Viewing posts categorised under: Relationships
“On one hand, he said, these relationships remind the men of a more carefree time in their own lives. On the other hand, there’s a great sense of control. “”They can take things away and limit the amount of money they’re going to spend on the young lady. They can steer (the relationship) into any direction they want to.”"
Learn more about Dr. Harrison Davis here: http://www.atlanta-counseling.com/atlanta-counselors
Read the CNN article here: http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/26/living/students-sugar-daddy-relationships/index.html
- posted in Relationships
Make time for your friends! All of your professors should have given you a syllabus at the beginning of the semester, so you know exactly when your tests take place and when your projects are due. Use this to your advantage. Plan when you are going to study and work on the homework and make plans to spend time with your friends. If you’re struggling with find a time to meet up remember that meals are a great time to get together because everyone has to eat.
2. Value the Time You Spend With Friends
If you are as busy as I am, it really is a blessing that you can find a minute to see and talking to people you love. Be glad that you are able to get some time away from your studies and just hangout and have fun with your friends. Your friends are most likely just as busy as you during this home stretch, so don’t take it lightly that they are sacrificing precious study time to spend time with you, as well. Value the time you have with them because, as the semester goes on, you are only going to get more and more busy.
3. Don’t Focus on School
When you finally are able to spend time with your friends I guarantee your mind is going to drift toward all the stuff you have to get done for your classes. Try to distance yourself from those thoughts and focus on having fun and ridding yourself of any pent up stress. You don’t want to be distracted from enjoying the company of your friends because, honestly, the thought of not doing work when there is work to be done is stressful. You also don’t want your time with your friends spent complaining about all the work you have to get done. Put schoolwork at the back of your mind when you have the opportunity to spend time with your friends and just enjoy life.
And above all, don’t stress about balancing the school and friendships. You’re smart person, you can balance the two with ease. Just remember to plan in advance a time to hang out, value the time you spend with your friends, and don’t focus on school when you’re with them. Being able to maintain those friendships will go a long way in helping to limit any stressors that may arrive during the final leg of the semester. You only have a few more weeks! You can get through it.
Intern at Thriveworks
Surviving a Breakup / Broken Heart – 3 Counseling Tips
You finally found your “soul mate” after years and years of searching. You’ve shared memorable moments with your other half and have already decided, “This could be the one”. Then out of nowhere, you hear the worst words in the world, “I’m breaking up with you.” You ask yourself, “Why me?” Breakups are always one-sided; one person walks away while the other person is torn apart. Almost immediately after a break up, the one that was torn apart is helpless and feels that they will never ever be the same; their happiness converts to depression.
If you’ve been through any crucial breakup, whether you’ve been cheated on or not, do yourself a favor and follow these 3 steps. Remember, these are the same steps that helped me survive my most tragic heartbreak.
1) Be Thankful – What? Be thankful? Why would you be thankful of such a thing?! Well, the reason is, be thankful that the person walked out of your life NOW rather than LATER. Be thankful that they broke up with you 1, 2, 3, or even 4 years into the relationship rather than 10, 20, or 30 years into the relationship. Why let a breakup hurt you more than it hurt the person that broke up with you? Your goal in life is to find your soul mate, yes, but remember, this is a long journey, no matter how old you are. Wouldn’t you rather die loving someone who loved you back than live loving someone who didn’t? Always remember that no matter who you are, you are perfect the way you are, it sounds cliché but it’s true. If you show no emotion after someone breaks up with you, you are showing that person that you are independent without them; this also shows that person that you will find someone that will love you more than they ever did.
2) Focus on your Goals in Life – As bad as it sounds, sometimes, relationships just come and go, even the good ones. Rather than beating yourself up after getting your heartbroken, focus on making yourself happy. Remember, you were happy before you even met this person that broke your heart. Go back to setting goals for yourself. No matter who you are, the more active you are with your life, the more you will run into people that share the same interests as you; these people are potential soul mates. One of the main points of surviving heartbreak is to make yourself a better person than before, that way your heartbreak stays with your former self rather than the newer you. Another huge goal you can set, despite your age, is to exercise more; since serotonin, a feel-good hormone, is released when your blood and muscles are pumping.
