How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Anthony Centore
My mother was cold. I grew to distrust all adults. I still have issues. But at the time of her death, stories came out and I began to understand this was a generation issue. Goes back 3 generations of mother/daughter issues including abuse. I did the same to my oldest daughter. I hated myself for not being a better mother. I worked on it. As soon as my teenagers became abusive to me, I withdrew and became colder. Now that they are in their 30s and 40s I am working to repair all of it. My mentally abusive spouse had a big hand in this, one reason to distrust. His own narcistic need to downgrade me and look better in the eyes of his own children, emotionally unavailable to all of us. Realizing the narcissm in my own parents. I withdrew for self preservation for years but always remembered birthdays and holidays. One thing mine did not do. Its been a journey but I see my daughters not repeating this. Maybe I had a hand in that? I am not sure. But I see my sister repeating the narcism. I have one son who is terrible like his father. 3 children with 3 different women who all leave him. And he abandoned all children. My relationship with my children is much better. I am remarried and much happier.
I have hurt good people that never needed to be hurt and have lost them. I was selfish and wasn’t looking out for the well being of anyone but myself. I know i feel alor of guilt and pain because I’m now lonely but i also am ashamed that i hurt people. I know im better than that. I have not been able to sleep for weeks because all i can do is think over them in my mind. I can handle day to day. All i would like is some sleep. I keep beating myself up and am anxious n think im getting a bit depressed. But i am also fully willing to accept the consequences of my actions. I over think alot and as such it is very hard. Trying mindfulness and meditation, but my head hurts from the lack of sleep and my mind continuously in a mess. Busy mind. I am convinced that i will be better at the end of this but it still hurts that i have to go through this. I wish i was one of those persons that don’t dwell on things, unfortunately that in itself is a task. I know i am better than what my mind tells me. I am an overcomer. I want happiness and love just like anyone else. I’ve made a mess of alot of things. But im hoping for better to come.
The guilt, regret, shame, etc. For loosing my 3 girls to state of Utah and for my son’s dad committing scuicide 3 weeks after our son was born, and all my other wrong doings