How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Anthony Centore
I married the wrong man, I should have married a man I dated before meeting my current husband. I was too afraid to marry the first man because I felt I wasn’t good enough for him; I was scared to get pregnant and have my body change because of the pregnancy; I never felt my body was good enough and when I got to a point where II was happy with it, I met him and knew a family was important to him. I was scared if my body changed when I got pregnant, I wouldn’t be happy and then he wouldn’t be happy. I was too afraid to speak to him about that fear because I was embarrassed. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately and I’m sad that I missed out to be with a wonderful man. My current husband is a great guy but I made a mistake. The guy I should have married is married with a family.
I met a girl when I was 19 when I moved to Atlanta, GA. It seemed like we were best friends instantly and were all always together. We would talk and she could finish my sentences, thoughts and always knew if I was holding back on telling her something. To this day no one has known me as well as she did. She knew almost everything about me and never judged or criticized. Obviously I fell in love with her. The relationship was platonic and I never told her how I felt. I was just sure she didn’t feel the same way. After some time she got back together with an old boyfriend and when she told me I was destroyed. I couldn’t stand to be around her anymore it was too painful. Our friendship deteriorated until we didn’t even talk anymore and were no longer friends. After a while of this I moved away and never talked to her again.
Fast forward 27 years and she located me on line and we started texting and she asked me why I ended up hating her. I told her the truth about how I felt and had thought about her off and on over the years. She was floored because she had felt the same, was convinced I didn’t and settled with her ex boyfriend. I’m divorced, she’s divorcing and we plan on talking more and seeing each other and it’s been awesome.
The hard part about all of this is all of the what if’s and simply the regret of not saying what I felt then The regret is 1000 times worse than the fear I had then. Comparatively this may not be much of a story to others but I struggle with it and with letting go of it. Someone else’s perspective would be great.
I got drunk and lost all inhibition and did something awful I can’t get over. I tried to do sexual things with a friend of the same sex and it did not work out. I don’t have any idea why I did it or any recollection of my thought process or the majority of the night. It was like a dream. I just can’t shake the feeling of shame and guilt.