3) Vent out to a friend – When someone breaks your heart, sometimes all you can do is vent, preferably to a friend. When you speak your thoughts aloud, you start to realize how everything really sounds. The more you vent to someone, the more you realize how stupid it is to hurt over someone that doesn’t deserve your love. The best part of venting is that you can pretty much say anything you want without the person you’re venting about knowing! The MAIN reason why people cry over someone else is because all they can remember are the good memories they had together. When venting, you have to remember all of the annoying, disrespectful things about the person that broke your heart. You have to remember all of their flaws because the more bad things you remember about that person, the more good things you can find in the next person you choose to give your heart to.
Heartbreak sucks, but there are ways to save you tears and pain. Sometimes its very hard to let go. Believe me, as someone who has been through one of the toughest breakups, I highly encourage you to: be thankful that that hurtful person is out of your life, focus on making yourself happy by working on other life goals, and finally, vent to a friend every thought that is going through your head. When heartbreak occurs, life goes on, but when you choose to live your life rather than hurt, your open yourself up to new happiness.
If you often find yourself giving into demands of your partner and feel fear if you had the occasion to not give in, you might be in a relationship in which your partner goes overboard using emotional blackmail to control you.
- Manipulating your decisions and choices by reacting negatively to the choices he or she decides isn’t what they want you to do.
- Intimidate you until you do what they want.
- Blame you for something that you didn’t do so that you feel you have to work overtime to win back their affection.
- Accuse you of doing something you didn’t do for the same reasons.
- Suffer dramatically and publicly until you agree to do what they want to make them happy.
- And the worst: Threaten to harm either you or themselves to get you to do (or not do) something.
People who use guilt and emotional blackmail to manipulate and control often work in cycles. There is a period of time in which things seem to be going well and often the victim might let their guard down because the manipulation and intimidation went away. Perhaps the victim will then feel “I must be doing things correctly now.”
Unfortunately, people who resort to emotional blackmail are often extremely insecure. When the person who uses emotional blackmail starts to feel out of control or uneasy about a situation, they may begin to increase the pressure of manipulation to their partner.
If you are a victim of emotional blackmail and you believe your partner is using guilt to control or manipulate you, you need to seek help right away (Depending on the situation, individual or couples counseling could be indicated).
While you wait for help and work on counseling with a therapist, take these three vital steps:
- Establish clear boundaries and don’t allow the poor attitude of your partner to change your mind. Giving into emotional blackmail only makes things worse.
- If your partner threatens physical harm or alludes to hurting you, leave immediately and call the authorities. Don’t stay in a potentially dangerous situation simply because you’re afraid to lose personal belongings. They can all be replaced; you can’t.
- Reach out to your social support system for help while you are getting professional help. Your therapist or counselor provides valuable help and insight, but they can’t be there for you 24/7.
Many people have a certain level of insecurity; don’t assume that anyone who is insecure is going to turn into an emotional blackmailing monster. Sometimes it’s just a matter of simple reassurance and making your partner feel special. When the reassurances cease to be enough and you feel more and more manipulated by the emotions of your partner, those are the red flags that should alert you that something is wrong.
This article is presented by Thriveworks Atlanta Counseling, 8800 Roswell Rd #255, Atlanta, GA 30350, 404-719-4233.
Maintaining friendship in your marriage takes work. But if you are looking for a high yield investment, this is the one you need. Below are 5 couples counseling tips:
1. Make a list of what you want in a best friend.
This is a simple, but effective first step: Write down all the things your spouse could do and say to make you feel like you are their best friend.
2. To have a friend, you must first be a friend.
Now, take that list and act as if your spouse gave you that list. To have a friend you must first be a friend. Building a friendship with your spouse will happen more naturally when you act as your spouse’s best friend rather than presenting your spouse with demands for what you want.
3. Eliminate as much negativity as possible.
Life is tough enough without nit picking and nagging between lovers. You can advance peace, harmony, and friendship more effectively by expressing gratitude to your spouse for things they already do. You may be surprised to discover that the more genuinely thankful you are, the more things your spouse will find to do to keep those accolades coming. So even if you have to start small, start somewhere.
