I’m at a point in life where i feel extremely overwhelmed with stress an anxiety. I have always had a moderate level of stress in my life but it feels like more recently I am not in control of my stress. I had what I think was an anxiety attack a few weeks ago and for the past week or so I have been feeling unmotivated, self conscious, doubtful, and a bit numb (lack of a better description). I don’t know if the increased stress etc. is making me more sensitive to the below.
My husband is a photographer/ videographer and his main focus is portrait, lifestyle, high fashion. Most of his clients are female models. Most of these shoots are on the sexier side and do involve lingerie, and slight nudity. Also he edits all of his own work so he will spend hours editing the videos and photos. I used to be a lot more involved with helping him on shoots etc. however i just don’t have the time/ energy anymore so he does most of his shoots alone now.
My husband has always had difficulty with porn and masturbation. This is something I understood as I also had difficulty with this before we were married and we talked about it before getting married. More recently I get the feeling he is watching porn based off the models he shoots with and finding ones that look like them. I continue to find him sneaking porn when i’m “asleep” or “away”. He’s even watched/ pleasured himself in bed with me next to him thinking i was asleep. The few times I have confronted him with my concerns he says it isn’t that and it’s just something he struggles with etc. but i can’t help to think he is just saying this to not offend me.
I don’t know if I am just being paranoid and overwhelmed or what I should do. I am not one that usually feels this insecure and defensive but I find myself doubting my worth to him and doubting his reason for being with me. i just feel really lost right now.
There may be a connection between your husband watching pornography and your recent increase in anxiety. The fact that this connection may exists says that your feelings should be addressed and not ignored.
Ideally, you and your husband should seek counseling together to address this issue and come to an understanding about viewing pornography. A trained marriage therapist can guide you to a resolution that addresses your anxiety and that you and your husband both can agree upon.
It also may be wise for you to seek individual counseling to explore exactly how and why your anxieties may now be triggering panic attacks. When we feel overwhelmed from stress it often feels like we are out of control and there is nothing we can do. Well, it may be true that these issues cannot be addressed alone, but it is often remarkable how sharing them with a trained and experienced professional can help.