Viewing posts categorised under: Marriage
Clinical Psychologist Meg Jay on why 20 is not the new 30
- posted in Blog, Career and Money, Family, Marriage
Clinical Psychologist Meg Jay was featured on TED talks this past week for her talk on twentysomthings.
According to Meg, there are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now. That’s about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you consider that no one’s getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.
Meg specializes in twentysomethings because she believe that every single 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already know: that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative, things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world.
To view the entire Ted Talk:
“This is not my opinion. These are the facts. We know that 80 percent of life’s most defining moments take place by age 35. That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and “Aha!” moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s. People who are over 40, don’t panic. This crowd is going to be fine, I think. We know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you’re going to earn. We know that more than half of Americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30. We know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself, now is the time to change it. We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life, and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35. So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.”
“Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX, bound for somewhere west. Right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji. Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29, one good conversation, one good break, one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come. So here’s an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know…Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. Don’t be defined by what you didn’t know or didn’t do. You’re deciding your life right now.
6 Warning Signs of Emotional Blackmail: Couples Counseling Tips
- posted in Blog, Marriage, Relationships
When does it become emotional blackmail? It’s not entirely uncommon to acquiesce to your partner’s requests. After all, you can compromise as well as the next person. But when does healthy compromise turn into something else–something more sinister and harmful?
If you often find yourself giving into demands of your partner and feel fear if you had the occasion to not give in, you might be in a relationship in which your partner goes overboard using emotional blackmail to control you.
Warning Signs
- Manipulating your decisions and choices by reacting negatively to the choices he or she decides isn’t what they want you to do.
- Intimidate you until you do what they want.
- Blame you for something that you didn’t do so that you feel you have to work overtime to win back their affection.
- Accuse you of doing something you didn’t do for the same reasons.
- Suffer dramatically and publicly until you agree to do what they want to make them happy.
- And the worst: Threaten to harm either you or themselves to get you to do (or not do) something.
People who use guilt and emotional blackmail to manipulate and control often work in cycles. There is a period of time in which things seem to be going well and often the victim might let their guard down because the manipulation and intimidation went away. Perhaps the victim will then feel “I must be doing things correctly now.”
Unfortunately, people who resort to emotional blackmail are often extremely insecure. When the person who uses emotional blackmail starts to feel out of control or uneasy about a situation, they may begin to increase the pressure of manipulation to their partner.
If you are a victim of emotional blackmail and you believe your partner is using guilt to control or manipulate you, you need to seek help right away (Depending on the situation, individual or couples counseling could be indicated).
While you wait for help and work on counseling with a therapist, take these three vital steps:
- Establish clear boundaries and don’t allow the poor attitude of your partner to change your mind. Giving into emotional blackmail only makes things worse.
- If your partner threatens physical harm or alludes to hurting you, leave immediately and call the authorities. Don’t stay in a potentially dangerous situation simply because you’re afraid to lose personal belongings. They can all be replaced; you can’t.
- Reach out to your social support system for help while you are getting professional help. Your therapist or counselor provides valuable help and insight, but they can’t be there for you 24/7.
Many people have a certain level of insecurity; don’t assume that anyone who is insecure is going to turn into an emotional blackmailing monster. Sometimes it’s just a matter of simple reassurance and making your partner feel special. When the reassurances cease to be enough and you feel more and more manipulated by the emotions of your partner, those are the red flags that should alert you that something is wrong.
This article is presented by Thriveworks Atlanta Counseling, 8800 Roswell Rd #255, Atlanta, GA 30350, 404-719-4233.
Couples Counseling Tips: Five Steps to Make Your Spouse Your Best Friend
- posted in Blog, Marriage, Relationships
Couples Counseling Tips: Fiery romance born from physical attraction is the basis of many engagements and marriages. But stop and think about it: What attributes describe best friend relationships? Honest and open communication, trust, acceptance, support, affirmation, empathy, and enthusiasm for shared interests…the list could go on and on. Wouldn’t those same attributes make for a great marriage?