4. Go back to dating.
Do you remember things your spouse did for you back when you were dating that made you feel special? It’s likely that there are things you used to do for your spouse that you don’t do anymore, either. Identify those nice gestures and do them again. You probably do all kinds of things for your friends that keep them friends, so consider those things, too.
5. Encourage their favorite activities…even if it’s not your cup of tea.
My husband and I love movies. Unfortunately, he likes sci-fi and I like romantic comedies. We joke about “punishing” the other one by dragging them to see our favorite movie; but in reality, we’ve both discovered we can enjoy each other’s types of movie genres even if it wasn’t our first choice (and often would be our very last choice). By taking interest in your spouse’s favorite activities, music, or movies, you are sending a very important message: “You’re important!”
You certainly have the option to focus on “me time” during a hectic family life. However, don’t forget that our closest support system positively impacts every area of our lives. Don’t be surprised if one day you turn to your spouse for support and they are no longer there. Friendship in marriage is the one root that can grow deep and help weather the storms of life, but it must be nurtured and protected.
This articles is presented by Staff Writer at Thrive Boston Counseling, offering couples counseling at 872 Massachusetts Ave, Ste 2-2, Cambridge, MA 02139 – 617-395-5806.
Emotional blackmail is an issue far more commonplace than people realize. It is defined as someone preying upon the emotions and sensibilities of another for personal gain, rather than external data. This form of extortion usually occurs within close relationships (fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, boyfriends and girlfriends, etc.). People usually emotionally blackmail others out of fear of abandonment, fear of being hurt, or feelings of desperation. Take note, there are ways to combat emotional blackmail. The tips below may help to provide a better understanding of how to do so.
Helpful Tips: What Can I Do?
- Don’t give in to demands – If you find someone close to you putting you through emotional blackmail, one thing you can do is gently but firmly resist their demands. One way to recognize whether or not you are being emotionally blackmailed is through close examination of the offending party’s terms. Usually such demands will begin with with the word “if.” For example, a spouse might say, “If you hang out with your friends tonight, I’m going to leave you.” In such situations it is important to hold firm. One might respond “I don’t want you to leave, but I am still going out with my friends.” Note: when threats of this level are being made, it might be helpful to seek an outside perspective on such conflicts from friends, family, or a couples counseling professional.
- Exercise caution in future relationships – Sometimes the only way to truly free oneself from emotional blackmail is to separate from the extortioner As difficult as it may be, if you have done everything you possibly can to salvage your relationship with that person and they continue to manipulate and distort your emotions, it may be time to move on. In the future, prior to exploring a relationship with someone, it might be helpful to compose an emotional “checklist” to identify any early signs of manipulation. The knowledge that an individual will not use your emotions against you is important to have before making yourself emotionally vulnerable around them. If early caution is exercised in the people you associate yourself with, it is possible to avoid such difficult and unnecessary conflicts completely.
Emotional blackmail can be extremely detrimental to one’s life if not properly dealt with. The aforementioned tips can be helpful in successfully combating such issues, however it is important to recognize that this is a highly fluid form of extortion, and should not be taken lightly. Emotional blackmail is a serious issue, so if you are faced with it, the best solution for experiencing resolution and positive growth might be to seek the help of an experienced professional counselor, or moving on from the relationship altogether.
This article is provided by Thrive Boston. Please visit us at http://www.thriveboston.com/ or give us a call at 1-617-395-5806 for further assistance.
It’s been said that trust is like air: we only notice it when it’s polluted.
But how do we measure trust? According to the research of Dr. Megan Moran, We trust:
When we believe another has our best interests at heart
when we believe another tells us the truth
when we believe another has nothing to hide
and when we can count on another to do what he or she SAYS they will do
But What about when Trust is Broken?
As everyone knows, repairing trust is difficult, and an attempt to do so doesn’t always succeed.
To restore trust, both parties have a role to play. For simplicity, let’s call the person who was wronged, “the victim” and the trust breaker “the violator”
To begin the process of restoring trust, the ball is actually in the victims court, as it’s the victim who needs to decide whether it’s worth his or her time and energy to restore the relationship.
If the victim decides it is, the violator then needs to engage in what are known as “the 4 A’s” of Absolution:
A number 1) Admit It: The violator must acknowledge that trust was broken.
A number 2) Apologize: The violator must express regret.
