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- Some people falsely believe that men don’t have feelings—or that they don’t experience feelings to the same degree as women.
- However, this is not the case. We all experience a wide array of emotions, and it’s important we talk about them.
- That said, men are often less likely to talk or open up about their feelings because they aren’t encouraged by society to tune into their sensitivity.
- Additionally, men tend to “brush it off” when they experience difficult feelings because they don’t see an immediate solution.
- Finally, they see multiple obstacles standing in their way of opening up: they have to acknowledge a problem, admit to it, and find a new solution for it.
There is a common misconception that men don’t have feelings—or, at least, not to the same degree as women. In reality, we all experience a wide range of feelings. We feel happy, sad, angry, frustrated, heartbroken, scared, betrayed, and the list goes on. However, men are often less likely to actually talk about these feelings, which begs the question “why?” Here are a few explanations from Licensed Professional Counselor Tara Vossenkemper.
Special Note: Not all men or individuals who identify as male are less likely to voice their feelings. This concept may resonate with you regardless of your gender identity, and we hope you find the information helpful.
1. They aren’t encouraged to tune into their sensitive side.
The first reason is simple: Men often aren’t encouraged to discuss their feelings. In fact, they’re sometimes discouraged from doing so. Additionally, men tend to shy away from vulnerable conversations.
“It’s a little social, but it’s also a little biological,” Vossenkemper explains. “On one hand, men are less socially supported when it comes to talking about their feelings. Little boys are given less metaphorical space to explore and share their feelings (i.e., less time to cry, less tolerance of ‘pansy’ feelings, more picked on for being sensitive), and so they grow up not learning the skill (it is a skill) for discussing and navigating their feelings.”
“On the other hand, and probably somewhat a byproduct of social norms, men generally get more physiologically overwhelmed when discussing hard things. Hard things can be raw and vulnerable conversations, like sex and love, or hard things can be feeling discouraged and defeated. That physiological overwhelm can be stopped if the person ignores the topic, and so they’re less inclined to dive into the world of feelings. I can’t emphasize enough that these are broad brush strokes. Of course, there are men who don’t fit this bill.”
2. They tend to “brush it off.”
Men also get into the habit of “brushing it,” instead of facing difficult feelings. Vossenkemper explains: “Men are more solution-focused. This is basic psychology, but it’s still important to point out. In general, for females, discussing a problem (without jumping to a solution) is relieving and makes the problem more manageable. Men tend to be the type who hear about a problem and jump in with an answer to fix it. This isn’t inherently wrong, but when it comes to feelings, there aren’t really answers, per se; there are just feelings to experience and articulate. So, when faced with a feeling and no immediate solution, men try to compartmentalize it or brush it under the rug (i.e., ignore it).”
3. They face multiple obstacles that prevent them from opening up.
Finally, men have to successfully complete a few steps before they can have a productive conversation about their feelings, as explained by Vossenkemper. “First, they have to acknowledge that it’s a problem or that they’re struggling. This is hard enough in and of itself. Second, they have to admit out loud that it’s a problem, which is even harder than admitting it to oneself. Third, they have to combat the shame that comes with not being “man enough” to handle it on their own. Fourth, they have to learn a new way of thinking, feeling and dealing with something, and in a way that they haven’t had to previously. All of these things are difficult, and in combination with a general societal judgment for men who admit “weakness”, it’s a recipe for ignoring and hoping the problem goes away.”
Keeping difficult emotions in can be detrimental to your health. Doing so can lead to or exacerbate stress, cause headaches, and even trigger your sympathetic nervous system’s fight-or-flight response. Do your best to accept whatever you are feeling, release those feelings, and move forward.
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How to Encourage a Man to Express His Feelings
Encouraging a guy to talk about his feelings or to talk about his problems can be approached with patience, empathy, and understanding. Here are some strategies to help create a safe space for emotional expression.
- Create a judgment-free space. To help a man open up about his feelings, it’s important to build trust and safety in the relationship. With a foundation of trust, he can feel safer knowing you won’t judge or criticize him and that he can speak freely with you.
- Share your own feelings with him. Lead by example and share your own feelings openly and honestly. By modeling vulnerability, you demonstrate that expressing emotions is not only normal but also a healthy way to connect. It also helps create a dynamic where the two of you are on balanced, mutual ground for sharing.
- Ask open-ended questions. Instead of asking questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or “no,” try open-ended questions that invite more detailed responses. For example, “How do you feel about what happened today?” encourages him to explore and articulate his emotions further.
- Be patient. Men who are not used to expressing their emotions may need time to open up. Be patient and avoid pushing him to share before he’s ready. Gentle encouragement over time can lead to more meaningful conversations.
- Create non-pressured opportunities. Encourage conversations in a relaxed environment, such as during a walk, while cooking together, or during another shared activity. This can make it easier for him to open up without feeling like he’s on the spot.
- Respect his boundaries. Everyone has different comfort levels when it comes to opening up. If he’s not ready to share, respect his boundaries and let him know you’re there when he is.
- Listen actively. If he does open up, listen without interrupting or offering immediate solutions. Focus on understanding his perspective rather than trying to fix the situation. Sometimes, simply being heard is what he needs most. After he’s expressed his feelings, synthesize what he’s told and repeat it back to him. Asking “Do I have this right?” can be a good way to let him know you heard and understood him and to give him an opportunity to explain further, if needed.
- Validate his feelings. Let him know that his issues and feelings are valid and deserve attention, even if you don’t necessarily agree. Phrases like “I can see why you’d feel that way” or “It’s okay to feel upset about this” can go a long way in making him feel supported.
- Acknowledge and appreciate his openness. While acknowledging that it can be hard to open up, tell him that you appreciate him for doing so. Such acknowledgment and positive reinforcement can help him know you are a person he can turn to in the future if he needs support.
The Bottom Line
Men, like everyone else, experience a full range of emotions, but they are often discouraged from expressing them due to societal pressures and a lack of emotional support. Recognizing and addressing those challenges is so important for fostering healthier emotional communication. By encouraging men to open up, acknowledging their feelings, and providing the necessary support, we can all create a more understanding and compassionate environment for everyone. If you are a guy struggling to talk about your feelings, a therapist can help you learn to open up and share.
