you feel unsafe, or if you are experiencing abuse, your safety must come first. There is always a path forward without your partner. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7, with texting and chat services. You can also assess your relationship with a healthy relationship quiz.

If you’re questioning things—including your own reality, especially if gaslighting is present—need additional support, or feel alone, reach out to a trusted friend for perspective or seek support from a therapist on your own.

If you’re simply in a rut and both partners are willing to work on things, here are some expert-backed steps to begin. Use these only if you feel safe in your relationship and your partner is open and willing to do the work:

1. Check in with yourself.

Before starting any conversation, take a moment to identify what you’re feeling. “Pay attention to how your body and mind respond in this relationship,” Cutlip suggests. Do you feel safe, seen, and supported, or anxious, small, and unsure? Connecting with these feelings can help ground you and guide the conversation.

2. Start a conversation gently and directly.

Try saying, “I’ve been feeling a little off lately in our relationship, and I want to talk about it—not to blame, but to understand and hopefully reconnect,” Cutlip suggests. Focus on your own experience using “I” statements, and aim for curiosity rather than accusation.

Notice how your partner responds: Do they shut down or get curious? Do they lean in, ask questions, and show a willingness to grow? Their response says a lot about their openness to change, which is essential for healing, Cutlip says.

3. Choose the right moment

Timing matters for serious conversations. “Avoid raising issues in the heat of the moment,” Gal says. Instead, pick a calm, neutral time—perhaps after the kids are asleep (if you’re not too tired), after a relaxing show, or when moods are light.

4. Know when to seek outside support

If the same issues keep coming up, if you struggle to communicate, or if it feels like you’re not speaking the same language, it’s time to get help. “A good therapist can help you sort through what’s happening and what you want next,” Cutlip says