A number 3) Ask for Forgiveness:
A number 4) Make Amends: With this, the victim could specify some acts of reparation designed to test the violator’s commitment to rebuilding the relationship (as a side, Reparation also creates an opportunity for the violator to work out any feelings of guilt he or she may have over the harm that was done).
So what do you think? Can trust ever be fully restored? Let us know YOUR thoughts in the comments.
Is it harder to find friends as an Adult? A new york times article suggests, it might be.
In lieu of making BFFs, after their college years, many individuals are settling for KOFs … that is, kind of friends.
Worse yet, for many persons, once they leave the dorm, friends with whom they were once close start fading away. As one 30-something quipped, if they were in your bridal party, you probably don’t see them anymore.
According to the Times, people begin to realize how much their group of friends has waned only during a major life event, such a birthday, a move, or a divorce.
psychotherapist Dr. Robert Glover, After a divorce in his 40s, realized that his outfit of friends had atrophied to the bone. He says, “….I’d go to salsa lessons. Instead of trying to pick up the women, I’d introduce myself to the men: ‘Hey, let’s go get a drink.’ ”
Like many, Dr. Glover found it harder making friends the second time around? Why is this?
Sociologists point to three necessary conditions for making close friends:
repeated, unplanned interactions;
and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other,
So what to do if you find your circle of friends looking more like a…smaller circle?
First, Spend less time at home, and more time in places where “repeated, unplanned interactions” can occur.
Second, Be forward, but not pushy. Let your KOFs know you’re trying to rebuild your inner circle.
Third, Kill you tv, but not you’re computer. You’ll need it to join some local groups on websites like meetup.com.
What do you think? Is it harder to make friends after college? Let us know with your comments!
With Thriveworks, I’m AJ Centore.
• Sometimes this is because the partner doesn’t believe in counseling.
• Sometimes a partner is resistant because he or she feels they are too angry, or they don’t have hope for the relationship. This happens when couples have had longstanding problems, or have waited until the ‘breaking point’ to seek help.
There is no ‘trick’ to get your partner to join you in couples counseling. While the following tips may help you to encourage your partner, they are not ways to manipulate your partner. In fact, you will find that many of the strategies below can only be effective if you are not trying to manipulate your partner, and only if you, yourself, are dedicated to improving the relationship, and willing to improve yourself as an important part of the process!
Are you ready? Here are a few ideas of ways that you can help encourage your spouse to join you in couples counseling:
1) Don’t Wait Too Long
When possible, couples counseling should be a first or second line of defense – not a last resort – to a helping a relationship. For example, if you are experiencing a problem in your relationship, the first step is to try and talk with your partner to see if you can find a solution together. If you can’t come to an agreement that works for both of you, the second step would be to consider getting some help. Often just a couple of sessions with a counselor will help resolve an issue in a healthy way.
Too often, couples begin considering couples counseling as a last resort – when the relationship is at a breaking point: after destructive words have been said, after an affair, or during or after a trial separation. While this is a harder place to begin, if you are in these circumstances, don’t be discouraged! Marriage therapists can often help couples in crisis make amazing progress.
2) Ask for a Favor, or Make a Trade
Your partner may not want to attend counseling because he or she doesn’t “like the idea of it,” or doesn’t think it will help. If this is the case, instead of trying to convince your partner that counseling can help, simply ask your partner if they will accompany you to counseling as a favor to you.
Depending on how things have been going between you, there is a chance that your partner might not feel like doing you any favors. In this is the case, consider whether there is a favor or concession that you could give to your partner, in exchange for his or her attendance at a couples counseling appointment.
Note: this is not blackmail! This is not extortion! The idea is to go above and beyond what is fair, as a way to encourage your spouse or partner to accompany you to couples counseling. Is there something your partner has wanted from you, that you have been unwilling to provide?
3) Focus on Your Change
Sometimes when one partner recommends couples counseling, the receiving partner can feel they are being told that something is wrong with them. If this is the case, resistance to counseling is to be expected.
To increase the odds that your partner will accompany you to couples counseling, tell your partner that you want to change the way that you are being in the relationship, and that you want your partner’s help in your self-improvement process.
Don’t lie. If your partner asks if you think that they need to change, be honest! But tell your partner that you are 100% interested in first investigating how you can to change to be a better partner.