Maintaining friendship in your marriage takes work. But if you are looking for a high yield investment, this is the one you need. Below are 5 couples counseling tips:
1. Make a list of what you want in a best friend.
This is a simple, but effective first step: Write down all the things your spouse could do and say to make you feel like you are their best friend.
2. To have a friend, you must first be a friend.
Now, take that list and act as if your spouse gave you that list. To have a friend you must first be a friend. Building a friendship with your spouse will happen more naturally when you act as your spouse’s best friend rather than presenting your spouse with demands for what you want.
3. Eliminate as much negativity as possible.
Life is tough enough without nit picking and nagging between lovers. You can advance peace, harmony, and friendship more effectively by expressing gratitude to your spouse for things they already do. You may be surprised to discover that the more genuinely thankful you are, the more things your spouse will find to do to keep those accolades coming. So even if you have to start small, start somewhere.
4. Go back to dating.
Do you remember things your spouse did for you back when you were dating that made you feel special? It’s likely that there are things you used to do for your spouse that you don’t do anymore, either. Identify those nice gestures and do them again. You probably do all kinds of things for your friends that keep them friends, so consider those things, too.
5. Encourage their favorite activities…even if it’s not your cup of tea.
My husband and I love movies. Unfortunately, he likes sci-fi and I like romantic comedies. We joke about “punishing” the other one by dragging them to see our favorite movie; but in reality, we’ve both discovered we can enjoy each other’s types of movie genres even if it wasn’t our first choice (and often would be our very last choice). By taking interest in your spouse’s favorite activities, music, or movies, you are sending a very important message: “You’re important!”
You certainly have the option to focus on “me time” during a hectic family life. However, don’t forget that our closest support system positively impacts every area of our lives. Don’t be surprised if one day you turn to your spouse for support and they are no longer there. Friendship in marriage is the one root that can grow deep and help weather the storms of life, but it must be nurtured and protected.
This articles is presented by Staff Writer at Thrive Boston Counseling, offering couples counseling at 872 Massachusetts Ave, Ste 2-2, Cambridge, MA 02139 – 617-395-5806.
How to Rebuild Broken Trust [VIDEO]
- posted in Blog, Marriage, Relationships
It’s been said that trust is like air: we only notice it when it’s polluted.
But how do we measure trust? According to the research of Dr. Megan Moran, We trust:
When we believe another has our best interests at heart
when we believe another tells us the truth
when we believe another has nothing to hide
and when we can count on another to do what he or she SAYS they will do
But What about when Trust is Broken?
As everyone knows, repairing trust is difficult, and an attempt to do so doesn’t always succeed.
To restore trust, both parties have a role to play. For simplicity, let’s call the person who was wronged, “the victim” and the trust breaker “the violator”
To begin the process of restoring trust, the ball is actually in the victims court, as it’s the victim who needs to decide whether it’s worth his or her time and energy to restore the relationship.
If the victim decides it is, the violator then needs to engage in what are known as “the 4 A’s” of Absolution:
A number 1) Admit It: The violator must acknowledge that trust was broken.
A number 2) Apologize: The violator must express regret.
A number 3) Ask for Forgiveness:
A number 4) Make Amends: With this, the victim could specify some acts of reparation designed to test the violator’s commitment to rebuilding the relationship (as a side, Reparation also creates an opportunity for the violator to work out any feelings of guilt he or she may have over the harm that was done).
So what do you think? Can trust ever be fully restored? Let us know YOUR thoughts in the comments.
10 Ways to Encourage your Partner to Attend Couples Counseling
- posted in Blog, Marriage, Relationships
Thriveworks counselors help thousands of couples improve their relationships every year. Working with couples on such a regular basis, it is not unusual for us to receive phone calls from couples where one partner is reluctant.
• Sometimes this is because the partner doesn’t believe in counseling.
