“I have no desire for my husband”: What to do when you drift apart from your spouse

Is It Normal to Lose Connection With Your Spouse?

Yes, feeling emotionally disconnected from your spouse is normal in long-term relationships. Temporary disconnection can even occur frequently, especially if you are both busy or are having a hard time articulating your feelings. But once you talk through how you’re both feeling, things can quickly return to normal.

The true issue comes when this pattern continues. This change is often subtle and can be easy to dismiss in favor of other important tasks until suddenly, the rift feels too large to repair.

“Often, couples don’t realize the drift until they feel lonely within the relationship,” Lupcho says. “Communication may shift from sharing feelings and dreams to only discussing logistics, which can leave partners feeling unseen or unimportant.”

The good news: Drifting apart doesn’t mean love is gone. “With awareness, open communication, and willingness to prioritize each other again, many couples can bridge the distance and rebuild closeness,” Lupcho says.

Can a Marriage Survive Without Desire?

For many couples, a lack of desire makes it difficult for the relationship to thrive. Physical and emotional intimacy often reinforce each other—when one struggles, the other typically does too.

When friendship may be enough: Some couples find fulfillment through emotional connection, communication, and companionship rather than physical intimacy. If both partners value quality time and emotional support over physical connection, this can work.

When desire matters: If you previously felt attracted to your husband and miss that connection, the lack of desire likely signals deeper issues worth addressing. Physical desire and intimacy are completely normal parts of romantic relationships.

If you’re bothered by the loss of desire, it’s worth exploring whether your relationship can rebuild that spark.

For a comprehensive look at all potential causes of sexual disconnect—including medical, hormonal, and life transition factors—read our complete guide to sexless marriage causes.

Understanding Why Couples Drift Apart Emotionally

Changes in attraction are normal in long-term relationships. “Couples can drift apart due to personal growth, chronic stress, passive communication patterns, and many other factors,” says Alexandra Cromer, a licensed professional counselor at Thriveworks.

Common causes include:

Loss of Emotional Intimacy and Connection

When did you last truly check in with your partner? Do you trust them with your emotions? For many people, physical intimacy feels impossible without emotional closeness first.

As moments of emotional intimacy become rare, you start feeling more detached from your partner. Physical or sexual intimacy without emotional connection feels disjointed and strained.

Unresolved Issues and Growing Resentment

“True intimacy requires vulnerability and intentional connection,” Lupcho says. “When those are neglected, resentments quietly build up, and partners begin to feel like roommates rather than romantic partners.”

Without addressing buried feelings, anger and frustration pile up between you, diminishing attraction and creating invisible barriers.

When Daily Life Takes Priority Over Your Relationship

Life gets busy, and when it’s busy enough, it interferes with relationships. “Job changes, health issues, or raising children can alter dynamics and priorities, causing distance to grow,” Lupcho says.

Life drives subtle wedges between partners—forgotten check-ins, missed quality time, competing priorities. Over time, emotional distance grows until there’s a chasm you don’t know how to cross.

Natural Changes Over Time

People evolve. Libidos shift. Aging affects us physically and emotionally. The initial excitement of falling in love naturally evolves into something different.

Without effort to maintain novelty and connection, relationships can start feeling like a chore rather than a joy. In extreme cases, having no desire could indicate you’re falling out of love. If you want to rebuild the relationship, consider couples counseling for professional guidance.

How to Reconnect With Your Partner: 12 Strategies That Work

Drifting apart doesn’t happen overnight, and reconnecting takes intentional effort. Here are evidence-based strategies to rebuild your connection:

Start With Emotional Reconnection

1. Practice appreciation and gratitude daily.

When feeling resentful, actively notice the good things about your partner—what you appreciate physically or emotionally.

Try this: Think specific thoughts (“I love how attentive they are with our kids”) or write them in a journal for reflection.

2. Investigate the root cause together.

When there’s distance in a relationship, facing unspoken issues feels scary. However, leaving them unaddressed allows them to fester.

“If unresolved issues linger, they can block closeness, no matter how much time you spend together,” Lupcho says.

Try this: You might say, “I’ve noticed some emotional distance between us lately. Is there something we need to talk about?” Or “I know I’ve been distant; I think we should discuss something that’s been bothering me.” Another approach: “I love you and I want us to feel closer. Can we talk about what’s going on between us?”

Consider couples therapy if communication feels difficult. A therapist provides guidance and keeps conversations calm and focused, allowing you to effectively work through your roadblocks together.

3. Create opportunities for meaningful conversation.

Even five minutes of real conversation can make someone feel heard and seen. Talk about feelings, concerns, and experiences beyond daily logistics.

Try this: Designate connection time—during dinner cleanup, before bed, or a lunch call—to check in with each other regularly, and be present during your talks.

4. Show genuine interest in your partner’s inner world.

“Curiosity about your partner’s thoughts, dreams, and feelings fosters intimacy and makes them feel seen,” Lupcho says.

Try this: Be your partner’s cheerleader. Celebrate their successes, offer comfort during struggles, and ask questions about their life outside your relationship. “Act like you’re getting to know them again,” Lupcho suggests.