4) Show First Signs of Change, Yourself
Often, when someone avoids couples counseling it’s because they don’t think it will be effective in facilitating real change in their partner or relationship. Counter this worry by helping your partner to see that you’re not only willing to change, but also that you have already begun improving yourself.
Going to counseling on your own is a good way to show that you are serious about committing to a self-improvement process. Alternatively, reading a book or two about couples counseling (or printing and reading articles from online, such as http://thriveworks.com), and sharing with your partner what you have learned about yourself, is a great way to show your partner you are serious about growth.
5) Emphasize Partnership
Remind your partner that, while your relationship has difficulties, you want to “Partner” with him or her to improve the relationship together. Show solidarity, and an openness to do whatever is necessary for a healthy, happy partnership.
6) Show that the Counselor is a Neutral Party
If you have spoken with a couples counselor by telephone, or perhaps even met with a counselor, make sure that you stress to your partner that the counselor is in no way “on your side” but will work with the two of you impartially.
If your partner is worried about the counselor being biased by his or her preliminary contact with you, offer to balance things out by having your partner meet with the counselor alone to “tell your side of the story.” Alternatively, offer to see a new couples counselor, that neither of you have had contact with, as a way to start counseling fresh, together.
7) Suggest a Phone Consultation
If your partner is nervous about counseling, offer that he or she talk with the counselor by telephone to help him or her get comfortable. A telephone consultation is a great way to ease into the idea of going to couples counseling.
8 ) Ask Hypothetically “What would you want to get out of Couples Counseling?”
If you suggest couples counseling, your partner may have some resistance because it was “your idea” . Help to make couples counseling a shared idea by asking your partner, “Hypothetically, if we were to go to couples counseling, what would you most want to get out of our sessions?”
This question may also help your partner to begin thinking about his or her potential gains from couples counseling.
9) Talk about “Even If”
Your partner may say that he or she doesn’t want to go to counseling because there is no hope for the relationship. You can respond to this argument by using “even if.”
The idea here is that “even if” the relationship has “no hope,” counseling can still help the two of you to part on good terms, and may help each of you to learn from the experience so that you don’t make similar mistakes in future relationships.
If your relationship is a marriage, divorce can cost tens (or hundreds) of thousands of dollars if the separation isn’t amicable. Counseling can—at a minimum—help you and your partner create a plan for a civil separation with less litigation.
10) Instill hope
Hope is everything. Talk to your partner about how you think couples counseling can help. Mention that even though things have been difficult, and even though there is work and repair to be done, you still have hope for the relationship, and for a happy future together. This positivity is a huge first step.
We hope that you have found this information helpful. If your relationship is in distress, discord, or simply could use a little help around particular issues, there are many ways to find an excellent couples counselor in your area, including contacting local counseling associations, or by asking for a referral from your primary care doctor.
Thriveworks (http://thriveworks.com) offers a growing network of licensed couples counselors who have gone through a rigorous screening process, have been nominated by other licensed professionals, and who are focused on providing high-quality counseling care to individuals and couples. Call us toll-free at 1-855-4-THRIVE.
Dr. Anthony Centore
The Internet provides many opportunities for creating new relationships through social networking and online dating. However, some websites may be just as effective at destroying relationships. Below are the top 10 websites that can contribute to relationship problems, distress, and sometimes relationship crisis.
For some couples, Internet use is a symptom but not a root cause of relationship problems. However, for other couples, compulsive Internet use itself may result in one partner feeling abandoned or ignored.
The list below reveals our picks for the top 10 websites that harm relationships, in descending order:
10) YouTube (As a substitute for Porn):
YouTube is a problem website for couples who have installed pornography filters on their PCs. While explicit adult websites may be blocked from view, husbands can still search YouTube for the most arousing videos of scantily clad co-eds.
9) Drudge Report (drudgereport.com)
The Drudge Report’s news page is updated every three minutes—a constant I.V. drip of breaking news. Like Skinner’s pigeons tapping a bar for a food pellet, some people in relationships find it difficult to resist constantly checking The Drudge Report for updates. Relationships can struggle when one partner is unable to unplug and the other feels ignored.