• Sometimes a partner is resistant because he or she feels they are too angry, or they don’t have hope for the relationship. This happens when couples have had longstanding problems, or have waited until the ‘breaking point’ to seek help.
There is no ‘trick’ to get your partner to join you in couples counseling. While the following tips may help you to encourage your partner, they are not ways to manipulate your partner. In fact, you will find that many of the strategies below can only be effective if you are not trying to manipulate your partner, and only if you, yourself, are dedicated to improving the relationship, and willing to improve yourself as an important part of the process!
Are you ready? Here are a few ideas of ways that you can help encourage your spouse to join you in couples counseling:
1) Don’t Wait Too Long
When possible, couples counseling should be a first or second line of defense – not a last resort – to a helping a relationship. For example, if you are experiencing a problem in your relationship, the first step is to try and talk with your partner to see if you can find a solution together. If you can’t come to an agreement that works for both of you, the second step would be to consider getting some help. Often just a couple of sessions with a counselor will help resolve an issue in a healthy way.
Too often, couples begin considering couples counseling as a last resort – when the relationship is at a breaking point: after destructive words have been said, after an affair, or during or after a trial separation. While this is a harder place to begin, if you are in these circumstances, don’t be discouraged! Marriage therapists can often help couples in crisis make amazing progress.
2) Ask for a Favor, or Make a Trade
Your partner may not want to attend counseling because he or she doesn’t “like the idea of it,” or doesn’t think it will help. If this is the case, instead of trying to convince your partner that counseling can help, simply ask your partner if they will accompany you to counseling as a favor to you.
Depending on how things have been going between you, there is a chance that your partner might not feel like doing you any favors. In this is the case, consider whether there is a favor or concession that you could give to your partner, in exchange for his or her attendance at a couples counseling appointment.
Note: this is not blackmail! This is not extortion! The idea is to go above and beyond what is fair, as a way to encourage your spouse or partner to accompany you to couples counseling. Is there something your partner has wanted from you, that you have been unwilling to provide?
3) Focus on Your Change
Sometimes when one partner recommends couples counseling, the receiving partner can feel they are being told that something is wrong with them. If this is the case, resistance to counseling is to be expected.
To increase the odds that your partner will accompany you to couples counseling, tell your partner that you want to change the way that you are being in the relationship, and that you want your partner’s help in your self-improvement process.
Don’t lie. If your partner asks if you think that they need to change, be honest! But tell your partner that you are 100% interested in first investigating how you can to change to be a better partner.
4) Show First Signs of Change, Yourself
Often, when someone avoids couples counseling it’s because they don’t think it will be effective in facilitating real change in their partner or relationship. Counter this worry by helping your partner to see that you’re not only willing to change, but also that you have already begun improving yourself.
Going to counseling on your own is a good way to show that you are serious about committing to a self-improvement process. Alternatively, reading a book or two about couples counseling (or printing and reading articles from online, such as http://thriveworks.com), and sharing with your partner what you have learned about yourself, is a great way to show your partner you are serious about growth.
5) Emphasize Partnership
Remind your partner that, while your relationship has difficulties, you want to “Partner” with him or her to improve the relationship together. Show solidarity, and an openness to do whatever is necessary for a healthy, happy partnership.
6) Show that the Counselor is a Neutral Party
If you have spoken with a couples counselor by telephone, or perhaps even met with a counselor, make sure that you stress to your partner that the counselor is in no way “on your side” but will work with the two of you impartially.
If your partner is worried about the counselor being biased by his or her preliminary contact with you, offer to balance things out by having your partner meet with the counselor alone to “tell your side of the story.” Alternatively, offer to see a new couples counselor, that neither of you have had contact with, as a way to start counseling fresh, together.
7) Suggest a Phone Consultation
If your partner is nervous about counseling, offer that he or she talk with the counselor by telephone to help him or her get comfortable. A telephone consultation is a great way to ease into the idea of going to couples counseling.
8 ) Ask Hypothetically “What would you want to get out of Couples Counseling?”