Shift Your Mindset About Attraction

5. Redefine what attraction means beyond physical.

Attraction often starts with physical appeal, but lasting connection grows from character—integrity, values, how they show love, how they make you feel safe.

Try this: Focus on what you love about your partner’s personality: who they are, how they act, the quirks and habits that make them up as a person. By paying attention to those qualities, you can move away from focusing on physical changes and find aspects of your partner that always have and always will be there.

6. Focus on character qualities that drew you together.

Remember what you loved about them initially. Were they thoughtful? Funny? Did they ask you questions and really pay attention to your answers?

Try this: Notice when these qualities surface now and acknowledge them. If they happen less, consider bringing them up to your partner. You can both make a point of living out the qualities you fell in love with as a way to make your partner feel more seen.

7. Practice seeing your partner through fresh eyes.

Long-term relationships require accepting natural changes: personality shifts, gray hair, weight changes, confidence fluctuations.

Try this: Instead of focusing on differences, ask “How can I embrace my partner as they change?” Or “How do I show up for my partner when things are changing?” For example, you may see gray hair as a sign of experience and wisdom rather than aging.

8. Prioritize quality time without distractions.

Undivided attention builds emotional intimacy, which often leads to physical connection.

Try this: “If you enjoy the outdoors, pack a picnic lunch together,” Cromer suggests. The key is choosing activities you both enjoy and keeping phones away. Other ideas: take a walk and ask “What’s been on your mind lately?” or cook together while sharing one thing you appreciated about each other that day.

Rebuild Romance and Intimacy

9. Recreate early relationship experiences.

Nostalgia can be a powerful tool in rebuilding closeness. It activates positive memories and reminds you what you have in common.

Try this: Revisit your first date location, cook a meal you shared early on, or recreate another meaningful memory.

10. Explore new shared interests and adventures.

“Trying something new together can reignite a sense of fun and partnership that has perhaps been lacking in the relationship,” Lupcho says.

Try this: Take a class, try a new restaurant, plan a day trip, or watch a show you’ve both wanted to see.

11. Remove pressure and expectations.

The more you concentrate on the lack of physical intimacy and try to fix it, the harder it can be to bring back the desire and sexual attraction.

Try this: Take sex off the table temporarily. Focus on emotional connection first—intimacy often returns naturally when emotional bonds strengthen.

12. Start with small gestures of affection.

“Small gestures of appreciation and physical affection can go a long way in restoring closeness,” Lupcho says.

Try this: Express gratitude verbally (don’t just think it, say it), offer genuine compliments, initiate brief physical touch, or leave encouraging notes.

“Reconnection isn’t about recreating the past, but building a renewed relationship in the present, rooted in intentionality and openness,” Lupcho concludes.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does it take to reconnect after drifting apart?

The timeline varies by couple and situation. Some reconnect after a few intentional conversations, while others need months of consistent effort. The key is patience and persistence. Rebuilding connection is a process, not a quick fix.

What’s the difference between loving someone and being “in love”?

“Being ‘in love’ feels more emotional and spontaneous, whereas loving someone is steadier and intentional,” Lupcho explains. Both matter in long-term relationships. “It’s natural for the intensity of ‘being in love’ to ebb and flow,” she adds. “Many couples move into deeper, more secure love over time, which provides more stability and safety. Understanding this difference relieves pressure when the initial spark lessens.”

Should I tell my husband I’m not attracted to him anymore?

Honesty matters, but so does timing and delivery. “When struggling with whether to say something, ask yourself: Is this healthy and helpful?” Cromer advises. “Think about what you’d like the end result to be. If you want to stay in the relationship, consider whether this statement serves that goal.”

When should we consider couples therapy?

“If you’re thinking about couples therapy, it’s probably a good time to go,” Cromer says. Therapy isn’t just for crisis situations. Consider it if you’re stuck in recurring arguments, unable to resolve conflicts, or feeling disconnected despite efforts to reconnect.

Can a relationship recover if we’ve been distant for years?

Yes, relationships can recover from years of distance, but it requires commitment from both partners and often professional support. Long-term distance creates deeper patterns that take time to change. Success depends on both people’s willingness to do the work, but many couples successfully reconnect after extended periods of drift.

The Bottom Line

Feeling “I have no desire for my husband” doesn’t mean your relationship is over. With intentional effort—improving communication, practicing gratitude, and prioritizing connection—many couples successfully rebuild attraction and intimacy.

Start this week based on your situation:

• If you rarely talk about feelings: Try strategy #3 (meaningful conversation) by setting aside 10 minutes tonight to check in
• If you feel resentful: Begin with strategy #2 (daily gratitude) by writing down three things you appreciate about your partner
• If you’ve grown apart gradually: Start with strategy #1 (investigate root causes) using the conversation scripts provided
• If you need immediate connection: Try strategy #8 (quality time) by planning one distraction-free activity this weekend

Get professional support: Thriveworks’ experienced couples therapists help you identify root causes, improve communication, and develop a path forward that works for both of you. Learn more about our relationship counseling services or find a couples therapist near you.