8 ) Craigslist (www.craigslist.org):
In spite of the existence of more targeted, and sexually inspired, dating websites such as “Adult Friend Finder” (that also made the list), Craigslist is still a frequent choice for spouses looking for a casual erotic encounter. The risks of soliciting extra-marital liaisons on Craigslist are perhaps best illustrated by the recent case of Gary Wandschneider, a senior Pepsi executive, who connected with 22 year old Jessica Wolcott on the website. Things did not go well, as Wolcott attempted to extort Wandschneider for $125,000.
7) Adult Friend Finder (adultfriendfinder.com):
Couples in crisis often land in couples counseling when one finds evidence that their partner has visited or created a profile on Adult Friend Finder, a website that bills itself as: “the ultimate source for free sex personals and adult dating.” AshleyMadison.com is another potential source for sexual affairs, one that caters to married persons specifically.
6) Facebook (facebook.com)
Facebook connections and “Facebook friends” often become a source of relationship tension, as couples quarrel over who a significant other should and shouldn’t be “friends” with. According to Dr. Anthony Centore, Founder of Thriveworks Counseling, “To people in your Facebook network, your actions are very public. Your significant other can see who you’ve been interacting with, and can scrutinize whether you are ‘guilty’ of flirting.” Trouble can find the inactive Facebook user too, as secret liaisons can be exposed when someone ‘tags’ a photo.
5) Google Chrome’s Default Browser Page
Google Chrome is a relationship destroyer. The popular browser generates a “home screen” of the users’ viewing history along with a web page screenshot of recently visited websites. A significant other could receive an unwelcome surprise when sitting down at their partner’s computer. Notable mention: Tabbed browsing can also present surprises, as careless spouses who don’t close out all their tabs give partners a front row seat to websites they’ve been visiting online—often pornography or even dating websites.
4) OK Cupid / Match (okcupid.com / match.com)
Couples in distress might find their partner or spouse on either OkCupid.com or Match.com. The most common response of the ‘caught’ partner is that they had innocently neglected to delete an old profile. eHarmony.com and Chemistry.com did not make our list as problem web sites for couples, because of their stronger stance against infidelity.
3) Twitter (twitter.com)
Unique to Twitter, partners may get into trouble as a result of this website, without ever even having an account. With Twitter, it is possible for a lying spouse to be found out via someone else’s public Twitter tweets. For example, a tweet such as “Happy Birthday my lady Mary-Sue” could alert Mary-Sue’s husband of an ongoing affair.
2) YouPorn (youporn dot com)
For many couples, a partner’s use of pornography creates significant relationship distress—as partners can become deeply hurt when they learn their significant other is satisfying sexual needs with the images of others. With youporn-dot-com, a partner could have a surprise when they try to type the URL “youtube.com,” and their web browser auto-completes the web address, based on past use. Note; while therapists are seeing symptoms of sexual addiction in women and men, pornography use is more often a behavior of men.
1) Gmail (gmail.com)
Gmail earns first place as a relationship killer for two reasons:
- It can be a compulsive and frequent distraction
- It can expose infidelity
Though checking e-mail seems innocuous enough, compulsive email checking is a serious problem for many high achieving, driven individuals. You don’t need to travel far to find someone who feels less important than their partners’ email. Persons today often complain that their partner never grants them their full attention.
Gmail is also an easy method for a partner to get caught cheating. This is due in part to Gmail’s large storage capacity and archiving feature (and excellent search capabilities). When someone neglects to log-out of their e-mail account, this presents an opportunity for a suspicious spouse to verify that a partner is (or was) cheating. This type of behavior is not uncommon, as a recent study by University of Oxford researchers, and published in the Journal Computers in Human Behavior, shows that one fifth of couples snoop in their partners email.
ABOUT THRIVEWORKS COUNSELING AND LIFE COACHING
Thriveworks Counseling and Life Coaching connects individuals and couples to excellent, licensed therapists. Clinical specialties include depression counseling, anxiety therapy, couples counseling, and personal growth.
Thriveworks Counseling’s philosophy is that that everyone has the ability to live a happy, successful, amazing life. For more information, contact Dr. Anthony Centore, Director. Phone: 617-395-5806. http://thriveworks.com – firstname.lastname@example.org.