If you suggest couples counseling, your partner may have some resistance because it was “your idea” . Help to make couples counseling a shared idea by asking your partner, “Hypothetically, if we were to go to couples counseling, what would you most want to get out of our sessions?”
This question may also help your partner to begin thinking about his or her potential gains from couples counseling.
9) Talk about “Even If”
Your partner may say that he or she doesn’t want to go to counseling because there is no hope for the relationship. You can respond to this argument by using “even if.”
The idea here is that “even if” the relationship has “no hope,” counseling can still help the two of you to part on good terms, and may help each of you to learn from the experience so that you don’t make similar mistakes in future relationships.
If your relationship is a marriage, divorce can cost tens (or hundreds) of thousands of dollars if the separation isn’t amicable. Counseling can—at a minimum—help you and your partner create a plan for a civil separation with less litigation.
10) Instill hope
Hope is everything. Talk to your partner about how you think couples counseling can help. Mention that even though things have been difficult, and even though there is work and repair to be done, you still have hope for the relationship, and for a happy future together. This positivity is a huge first step.
Final Thoughts
We hope that you have found this information helpful. If your relationship is in distress, discord, or simply could use a little help around particular issues, there are many ways to find an excellent couples counselor in your area, including contacting local counseling associations, or by asking for a referral from your primary care doctor.
Thriveworks (http://thriveworks.com) offers a growing network of licensed couples counselors who have gone through a rigorous screening process, have been nominated by other licensed professionals, and who are focused on providing high-quality counseling care to individuals and couples. Call us toll-free at 1-855-4-THRIVE.
Sincerely,
Dr. Anthony Centore
CEO, http://thriveworks.com
The Top 10 Websites that Destroy Relationships and Marriages
- posted in Blog, Marriage, Relationships
The Internet provides many opportunities for creating new relationships through social networking and online dating. However, some websites may be just as effective at destroying relationships. Below are the top 10 websites that can contribute to relationship problems, distress, and sometimes relationship crisis.
For some couples, Internet use is a symptom but not a root cause of relationship problems. However, for other couples, compulsive Internet use itself may result in one partner feeling abandoned or ignored.
The list below reveals our picks for the top 10 websites that harm relationships, in descending order:
10) YouTube (As a substitute for Porn):
YouTube is a problem website for couples who have installed pornography filters on their PCs. While explicit adult websites may be blocked from view, husbands can still search YouTube for the most arousing videos of scantily clad co-eds.
9) Drudge Report (drudgereport.com)
The Drudge Report’s news page is updated every three minutes—a constant I.V. drip of breaking news. Like Skinner’s pigeons tapping a bar for a food pellet, some people in relationships find it difficult to resist constantly checking The Drudge Report for updates. Relationships can struggle when one partner is unable to unplug and the other feels ignored.
8 ) Craigslist (www.craigslist.org):
In spite of the existence of more targeted, and sexually inspired, dating websites such as “Adult Friend Finder” (that also made the list), Craigslist is still a frequent choice for spouses looking for a casual erotic encounter. The risks of soliciting extra-marital liaisons on Craigslist are perhaps best illustrated by the recent case of Gary Wandschneider, a senior Pepsi executive, who connected with 22 year old Jessica Wolcott on the website. Things did not go well, as Wolcott attempted to extort Wandschneider for $125,000.
7) Adult Friend Finder (adultfriendfinder.com):
Couples in crisis often land in couples counseling when one finds evidence that their partner has visited or created a profile on Adult Friend Finder, a website that bills itself as: “the ultimate source for free sex personals and adult dating.” AshleyMadison.com is another potential source for sexual affairs, one that caters to married persons specifically.
6) Facebook (facebook.com)
Facebook connections and “Facebook friends” often become a source of relationship tension, as couples quarrel over who a significant other should and shouldn’t be “friends” with. According to Dr. Anthony Centore, Founder of Thriveworks Counseling, “To people in your Facebook network, your actions are very public. Your significant other can see who you’ve been interacting with, and can scrutinize whether you are ‘guilty’ of flirting.” Trouble can find the inactive Facebook user too, as secret liaisons can be exposed when someone ‘tags’ a photo.
5) Google Chrome’s Default Browser Page
Google Chrome is a relationship destroyer. The popular browser generates a “home screen” of the users’ viewing history along with a web page screenshot of recently visited websites. A significant other could receive an unwelcome surprise when sitting down at their partner’s computer. Notable mention: Tabbed browsing can also present surprises, as careless spouses who don’t close out all their tabs give partners a front row seat to websites they’ve been visiting online—often pornography or even dating websites.
4) OK Cupid / Match (okcupid.com / match.com)
Couples in distress might find their partner or spouse on either OkCupid.com or Match.com. The most common response of the ‘caught’ partner is that they had innocently neglected to delete an old profile. eHarmony.com and Chemistry.com did not make our list as problem web sites for couples, because of their stronger stance against infidelity.
3) Twitter (twitter.com)
Unique to Twitter, partners may get into trouble as a result of this website, without ever even having an account. With Twitter, it is possible for a lying spouse to be found out via someone else’s public Twitter tweets. For example, a tweet such as “Happy Birthday my lady Mary-Sue” could alert Mary-Sue’s husband of an ongoing affair.
2) YouPorn (youporn dot com)
For many couples, a partner’s use of pornography creates significant relationship distress—as partners can become deeply hurt when they learn their significant other is satisfying sexual needs with the images of others. With youporn-dot-com, a partner could have a surprise when they try to type the URL “youtube.com,” and their web browser auto-completes the web address, based on past use. Note; while therapists are seeing symptoms of sexual addiction in women and men, pornography use is more often a behavior of men.
1) Gmail (gmail.com)
Gmail earns first place as a relationship killer for two reasons:
- It can be a compulsive and frequent distraction
- It can expose infidelity
Though checking e-mail seems innocuous enough, compulsive email checking is a serious problem for many high achieving, driven individuals. You don’t need to travel far to find someone who feels less important than their partners’ email. Persons today often complain that their partner never grants them their full attention.
Gmail is also an easy method for a partner to get caught cheating. This is due in part to Gmail’s large storage capacity and archiving feature (and excellent search capabilities). When someone neglects to log-out of their e-mail account, this presents an opportunity for a suspicious spouse to verify that a partner is (or was) cheating. This type of behavior is not uncommon, as a recent study by University of Oxford researchers, and published in the Journal Computers in Human Behavior, shows that one fifth of couples snoop in their partners email.
ABOUT THRIVEWORKS COUNSELING AND LIFE COACHING
Thriveworks Counseling and Life Coaching connects individuals and couples to excellent, licensed therapists. Clinical specialties include depression counseling, anxiety therapy, couples counseling, and personal growth.
Thriveworks Counseling’s philosophy is that that everyone has the ability to live a happy, successful, amazing life. For more information, contact Dr. Anthony Centore, Director. Phone: 617-395-5806. http://thriveworks.com – support@thriveboston.com.
Does Couples Counseling Work?
- posted in Blog, Marriage, Relationships
Every year, thousands of couples begin seeing a counselor with hopes that the therapy process will help them to improve and strengthen their relationships. But is there any evidence that couples counseling works? Actually, there is…
According to a national survey of marriage and family counselors and their clients, a couple’s motivation for improvement may be the single most important factor in determining counseling success. In a research study published by the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, it was found that client satisfaction and relationship improvement is often high with individuals in couples counseling.
Specifically, of clients from 526 couples counselors in 15 states:[i]
98.1% rated services as good or excellent
97.1% received the type of help they desired
91.2% were satisfied with the amount of help they received
93% said they were helped to deal more effectively with problems
94.3% would return to the same therapist in the future
96.9% would recommend their therapist to a friend
97.4% were satisfied with the service they received
63.4% reported improved physical health
54.8% reported improvement in functioning at work
73.7% reported improvement in their children’s behavior
58.7% reported improvement in their children’s school performance
Looking to find a couples counselor in your area? Call us anytime at 1-855-2-THRIVE.
[i] Excerpted from “Clinical Practice Patterns of Marriage and Family Therapists: A National Survey of Therapists and Their Clients”, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy–Volume 22, No. 1
Is Marriage Good for Women? – Pros and Cons of Marriage
- posted in Blog, Marriage, Relationships
An APA (American Psychological Association) Study recently addressed the question of whether marriage helps or hinders the health of women. This is what was found.
The study, involving middle-aged women over a 13-year period.
Results indicate that women in marriages characterized by high levels of satisfaction showed a health advantage when compared with participants in marriages characterized by low levels of satisfaction and with unmarried participants (single, widowed or divorced).
Happy marriages led to:
Lower levels of cardiovascular risk factors – such as
1) Better blood pressure
2) Better cholesterol levels
3) a Better body mass index
As well as lower levels of:
1) Depression
2) Anxiety
3) Anger
Women in highly satisfying marriages also showed this same health advantage when compared with women in moderately satisfying marriages, but to a lesser extent.
The study found that marriage itself may offer a health advantage by providing:
1) Social support
2) Protecting against social isolation
Also, spousal influence and involvement may encourage health-promoting behaviors and deter unhealthy behaviors. Married people, especially women, may also be at a health advantage relative to their unmarried counterparts through the increased availability of socioeconomic resources.
Source: “Marital Status and Quality in Middle-Aged Women: Associations With Levels and Trajectories of Cardiovascular Risk Factors,” by Linda C. Gallo, San Diego State University, Wendy M. Troxel, University of Pittsburgh, Karen A. Matthews, University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine and Lewis H. Kuller, University of Pittsburgh; Health Psychology, Vol. 22, No. 5.
Is Marriage Good for Men? – Pros and Cons of Marriage
- posted in Blog, Marriage, Relationships
A Harvard University Study, published by the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health (2005; 59:56-62), looked at the question “Is Marriage Good for Men?” Here were the results:
The effects of marriage termination were observed, whether through death of a wife or divorce, and remarriage on more than 40,000 men who were between 40 and 75 years old when the study began in 1986.
Results show men whose wives had died:
1) consumed greater amounts of alcohol
2) cut down on the amount of vegetables they ate.
However, widowed and divorced men who remarried
1) Increased their vegetable intake
2) Reduced the amount of alcohol they drank.
3) They also consumed more lean poultry
4) And consumed fewer sugary drinks.
But it wasn’t all good news. Men who remarried:
1) Put on weight
2) Cut back on the amount of time they exercised.
Overall, the investigators believe remarriage benefited the men’s health.
Is Marriage Good for your Health? Research Stats say Yes, with Some Exceptions
Is Marriage Good for you Health?
Recent authoritative surveys and Research studies show interested data about Marriage and Health.
According to the: National Center for Health Statistics: A report based on a survey of 127,545 people (in 1999-2002) conducted by the center, a part of the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The association between marital status and better health persists regardless of socio-economic status, education and poverty, location of birth, and ethnicity.
It was found that Married couples have advantages in terms of:
1) Economic resources
2) Social support
3) Psychological support
4) encouragement of healthful lifestyles.
In general, married adults were the less likely than their unmarried counterparts to:
1) Experience health problems
2) Engage in risky health behaviors (with the notable exception of being overweight).
In addition to reporting better health overall, married people said they had:
1) Less lower back pain
2) Fewer headaches
3) Less psychological stress.
They also were less likely to drink and smoke and were more physically active than unmarried persons.
Exceptions:
Some 70.6 percent of husbands were overweight or obese compared with 65.1 percent of all men. Some 48.6 percent of married women were overweight or obese, virtually the same as the 48.5 percent of women in general. The largest share of overweight women was among the widowed, 53.2 percent.
